Beyond imagination…

The horrible pain you experience creates existential angst and lack of meaning in life because you always wonder what worse pain can you feel. It also separates from any meaningful belief in a god, providence, etc.

It happened to me once although not as severe as in your case. I put myself many questions.
Although SOME of them have been answered and in a positive way, I still don’t know why so much suffering is allowed to exist on this world or elsewhere… No wonder why so many people choose to believe in atheism, nihilism and that after death comes nothing and they can annihilate themselves by suicide.

What happened to you? Why do you feel this way?

“For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have the stones to use to turn the lights out.
Nothing.”

Horrible. I am sorry. I remember when I was at my worst, I had planned to lay in the bed the whole day and never do anything, do numb myself to any other pain.
It seems that pain never goes away if we try to hate ourselves, annihilate ourselves, etc.
Perhaps this is god’s way of loving us and showing us that he cares for us, giving us the ability to feel so much pain, knowing that in the end we will recover, be saved and be again in his loving arms?

But people are stupid when they use the word “sin” when talking about so much pain. They assume that this is the consequence of “sin”.
But it’s also stupid to believe that pain can go away if we inflict pain or a severe blow to our body(by suicide).