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One Million Masks

hi i'm marsh and i talk too much

it’s been a bumpy ride

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

it sure has been a minute since i’ve been on this site, haha. i don’t think i’ll even know anyone anymore, but i’ve sort of made an agreement with myself not to look. hey to anyone still around.

but uh. anyways.
this is just…. for anyone who might happen to read this.
i was pretty young when i first came on here— i think i was like, 13 or 14, something like that. things were not good. things had never really been good. literally nothing in the world sounded better to me than nothing, forever; just curtains was as much as i could let myself hope […]

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ha

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

i don’t really come here for help anymore, so please ignore me; i just wanted a place to ramble.

i never in my wildest dreams thought i would make it to eighteen- not once, even at my most optimistic, did i seriously consider the possibility that i’d still be here today… but i am here.

i don’t really know how i feel about that.

it’s almost kind of laughable, you know? like a bad joke or a fucked up riddle, what’s still there but not, what should be gone that isn’t, what do you call a ghost that’s still alive– and it’s me.

it’d be nice to say hey, […]

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Damn

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

I’d actually managed to forget what hollow meant, but hello– again– emptiness.

It’s not just that, of course; when it rains it pours.

Empty and useless and harmful.
Stupid and weak and obnoxious.

Yes, hi there–

Tired and wired and failing.

Well, it can’t all be smooth sailing I suppose–

Painful and wasteful and clumsy.
Willful and pitiful and stumbling.

Okay, sure, yes, but–

Just look how fast you’re crumbling.

Hey wait a minute, I’m–

Don’t you ever get tired of denying it? You’re wasting your time, just give in and start crying again.

But–

From your head to the tips of your toes, from your blood to your brain to your bones, you are empty.

No, no, […]

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Who

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

We are here, we are here, we are here!

Who wants to be ignored?
Who wants to spill their guts and be met with the snores of the disinterested masses?
Who wants to reach for help and get knocked back on their asses?

We are here, we are here, we are here!

Who wants a little more?
Who wants to not have to implore some poor friend-relative-stranger to dip their toes into the danger of caring even a little?
Who wants to stop whittling away at their lives and themselves and see with new eyes?

We are here, we are here, we are here!

Who– tell me now– who […]

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–

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

Caught
In a rut, in a strut
In always having rotten luck
In parading around, no end to be found
To always letting myself get cut
And burned
By the same old things

Caught
In a lie, by and by–
In the absence of cut and dry
It’s easier to smile and avoid their eyes
Than to let loose the truth I have no name for,
No cage for

Caught
In a lack if words
Between maybe wanting to be heard
And a need to never be seen again,
A wish to hide away from the world

Caught
With a snap, in a trap,
Falling into the ancient […]

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There’s a punchline

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

I don’t think I ever said exactly what it was that landed me back here– don’t worry, for once I’ll be brief. There isn’t much to say.

Last year was quite frankly the worst period of time I’ve ever had to suffer through in my short, miserable life, from New Year’s day all the way through to the end of December.

This year, since its very start, has been nothing short of completely calm.

Nothing terrible has happened.
Nothing new. Nothing even especially distressing.

And yet here I am.

Still.

I can’t recall having ever hated myself or my existence among the living as much as I do currently, and this […]

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–

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

You know, I’ve always been quiet; I don’t get heard because I’ve never said a word that I thought people might actually listen to.
You know, I’ve always been forgettable; I blend into walls and make myself small, and people don’t often even see me– they believe what they want to believe and I get lost in the mystery of who are we talking about?
You know, I’ve always been gentle; no one gets hurt because the only pain that lurks around me gets buried in laughs and pulled-down shirts, because no one besides me deserves to gain new scars.
You know, I’ve always been […]

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Hey There World (Tower Talks)

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

Let me tell you something: if you notice something I’ve done, if it’s not great, if you see a flaw a misstep a mistake
I probably caught it too, and I’m using it as an excuse to escape
Into old habits and unfriendly thoughts, bad methods and frequent haunts, and let me tell you something: it’s a long way down from where I am.

Let me tell you something: if I’m hurting you’ll know, but you’ll brush it off like I do because I will have my glow as camouflage
And I won’t blame you for mistaking the inferno of an implosion for sunshine, because really

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Gee I wonder

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

I have a sweet tooth.
Days can pass and I won’t be hungry, won’t eat, but the second someone offers me something sweet- or if I find it myself- the fast is broken; it can be an apple, a piece of candy, grapes, ice cream. Anything.

But why? Who cares?

The reason is old and sad (or pathetic, if that’s how you want to see it).

We’re not rich. We usually don’t have a lot of food.
When I was younger, we still didn’t have much to eat, but we rarely got anything sugary (or fruits, because parents just went and bought fast food for the starving masses).

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Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

“…You have been weighed and found wanting…”

The writing on the wall means a lot to me.
I’m not religious. I have very little idea of what significance it originally carried, although I think I have read the story.

For me, it’s a joke in a lot of ways.

People tell me I’m too thin (and I am, but not enough yet for real suspicion). Stage one, silly and shallow. Ha ha. Weighed and found wanting. Get it…?

I feel, much of the time and in many ways, that I’m never enough. However much I have, whatever all it is that I hold, no matter how loaded down with […]

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Humdrum Humbug

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

Here I am- again. Oh woe.

…. You know, it isn’t even that I really want to die anymore, or that I don’t want to be here, or that I’m thoroughly sick of it all yet again. It isn’t that I’m done with life or trapped in despair or mired in the worry I like to pull from molehills; it isn’t anything, really.
I’m…. just kind of tired. At this point, after everything, it isn’t that living doesn’t seem at least a little worth it. It doesn’t seem impossible, hopeless, or crushing, it seems doable and enjoyable and maybe something that I could manage to be […]

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WHOOP DEE FUCKING DOO

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

I’m mad for basically no reason.

…. Completely furious.
And my utility blades are sorely tempting me, which helps absolutely nothing.

…..

Someone shoot me, please; just put me out of my nonsense and leave the rest of the world to twirl along without me.

God, I was having such a good…
I don’t even know anymore. I’m just sick of this.
I am thoroughly done with all of this utter bullshit and these slam-dunk nothings.

Just
shoot
me.

……………………………………………………………………………..

Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I don’t know what I have been doing.

Just please, someone, find me. I feel so lost.

I […]

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Listen!

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

I think I could be crazy,
I just might be insane,
I don’t exactly know why,
But now,
Life’s a game.

I make all the rules
But still I never win,
Though I take the heavy losses
With a smile,
With a grin:

I can see the pieces falling,
The deck is shuffled once again,
The other players all are stalling; everyone wants to win.

In boardgames, though,
A winner can only be one;
And that takes away all the smiles,
All the laughs,
All the fun.

Some people fall to cheating,
Or resort to plain dumb luck,
Though no matter what they’re feeding
Their desire to come out […]

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