I’m in one of those scarily destructive moods where I’m torn between screaming and breaking things or curling into a ball, crying and hurting myself. And because I am resisting both I am just sitting still and silently wishing to die. I need to save myself but I don’t know how.
I am rounded
like letters formed
by a fading pen
with a loopy hand
that indulges itself
because circles
are without jagged edges
or at least they pretend to be
but if you look closely at those letters
you may notice that
(like me)
the edges are perhaps
not as smooth and circular
as they pretend
to be.
Sorry.
In my Philosophy lesson today, a few of us somehow got onto the subject of suicide in hypothetical terms, we weren’t talking thoughts or anything, just methods and the practicalities of it; my friend said he thought jumping in front of a train would be the best way, but I think that’s too violent, too completely horrible for the people left behind. Anyway, we then discussed jumping from a high building and my teacher joined in, and he said something I’m finding difficult to forget.
He said that when people jump, in the spilt second as they fall, they realise everything: they realise every problem that […]
I’ve been feeling more okay than usual recently, but tonight it all changed.
It was triggered by just one thing that was said to me that made me feel bad, it wasn’t meant maliciously or anything and to a less fucked up person, it wouldn’t have meant anything because it was nothing.
But those words affected me in the way that words sometimes do.
I ended up lying on my bedroom floor in the darkness for an hour feeling numb and crying at the same time over everything and being beyond tempted to hurt myself.
I don’t feel much better now, I am tired of […]
I just want to run away, lose myself somewhere unfindable and do nothing but write things and sing things until it all starts to feel okay again. I’m tired of expectations, my own and everybody else’s. I just want to be alone with my words, completely alone. I don’t want to return until things start to make sense and I feel calmer and freer and completely comfortable with total independence. I need to learn to love my own company above everyone else’s because it’s not like anybody will ever stick around in my life for long. Sad, yes, but it’s a reality I must face. […]
I have become cynical about my own sadness now. I don’t believe it any more and I tell myself it’s just a lie and block it all out, that I’m feeding it by thinking about it. And it works, it really works. Not thinking about it makes it feel like it’s not there at all and makes me feel better, so much better. But if it’s so easily healed, I question its existence in the first place. And if it never existed, I’m just another pathetic teenager using sadness and feeding it as an excuse to avoid life. And that both scares me because it […]
I hate that I am really just another miserable, angsty teenager. I really hate that. I hate that so many people feel this fucked up, I hate that I am not the only one that feels this way. I just hate that even my sadness is unoriginal.
On a better day this may be a comfort- that other people feel the same. But not really and not at all right now. I want to own my sadness, I don’t want to share it. And I suppose that that makes no sense- why would anyone be so possessive of pain? Â I don’t know, all I know is […]
It feels… heavy, I suppose. Like everything weighs a lot more than it really does, like just getting up takes a lot of effort, like my bones are so heavy that I only move when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I have to talk myself into doing tiny, simple things that shouldn’t take a second thoughts, but they are so exhausting at times and dragging myself through the motions takes so much effort it’s barely worthwhile any more. And I’m not heavy at all, I just feel it. I don’t feel as light and as free as I actually am, even though I know I […]
Do you ever get the feeling where you don’t feel dark or especially depressed, but your mind is fixated on suicide and it’s never far from the front of your thoughts? You’re able to function just fine and you don’t feel any sadder than usual, it’s just that you’re constantly planning and thinking about your own death no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.
That’s how I feel right now, and have felt for the past 2 years pretty much non stop. And it scares me, because I can’t help but wonder if this is all I am now, all I’m going to be. […]
Do you ever get that overwhelming need to destroy everything? And I mean everything, the things you love included. It’s just that right now I want to destroy everything in my life. I’m sort of angry and I don’t know why. I just feel this rage deep inside me that wants to break everything, throw things across the room, tear pages out of books I adore, scream ugly things at people I love, slam doors really loudly and destroy my relationship with my friends and family.
