torment
vb (tr)
1. to afflict with great pain, suffering, or anguish; torture
2. to tease or pester in an annoying way: stop tormenting the dog.
n
3. physical or mental pain
4. a source of pain, worry, annoyance, etc
5. archaic an instrument of torture
6. archaic the infliction of torture
[C13: from Old French, from Latin tormentum, from torqu?re]
tor?mented adj
tor?mentedly adv
tor?menting adj, n
tor?mentingly adv
He had as he said “complete freedom”.
In his words, “Total creative license, and support to go anywhere and do anything I want at anytime.”
He had a daughter that loved him.
He had no checkbook to balance. Just numbers to call to get whatever he wanted or needed anytime of the day or night.
Sometimes the most difficult choice of the day was deciding between a burger and a beer at a bowling alley in Pittsburgh and something endangered and flambe’d served on sterling silver at […]
Things wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t surrounded by people that never suffer any consequences. It seem that every time I slip a half-degree from fucking perfection, the universe explodes in my face, hog-ties me and drags me for days across a dry ripping hell. But the people around me blow through life taking whatever they want and ignoring the rules – and they get away with it day after day after day. And they sleep like babies. I haven’t slept for days.
And I’m too much of a coward to end it.
– to be trapped not having the strength or the courage to end your own pain. If only the absence of will could be fatal…
but that would be far too merciful for one god to be
I hate the sun that floods my room through the gap in my window in the morning
I love the dark
Peaceful, alone, dark
But the dark has its shadows – they wake me with a sickening, cold knot in my gut
like the feeling of vomit in my throat
after the schoolyard bully slams a basketball into my stomach
flooding the depths of my soul with burning fear
that I will never sleep again
that I will never stop fighting for breath
that I will never stop trembling
that the money will run out
that they will take what little pain medication I have […]
So, when I was in the hospital in August for pneumonia among other things they sent a medical social worker out to check on me after I got home. Without going into all the sordid details of my rather complicated disabilities, suffice it to say severe chronic pain makes it difficult to take decent care of myself or generate sufficient income. And that breeds depression and anxiety, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, it’s impossible to work – hell, taking a shower and putting on clean sweats is a major undertaking. I don’t hardly ever go out of the house anymore because it’s […]
One of the biggest frustrations in my life is the reality that most people don’t understand disabling conditions like depression, PTSD, anxiety, severe chronic pain – the sometimes “invisible” things that can take away our will to live. I hate to put it in such simplistic terms, but if you’ve never cut yourself you have no idea what it means to bleed no matter how empathetic you think you are or how much sympathy you believe you have for others. Doctors and psychiatrists frequently have no clue what we go through when they swear an oath that they will provide patients with responsible care and […]
The Christmas depression is here. But it is worse this time. Much worse. My daughter at least until last year was still interested in getting a tree put up and putting together some kind of meal on Christmas day. But not this year. We don’t really “celebrate” the holidays much anyway but this year I feel like I have become such a burden for everyone that they just don’t want to deal with things. I don’t ask much of the two of my kids that live with me – I don’t go out really anymore but we share the basic expenses. My son takes care […]
Life was new
All to see; all to hear
All to feel, all was real
Then there was a bend in the road
The stars come out
With wonders and thrills
Miracles and spectacles
Then another bend in the road
Dreams and love
Hands in hands
An embrace; a kiss
And yet another bend in the road
Time and age
Love is now rage
Peace becomes pain
Then again, a bend in the road
No path remains clear
No wonder just fear
Seeds have been sown
Now, my load is end of the road.
I’ve always had two insurmountable fears. First is the fear of drowning, and second is the fear of being buried alive. When I was a kid I was deathly afraid of dying in a falling elevator but I outgrew that for some reason. Lately though I have been feeling like I have been buried alive. Trapped in a dark, silent coffin in a concrete burial vault beneath six feet of cold, hard dirt. I can kick, I can scream until my tonsils bleed (oh wait, I don’t have any tonsils), I can pound and scratch until my fingers are bloodied and all that I can […]
I post this from time to time – it seems most relevant to me when things simply overflow.
the pendulum sways
one weight rises
the other falls
but where is the cuckoo?
the hands slowly move
the hours come
and the hours go
but where is the cuckoo?
one thought makes me frightened
another turns my stomach
I pull my hair
but where is the cuckoo?
crawl out of my bed
turn on the light
go to the mirror
the damned cuckoo stares back at me
before you died…
Again. Another day. I hear my two youngest that share my home leave for work. My daughter’s little dog comes into my room after she’s gone to work and cries to at me to be picked up. I do, and she digs under my blankets and falls asleep.
Hour by hour goes by. I fight to stay asleep. Noon comes. Noon gives way to one o’clock. Then it’s two o’clock. I dread the searing pain of getting up. It’s the end of the third week of the month and pain meds are dwindling. Not enough. My bank account is dwindling. I should be up and looking for […]
I can’t quite bring myself to include the word “happy” although I wish I could. At least that is my sincere wish for all of you. But I know there is much pain and suffering, and these things make no distinction regarding new years, new days, hours or seconds.
As we do pass this sort of chronological demarcation, I genuinely hope that each of you can find the one hug, one smile, one friend or just one touch from another that makes a difference for you. If but one person finds a few moments of comfort it’s worth all the effort put forth to find it. […]
With the new year fast approaching I thought it might be interesting to engage in a little fantasizing. A bit of a fantasy never hurts now and then and it can sometimes tell us where we are grounded and where we are not. So here goes. Just answer the question in a million words or less…
If you were approached by the devil and offered a price to sell your soul into eternal damnation, what would you want in return?
To offer some food for thought, I was contemplating something like this: Being returned to the year 1969, with a 20 year old body, one billion pounds […]
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