messy ramblings from a lost teenager

I really don’t understand myself. I just got back from my Prom, and I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but that’s because I had no expectations at all! Anyway, for some of it, I was really really happy and I danced and laughed and had a lovely time. However, for other parts, I just sat staring into nothing and feeling numb and wanting to die. This also happened whilst I was on the dancefloor, and I just stayed there awkwardly dancing and wondering how easy it would be to just do it at that exact moment, like jump from the top floor of the hotel or something. That’s the thing, really, I can be having a nice time, but suicide still just pops into my head despite temporary happiness. And I would love if it stopped. But I know that it won’t and that the only person who can save me is myself and I am not in a fit state for any saving anything right now, let alone myself. Maybe the courage to do that is what I need? No, I think that I already have the courage and I have all it takes to be happy, it’s just that I’m scared. I’m scared because in order to be truly happy, we must truly live; and in order to truly live, we must lose that fear of falling too far or too fast constantly. Maybe not even lose it, just beat it and push it aside long enough to be okay just for a while, until other things can be sorted. More than anything I want to beat that fear, I also want to be able to live without regrets. Something I regret tonight is not dancing with one of my guy friends in the last dance, where we were the only two in our circle of friends not dancing with someone directly, just as a group. I should have just taken the chance and held onto his arms to dance, but I’m too shy and awkward and he’s awkward and knows I’m a freak. It just annoys me how scared I am of everything and everyone. I need to lose or beat that fear. I want to die, but I want to truly live. I want help, but I refuse to be saved by anyone other than myself. I want to be brave, but I’m too scared to be. I’m just a mess and I hate that I’m always pushing people away and I don’t think anyone will ever love me. And that makes me sad as well.