Why do I get panic attacks for no reason at all?
This past few weeks felt really lonely and embarrassing. I just remembered yesterday how miserable my life is.
I walked outside at night while crying and nobody cared at all. How lonely my world is.
I cried in my room while cutting my wrist and I felt the emotional pain rather than the physical pain.
Right now I feel like I can jump from a rooftop or be hit by a truck. Even though I always feel miserable all these years, I feel like I have the courage to die now. I don’t really get why I don’t deserve a happy life.
Please let me die. Living another day scares me more
I told my sister to treat me for some milk tea but she refused.
Then my other sisters came and she insisted on treating us.
I said I don’t want to. She asked why. I said I lost the appetite. But the truth is I was just disappointed because she refused when it comes to me.
She insisted on treating me so I chose the cheapest one.
I drank it. She asked if it’s good. I said yes.
But the truth is it doesn’t.
Just one of the lies I made yesterday
Yo it’s me again.
Remember the friend of mine who I wanted to save from depression?
Well I think he’s a bit okay now. I regularly check if he’s feeling okay and helped him get the bad thoughts out of him. I really cared for him.
But guess what?
He was not okay while I was okay. Now he’s okay but I’m not the one who’s not okay now. I cared for him a lot during his struggling days with depression. But right now that I’m the one who needed help now, I feel alone.
It’s like he doesn’t care for me at all. I know we give love unconditionally but sometimes it hurts when we don’t get the same love we give.
I knew this would happened. I already knew that I’ll be alone again by the end but I still chose to be by their side when they needed someone.
Don’t we deserve the same care and love we give at all??
I get panic attacks for no reason at all….. Why?!
Now I’m crying
I while ago I was feeling terrified. Were having another class meeting.
I hate those times because I feel anxious being with lots of people in a room.
I was so anxious and terrified of feeling left out again or feeling that I could never be like them or be part of them.
I can talk to them freely yes. I can laugh with them. If you look at it outside, you won’t think that I have social problems at all. But everytime I interact, it feels empty. Like I’m just talking to a robot just to boost my everyday social needs.
Then a friend of mine recently confessed of feeling the same depression. I was a bit shocked when he opened up to me saying that he was so anxious being in that meeting. It was the first time for him to feel like that.
I felt comforted because I thought my feelings weren’t weird. Like I wasn’t the only one. Like it wasn’t weird at all to feel like that. But worried at the same time because I don’t want him to turn out like me.
I’ll do my best so he won’t…..even if I won’t
Yesterday I was feeling really good. Like I was born again. It’s Valentine’s Day and I decided to give chocolates to people that I’m totally grateful of. I gave all of them chocolate candies and I gave someone a chocolate bar. I discovered that that someone was not feeling really good these days and that chocolate bar was the only time he felt happy. I wish his suffering won’t last long. I don’t want him to be eaten up by depression. It’s so hard if it became part of your system. I don’t mind staying like this as long as the people I cherish won’t
I hope all of you are happy and fine today… me as well. We want it so bad
I wonder if I’ll still be posting here 10 years from now hhmm
So here I am, 3am and still awake. I’m stuck with our group project which is to make an animated commercial. Tomorrow’s the deadline. We would’ve finished this last week if only they followed the deadlines. I always do well on my part since this is the only thing I’m good at. And there’s this ungrateful groupmate I have who complained why I’m giving her work. Oh f*ck her please. I don’t like freeloaders. If she’s on my team, she needs to know her responsibilities. F*cking ***** telling me I’m the one who’s at fault here but I’m fully aware that I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe I lacked in communication but I was never unfair to anyone. Even if the world is unfair to me, I never do the same because I know how that feels like. She is so full of herself that I started to feel the intent to kill. I was so mad and I just wanted to stab her throat. Why do bitches like her exist?
Today, being alone is the biggest comfort
Hi. How’s your day?
Some are good some are not huh?
For those who had a good day, I’m glad. It’s a miracle for us to have those days. We wish it wouldn’t leave. I sincerely wish your happy day turns into happy week, happy month, and even a happy year 🙂
For those who had a bad day, I’m with you guys, well a lot of us is. I wonder how long are we gonna suffer.
I self harmed again recently. My heart feels really heavy. Want to cry but can’t. I’m too tired to cry.
Tomorrow’s Monday. I need to go to school again and I’ll see those normal people enjoying their day while here I am wondering when can I have those days. I rather stay in my room.
Today I feel like drawing for you guys. Anything you guys want me to draw? Here’s something that I drew recently.
So today is my 20th birthday. It’s a special tho I’m not happy at all. But I guess it became the norm that it doesn’t matter anymore haha. It’s been almost 3 years since I started posting here and I really like it. All the things and thoughts that are bottled deep inside me, I keep it here and all of you gets it and knows how I feel. Knowing that all the people here are the same as me and knows how hard it is to be like this, I feel like I’m not alone. And I just want to say that I really appreciate all of you. I wish it’s the same for all of you. I’ve made another self harm today yep. Not a happy birthday to me hahahaha. My birthday wish for today is for all of us to be happy and to be free from ourselves. I wish that could happened someday. I wish…..
I thought it would be a long time before I come back here again. But here I am typing while watching my wrist bleed. I want to cry but I can’t cry. I guess all my tears were long gone. All I can do is sigh. It stings. my wrist stings.
I remembered again. I’m a student officer in our department in college actually. I was going to the office to get some things. Before I open the door, I heard them inside. “She’s useful here cause she has her pen tab.” that really broke my heart… It stopped me from drawing for about a month. I put my pen tab in a box and I can’t even look at it. I hate seeing it. It became a burden. Then I started again, because they’re right! I’m useful because of it. I can make great art because of it. I can’t live without it. Being able to draw saves me. I wish this positive me always possess me. I was in a slump for a few months but tomorrow, I’ll start once again.
And I would love to draw for some people here too 🙂 Wish you all guys a good night and a good life.
Even if you feel alone, you have yourself.
I have a not so good life and if death is infront of me, I’ll take it. But what scares me is that even if my life is bad right now, many years from now, I’m living my dream. Like everything from the past is gone and I’m the new and happy me and I can do all the things that makes me happy but suddenly dying of an accident…
I was just sitting, drying my hair infront of the fan when suddenly my future pops in my head like me living alone, working then lying on my death bed and it scared me. I panicked inside knowing that time is faster than I think and the me who’s still in college right now will soon end
I dreamed of working in Kyoto Animation. Right now I’m watching their newest work which is Violet Evergarden. I’m so in love with how the animation looks like. I hope I can prevent myself from becoming a neet because of myself
Apathy helps me in life.
Sometimes it keeps me safe from myself