Author

pinkcoconut

Contract killer

by pinkcoconut 11/28/2016

written by pinkcoconut

Hoping this doesn’t count as a ‘method’ – not my intention to break the rules.

For me, suicide is an end to pain. All the ways of ending it sound painful. I’m also spontaneous about it, so when I do have the strong urge to do it, I’m so in the throes of madness that I can’t think straight enough to end my life in a sensible way. And if I’m in a better state – just suicidal but not raging – when I think of the ways, it just exhausts me.

This pain is going to be in and out of my life forever, and […]

11/28/2016 4 comments

Life after Hell is possible

by pinkcoconut 7/18/2016

written by pinkcoconut

Hi all.
Just remembered about this place in a melancholy moment.
I’m doing ok. Was very suicidal for a few hellish months a year and a half ago.
I’m not suicidal now. I think about self harm occasionally, but I manage it – I don’t act on it – I do something else, like arrange to see a friend. That used to sound stupid or unthinkably difficult, but I’ve done lots of training of myself to get to a place where I’ve got habits.
My life is not perfect and I did have a shitty start in some ways, but in others, my world is […]

7/18/2016 3 comments

Man under a train

by pinkcoconut 10/22/2014

written by pinkcoconut

Today before getting on the tube, I saw two fire engines and a police car pull up and go downstairs. I thought there might be a fire. Another blank police car turned up. Then a couple more fire engines. They took a stretcher down. Eventually an ambulance came too. I tried to go downstairs but it was closed.

I went to get the bus and said I wondered what had happened. He said that there was a man under the train. He didn’t know if he was dead. He was under his carriage.

I said I hoped that the person I was talking to was ok. […]

10/22/2014 0 comment

What happens when you put the phone down on a crisis call?

by pinkcoconut 9/15/2014

written by pinkcoconut

The police turn up at your house. Even when they don’t know where you live.

I called an urgent mental care health line trying to get some help with not hurting myself. The nurse quizzed me on my address because it might affect where I have my CBT. I felt like he wasn’t trying to talk sense into me and was instead just trying to fill out a form. I shouted at him asking him whether he was going to help me right now or not, and he said he needed my address for my long term care. I put the phone down on him. […]

9/15/2014 4 comments

I’ll feel how I want to feel

by pinkcoconut 9/13/2014

written by pinkcoconut

I’m not sure where to express what I’m feeling. I don’t want to drag down my friends. I don’t want to announce it on Facebook.

I’m totally heartbroken. I miss my ex so much. He turned out to be not very nice in the end. I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I can’t believe he could be so callous, so cold – to leave me when I was suicidal, two days after fleeing home because I couldn’t cope. He left me homeless and took advantage of me sexually. Like, what? How? This person told me he loved me more than anyone in the world […]

9/13/2014 4 comments

Discussion with junior doctors

by pinkcoconut 8/16/2014

written by pinkcoconut

Last night I went to a house party. There were two or three junior doctors there. We were all pretty drunk. I got them talking about the most humane way to kill. I’m not going to disclose what they said here because I respect the rules.

I enjoyed the conversation very much. I made up some bull about wanting to write for TV horror. I’m not going to do anything of the sort. I wanted to find out what the best way to die would be, and what they would choose. I found out some details that would be helpful if it does come to […]

8/16/2014 0 comment

My first post the Suicide Project

by pinkcoconut 8/13/2014

written by pinkcoconut

I’m depressed, anxious and suicidal. Over the last few months, a chain of bad things happened to me. Deaths of grandparents, family tensions, stressful work then redundancy, relationship trust issues, fallings out with friends, the list goes on. Seeking employment, supporting family and trying to forgive a cheating partner became too much for me, and rather than kill myself, I immediately moved out of the family home. Two days later my boyfriend broke up with me in a very cruel way. I’ve been staying in friends’ rooms while they’re on holiday – thank god it’s the summer.

I’m still suicidal. Moving out of home was […]

8/13/2014 7 comments