nozmoking

Just an OFF switch. That’s all I want.

Whomever said “being grateful makes things better”…
– was an idiot.
No. I can’t be grateful for this kind of pain.

Just been turned into the dirt like a dead weed by my own kids. Got about a month to sell off and find somewhere to go. Can’t afford anything local and can’t travel. My days of being a “survivor” are over.

5:30 AM.  Been trying to sleep since 10 PM last night. Nothing works. Can’t drink – it fucks up my already fucked up gut. Can’t afford even cheap generic bourbon anyway. The prescription pain killers don’t work anymore. They just give me a headache. No where to turn. Backed into a corner by a world that’s become so corrupt, contemptible and immoral – not one shred of anything left worth breathing for

and it won’t stop

it just won’t stop

make it stop

MAKE IT FUCKING STOP

Here it fucking comes. Another empty, hollow and sickening Christmas day. If i’m lucky, the dog will snore loudly enough to overcome my ringing ears. I don’t have the balls to stop the pain.

I hate myself for it.

I’ve fought all my life for things I believed were of value.
Life was so high on the list.
Now it’s isn’t worth the puddle of syphilitic drippings from a Mongolian grudge fuck.

Throughout our lives people come and people go.
Some we can do well without, others we will miss.
But one person remains with me no matter what that I wish would just go the hell away.

Me.

Clearly I stepped on someone’s toes. It’s just fucked up when all I ever did was just to be there. And listen. All from a safe distance and at their request. Now I quite clearly am no longer of any use nor of any concern.

Unfinished business cuts deep. And I seem to remember that was something that hurt you, too.

Just one more bleed to carry with me. And these bleeds are heavy.
Very, very heavy.

I live with pain. Not “a” pain, but most days pains in every place I am aware of; some days I hurt in places I had no idea I had. Then today came.

Today, things were beyond belief. I had pain that completely shocked me. In fact, it frightened me. I felt like I had swallowed Satan himself after he’d been kicked in the balls by a priest and he was trying to claw his way out of my torso.

For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have […]

Goddammit.

ask no one for help

trust no one

love no one

depend on

no one

there is nothing left on this Earth but mindless zombies that see only

themselves

and that is not worth living for

How do I know today is the right day?

When I ask myself if it is and it no longer matters whether it is or isn’t.
Today doesn’t matter at all.
Sort of “liberating”…
Yeah, liberating.

Take –

your “good intentions”

your “advice”

your “compassion”

your “concern”

your “prayers”

your “kind embraces”

and send them all straight to HELL.

Just don’t.

If there’s someone or something bigger than me out there,

don’t let me wake up again.

Ever.

Please.

When animals are trapped with no way out they’ve been known to chew through their own limbs to escape pain or entrapment. We call them “intelligent” or “survivors”.

When a human bears intolerable pain or is trapped in a life untenable, inescapable and they choose to escape in the only way remaining to them we call them “weak” or “selfish”.

Is that what we call the ability to “reason”?

Razor blade. Brand new. Fresh out of the box. I can’t remember how long it has been since I felt so mother fucking sick I wanted to do this. But I wanted to cut. And I couldn’t.

Why?

My skin is so tough and weathered I couldn’t get the blade through it. I BENT the fucking blade.

What kind of life makes you so callous and so tough you can’t even draw blood?

They say “I understand. I know how you feel. It hurts – I know.”

Then they turn their heads and mutter to themselves… “What a selfish prick. Just feels sorry for himself.  I know plenty of people that hurt more than he does.  He just wants attention.”

So I sit in my fucking agony – put off the inevitable. Another day goes by because I don’t want my daughter to come come from work and find the sweet little dog screaming frantically or one of her precious cats  gobbling my brains up off the kitchen floor.

Another day goes by, so my children are spared the grief of […]