At school, my friends was assigned to make a thesis about depression and they made me their subject. They asked me to be their subject and I said yes. I was nervous. I was afraid. I was afraid that some memories, those fucking hurtful devastating memories will come back. But they were my friends so I guess I’m a bit okay with it. After all those question and answer, I thought to myself, What is this? Why am I like this? How did it turn out to be like this? I didn’t choose this fucking depression. They chose me. And why me?! Why the hell me?! No one should deserve this. No one should deserve this kind of feelings. I’m broken. I’m lost. I’m…. no one. I feel like I don’t exist. I feel so lifeless. It’s like I’m just a lost soul. I envy those people who have it easy. I envy those people who lives so happily. I envy those people who doesn’t have this kind of bullshit. And I envy those people who have reasons for loving to live.
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2 comments
I hope your friends are understanding of you and your thoughts. And I also really admire your willingness to talk about it out loud. Forgive the cliché but I think that is a genuine bravery. I’m here because I will be long gone before anyone gets wind of whats in my mind! hahaha I’m certainly not that strong…
As for the “why me?” I’m sorry to say imho its just the lottery of life. Sometimes we get dealt a crap hand but its what you make of it (it at all possible) and how you get to where you’d like to be. Granted that’s always easier said than done, but its never impossible…
People dont know depression until they have it. I got slapped just for telling my parents im depressed plus the your selfish crap. I thought I had friends but didnt so i know