I finally finished reading My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga. After reading it, it makes me rethink about suiciding. It makes me think that maybe I can be fixed back again. That maybe I can recover. That maybe I can still be saved. But I think what I’m feeling right now is just temporary. I know tomorrow I’ll be depress all over again. But I know somewhere deep inside me, I’m begging to be saved from this black hole.
I miss those days when living means the world to me.
4 years of depression….. People tell me to get over it. Enjoy life. Enjoy time with my friends and family. Talk to god. Yeah. I’ll always do those things. But it’s never enough to say that “I’m better now” “I survived from this illness” “I’m okay now”. I’m sorry if I’m like this. I’m sorry if I can’t recover. Even myself can’t help me. I won’t ever be fixed, and I’m sorry for that. I think people are thinking that I’m weak because I’m not doing an effort to get better. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for being a coward. For being pathetic. […]
I’m lost. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if this is me. I don’t even remember who I was back then when I still don’t have this fucking depression. I’m lost. I’m like a soul looking for a body. I’m frustrated. I cried. And I made another self harm scars. I was so frustrated. I always ask myself if this is me. Is this my personality? Is this how I really am? Or I’m just showing this kind of me because of other people? Who am I? What am I? I feel so lifeless. So empty. So hopeless and….lost.
“Hang in there” they say. “It will be alright” they say. “be positive” they say. “Talk to god” they say. “Don’t be so over dramatic” they say. “You’ll get through this” they say.
“I’m through” I say. “Enough” I say. “I don’t want it anymore” I say. “I can’t take it anymore” I say. “I’m done” I say….
You people ruined me… and I let myself be ruined….
At school, my friends was assigned to make a thesis about depression and they made me their subject. They asked me to be their subject and I said yes. I was nervous. I was afraid. I was afraid that some memories, those fucking hurtful devastating memories will come back. But they were my friends so I guess I’m a bit okay with it. After all those question and answer, I thought to myself, What is this? Why am I like this? How did it turn out to be like this? I didn’t choose this fucking depression. They chose me. And why me?! Why the hell […]
Today, after school ended, me and my friends decided to buy dresses for the debut of our friend. We decided to ride a train going to Tutuban. We paid and waited for the train. While waiting, I was lost in my thoughts. I remember the news I heard about a guy who decided to end his life by jumping on the riles while the train is near. I was so sad about it. I know how hard it is. Then I heard the train coming. I was thinking what If I do the same? What if I decide to jump like that guy did? I […]
When I was a kid, I often watch movies or videos with characters who have depression. I was so sad when watching them when I was a kid. They look so desperate. So fragile. So scarred. I pity them. But I never expected that I would end up just like them. A scarred human. Like a wandering soul looking for a reason to live. I never knew that I would end up just like them. I’m still a teenager but I already want to die. If I had a chance to die without killing myself, I’d probably take it. I’m not a coward for running […]
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