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Beyond imagination…

by nozmoking

I live with pain. Not “a” pain, but most days pains in every place I am aware of; some days I hurt in places I had no idea I had. Then today came.

Today, things were beyond belief. I had pain that completely shocked me. In fact, it frightened me. I felt like I had swallowed Satan himself after he’d been kicked in the balls by a priest and he was trying to claw his way out of my torso.

For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have the stones to use to turn the lights out.
Nothing.

Things have subsided slightly. Just slightly. So now I have a new threshold to face whenever it rears its ugly head.

I can’t wait for tomorrow. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.
– except for maybe a speeding bus to fall in front of.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 7/16/2019 - 5:34 am

Lol I’ve been feeling that pain and begging for that sweet release of youth suicide every day for 15 years

hope432 7/16/2019 - 10:23 am

The horrible pain you experience creates existential angst and lack of meaning in life because you always wonder what worse pain can you feel. It also separates from any meaningful belief in a god, providence, etc.

It happened to me once although not as severe as in your case. I put myself many questions.
Although SOME of them have been answered and in a positive way, I still don’t know why so much suffering is allowed to exist on this world or elsewhere… No wonder why so many people choose to believe in atheism, nihilism and that after death comes nothing and they can annihilate themselves by suicide.

What happened to you? Why do you feel this way?

“For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have the stones to use to turn the lights out.
Nothing.”

Horrible. I am sorry. I remember when I was at my worst, I had planned to lay in the bed the whole day and never do anything, do numb myself to any other pain.
It seems that pain never goes away if we try to hate ourselves, annihilate ourselves, etc.
Perhaps this is god’s way of loving us and showing us that he cares for us, giving us the ability to feel so much pain, knowing that in the end we will recover, be saved and be again in his loving arms?

But people are stupid when they use the word “sin” when talking about so much pain. They assume that this is the consequence of “sin”.
But it’s also stupid to believe that pain can go away if we inflict pain or a severe blow to our body(by suicide).

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