I was in the meditative state today and I just wondered why I have to go back. Why I can’t stay in this state. I had no answer to this. This state is everything I can ever hope for. Calm, peaceful, satisfactory. Then why I go back? Why I must go back? It’s probably my being human. I am a human being, that’s why I have to go back. Is it the lust? It’s like itching, keeping in background, calling me to scratch it and get lost in pleasure. The juice, the bittersweetness. Human world is a mess. Who would willingly want to go in […]
Why, after so long time, it came back? It’s been a year or two or three. You come to tempt me. You come to tease me. Seeing me mired and wayward in world and maya, you come to remind me the way again. Why, may I ask? Why this teasing, this half-quenching, this putting the bottle on the lips and taking it away just before the drop spills? Do you get pleasure out of it or is it some kind of cosmic law that you can only show way and we have to walk the path?
Thank you nevertheless. My life is a meaningless burden, but […]
I think I need to let go of Buddha. I thought I had gotten over him but evidently I’m still sticking to him, like a person in emotional turmoil sticks to whoever he finds trustworthy. I don’t like made up things, I don’t like things that have discreet origin and prejudiced origin. I don’t want to, and maybe can’t, go into his origins but ultimately he is a name and an image that’s imprinted on my mind. Nirvana is a goal that I somehow set for myself. They both have discreet origins, I can see the fakeness. The mind needs a name for whatever it […]
Even if I had a fulfilling day, even if I made good money or watched a good movie or read a good novel, even if I was pleasantly and happily occupied all day, why during night time do I always feel this sick feeling that I have wasted my day, that I have wasted yet another day? What exactly is my expectation from myself? Why do I find pleasures gained from senses and thought repulsive in the end? Why do I distrust my thought, my senses and myself?
Recalling a dialogue of Amol Palekar from movie Naram Garam: ‘Meri zindagi ek sookha ped hai, jispar fool to […]
I have managed to get what I wanted to get. I’m living alone, on my own, isolated from people (except for 1 or 2 short interactions with sellers). Earning decent income from an online site. I no longer feel worthless. God, I hated that feeling. I know my self sufficiency is not long term, but a moment of it is worth a lifetime. For once I’ve proved myself and that’s enough. Whatever happens after will be a different story.
I feel more hollow than ever. I feel more dead than ever. Strange how things change. As a child I used to long very much for a […]
Yet again I gave resignation from my job. It might be the blunder of my life because if the website I’m now entirely dependent on closes down or bans me for some reason (Donald Trump might just make them do it, me being a foreign worker on that US based site) I’ll be rendered workless. I know it won’t be the end of the world, but I’ve found that I cannot work anywhere where I feel my independence is inhibited, and that’s basically everywhere. Why can’t I? If somebody is paying me, which is bringing me food on the table and making me survive, I […]
Things seem to move in waves on SP. The day I felt a strong desire to do my deed, that was day before yesterday, I noticed that on SP also many people have starting talking about committing suicide seriously. It wasn’t like that for last few months, and suddenly in a day it happened. Our consciousness seems to be linked and seems to move in waves. This was probably the beginning of dark wave, or trough.
There is no respite for me. Even living alone, away from family, didn’t change much. My problem is authority. I just can’t stand being under a human being. It brings out such negative and sickening feelings. I am new to the job and haven’t been alloted work yet by department. So I literally do nothing all day. I just sit there and do whatever I want. AND STILL I feel sick and repulsive. Nobody tells me anything then what is the problem? Just the system, just the existence of a fixed pattern and me being part of it. I can’t stand it. No […]
It was always a psychological problem. I was unnecessarily trying to make it philosophical. My mind, it was way stronger enemy than I thought. Though I still could’ve won earlier. I sometimes think I was this close. But perhaps I was always as far as I am now.
What is the state of the outside things? It’s Diwali. I am going to another city on 2 Nov. New job, new life. First time I will live separately from family, although I’m nearly 25. Time runs slowly in the east.
