Hi guys, it’s been some days.
I’ll confess I actually forgot about the SP for some days, and a few days ago I realized I hadn’t logged on in a while. I was kind of shocked, my shock suprised me. Does that mean I actually forgot about suicide for a few days? I did actually. No random thoughts, no dark voices, it had actually been a few peaceful weeks. But does it actually mean I forgot about it? I don’t think so, but it does show me that I can distract myself and have peace, and that makes me hopeful. I think I’m doing okay. I’m back here because, oh well, you guys understand.
There was one night, I got really drunk with some friends and when I got home I kind of had a panic attack, just sitting on the floor, crying, swearing to myself that if I didn’t get help this summer I would finally try to kill myself. I was better in the morning and luckily a friend, maybe my only real friend these days, had stayed over with me and I’m grateful for the company, and for his angry ass telling me to go to sleep 😛
I admit I do like drinking but it had been a while since it had that negative effect on me, which brings up a dilemma: was I actually already feeling that way and the alcohol just made it easier for me to realize what I was really feeling, or did the alcohol just trick me somehow? Anyway, drink responsibly blabla, I fucking love it. So maybe we SP’s some big day in the future will meet up and get really fucked up, maybe it’ll save us. Ah well, I like to imagine that scenario.
Don’t worry, I’m really okay.
I can’t really channel my emotions into words right now, but that’s okay. Always been that way. These thoughts make sense in my head but I can’t write to explain it. I’m happy to see you guys are alive and anyway, just wanted to say hi and good night.
I’m starting a different degree in september, I finally decided that biomedicine isn’t for me and grew a pair and told everyone I wasn’t going to go through with it and was changing the direction of my studies. I really think I made a life saving decision, because it was just draining the only internal energy I had left. I can’t waste my time with things that don’t make me enjoy everyday life. I’m young, but I desperately NEED to start learning to enjoy every fucking day. I want to study to learn.
Feeling really better after writing,