But more than anything I want to destroy myself. Not as a coping method or as the permanent sleep […]
Anyone else seen that ‘if you went through with it’ story on tumblr? I’ve seen it several times, and I think some people may have posted it here once or twice. In third person, it goes through the stages of ‘your suicide’, about how you’re pushed over the edge by just one tiny thing and decide to do it, about what you say before you die, and about how your family, then your friends and school react to your suicide.
It’s clear from reading it that the person who originally wrote it knew the feeling, knew how easy it is to hide it from everyone, how […]
I don’t know why I am so alone in every way, well actually I suppose I do, it’s just that I have been repressing it for far too long- out it comes now, oh dear:
The people who tell you that things change when people grow up and you go from lower to higher schools and onwards are not always right. People might change, but their attitudes towards those who were once 11 year old outcasts remains… and even if it isn’t verbalised, hostility is an emotion easy to pick up on when directed at you, it truly is. Do you know what it’s like […]
When I saw the words ‘someday, all this pain will be worthwhile’ one time, then many other times on countless blogs, I would just shake my head, and silently disagree that my sadness would come to nothing, except perhaps recovery, then more nothing. But I recently realised that my pain has helped one aspect of my life: I am writing again. And what I am writing is good. Sure, it’s just a few very short and broken stories with loose plots and screwed up people, but that’s okay. Because what I’ve written is good. It’s not happy, but it is real and I’m pleased with […]
I rarely go to sleep before 2 AM most nights. I usually just read, or write, or use my laptop until I get so exhausted I go straight to sleep when I let myself. I do this because otherwise, I lie awake in bed for hours and hours thinking dark, sad, terrifying thoughts and everything gets worse. And I can’t tell my parents that that’s the reason I’m always so exhausted in the mornings, because they tell me to just go to bed earlier, but they don’t get that the longer I lie in silence, the more time I have to think. And thinking too […]
I was scared because I haven’t really felt anything at all in ages. No sadness, no happiness, no pain, no tears, no fear, no excitement, no laughter, no love, no hate. Just apathy and indifference. And not feeling anything scares the shit out of me, because I think that feeling all these emotions, good and bad, make everything real. And nothing felt real. And for a while it was good, because often feeling nothing is better than the level of pain I feel at times. But then feeling numb gets cold and sad and even more depressing than the sadness itself.
But this morning I […]
My plan for a long time has been pills and a letter left behind for my family. I’ve never had any specific date and I’ve never known what to take or the dosage or anything like that. I have never gone into specifics with the plan. I don’t know, maybe that’s a sign?
Thing is, every time I come close to figuring out the specifics, something comes up and gets in the way of the plan for a while. Things like my best friend needing me and me knowing that I need to be there for her because she needs a proper family even if […]
This song is just pretty hopeful and inspiring, so maybe it might be good for some of you. I don’t know, it’s just that I find that at times, just the right song can turn things around, if only for just a few minutes whilst it plays.
Yours Truly by Paradise Fears:
I would happily die for anyone. I would happily sacrifice my life for the life of another without a second thought. Yeah, there’s loads in my life worth dying for; but there’s very little worth living for. But does that matter? I suppose I should just embrace the fact that although it’s not a lot to live for and the temptation’s always there, there is something keeping me here, there must be something worth living for or else I wouldn’t still be here. I believe that. I really believe that. And that gives me a bit more strength and reminds me that although it all […]
I really don’t understand myself. I just got back from my Prom, and I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but that’s because I had no expectations at all! Anyway, for some of it, I was really really happy and I danced and laughed and had a lovely time. However, for other parts, I just sat staring into nothing and feeling numb and wanting to die. This also happened whilst I was on the dancefloor, and I just stayed there awkwardly dancing and wondering how easy it would be to just do it at that exact moment, like jump from the […]
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”– The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (by Stephen Chbosky)
Today, those words from my all time favourite book saved me and made me feel so much less alone. I can’t explain how I feel any better than this quote can […]