sacrificing my death for life? ugh this hurts.

My plan for a long time has been pills and a letter left behind for my family. I’ve never had any specific date and I’ve never known what to take or the dosage or anything like that. I have never gone into specifics with the plan. I don’t know, maybe that’s a sign?
Thing is, every time I come close to figuring out the specifics, something comes up and gets in the way of the plan for a while. Things like my best friend needing me and me knowing that I need to be there for her because she needs a proper family even if it’s just me and and our friendship, like reading something about what happens to families after a suicide, like my mum calling me whilst I’ve been away for a week and saying she misses me and everything at home feels wrong without me. Things like that make me think about what this might do to them all. And then it just feels wrong. So wrong. And when these things come up and make me think properly about the what the fallout from my death might me, I can’t help but convince myself to keep living for them all. If I can’t live for myself, the least I can do is live for them. And I’m not saying the thoughts will ever truly go away, or that my world will stop falling apart, or that things won’t change and the plan won’t have to be put into action. All I’m saying is that right now, in this moment, I know that I have to keep breathing and I can’t give up quite yet. It still hurts like hell, but although I don’t care about myself, I care too much about others to put them through this at the moment.