What, what, what is it? Just come out and show yourself. I was always wrong. Couldn’t figure anything out right. […]
Things saturate eventually, and you go beyond them. Until that happens, you’re stuck. I’m stuck. Living dying who cares. My life has been upside down. I attained first what people attain last. I don’t think I know a single person in physical life who has even come across, let alone grasped/understood/solved, questions I was dealing with at the age of 16. And now I’m trying to attain what they attained at first – a place in the world. Yes, I’m trying to become part of the world. Because there is nothing else to do. Because survival. Because all my characteristics/desires/things that defined “me”, were temporary. […]
Just what exactly does what life want out of me? Why don’t I get out of suffering even when I can? I meditated today after a long time. It was so peaceful and fulfilling. But I, purely consciously and deliberately, right in the middle, crashed it all up, torn it all up. I just couldn’t handle the peace! What the hell is wrong with me? What do I want? Is all this suffering not enough? I must be either mad or the most fucked up crooked donkey of a person on earth. (You know the property of a donkey? He gets fat in winter and starved in spring. That’s because in spring […]
I had a job. A government job- with job security, promotion, retirement pension and all. I resigned on 2nd of this April. I have seen it all now. They can’t claim I was just a dreamer not knowing world and worldly ways. Though I hate society and its system to the very core of my being, I always gave them benefit of doubt thinking that maybe, just maybe they know something I don’t. Maybe things change with a job and responsibility. Anyway, on the positive note, nobody can claim I don’t have experience of worldly ways now. But it changed nothing. And I don’t know where to go […]
So I watched two Matrix like movies (World on a wire & The thirteenth floor) and this documentary and I’m back to the thinking world again.
What is life and how are we any different from, say, a rock? I can’t get my head around feeling like a character in video game. What if I’m told today by a supernatural being that this really is a simulation and I’m a Mario like character in it? What difference will this revelation make in my life? I don’t think it will bring any difference. I will keep suffering from same things I suffer now. The state I’m […]
I am the anomaly, I am the problem. This will never end because I will always remain there. If I had that much will, that much thirst to end this suffering, it would have been long gone by now. I just keep moaning, beating the hollow drum to make noise. I don’t really want to end it. If I did, I would’ve by now. Nature keeps taking its natural course. Whatever is still natural in my body and mind also keeps taking its natural course. It is me who is out of the way. I am the anomaly, I am the distort in natural course […]
Not purpose. not peace. I will get over this lust, this loathing that lurks by my mouth. lust of my awareness to get mixed with outside things, lust to get lost in memory. why, this self is not the real one, i have seen it. There exists a state where one is distant from everything and yet he can function genuinely and solve problems. Everything is complete and honest, no lie involved.
It’s funny looking at my older posts. Such illusion yet such passion. I can now pretty clearly see the illusions I was in. Of course at that time I couldn’t see them, but that’s how life has always been with me – a game of hide-n-seek where the thing you’re looking for is right inside you. What amazes me is the passion with which I was seeking. I no longer suffer from the things I was so terribly suffering from then. But that passion is also gone.
This letting go thing is pretty heavy with me these days. I am recalling that conversation from Matrix when […]
I don’t know what I am going to write. I am very acutely aware of everything that happens in me. That’s my property, that’s my specialty. What I am incapable of is- changing it. Life is hell for person who knows he is a hypocrite. The loops and spirals this reflecting produces. An endless blame game. Yeah, I did it. I left this goddamned city one morning and went to the place from where Himalayas start. There they were, vast, majestic. Fuck it’s too embarrassing to even tell what happened next. I came back. Yes, I FUCKING CAME BACK. The loneliness that dawned to me, […]
“To know the truth, you must risk everything.”
“Because you have been down
there, Neo. You know that road. You
know exactly where it ends. And I know
that’s not where you want to be.”
I think Neo didn’t make his choice when when he took the red pill over blue; he really made his choice when he chose to stay in the car with Trinity rather than getting down and going back home.
This job did its job. It took me some to understand what has fallen through. I was freaking out initially because such changes always seem terrifying at first. I recalled a post of mine where I wrote that I can’t follow my way because I have to bear the burden of sustaining my body/ I feel obligation towards my parents/ I hate society and can’t help influence of people while interacting with them. It now seems that all these things were direct or indirect products of my not having a job. I am saying that because these things are vanished now, I no longer feel […]
It’s strange how only dead state produces memory while living state is memoryless.