quaero

So this is how it is going. i won’t really say i will “do” it. lately i seem to be loosing faith in continuity, not theoretically but existentially. i don’t seem to care what happened to me in past, i don’t seem to care how my plans or actions will show their result in future; i just seem to be living in around present, with its little pasts and futures, but not bigger pasts and futures.

I’m becoming more and more secluded into myself.

I’m gonna give up whatever knowledge i have accumulated hitherto, all those conclusions and correlations i’ve made, all my theories and hopes (except one). […]

“you are your own enemy”… but is there anything else to do? enmity is not my problem, its more like a timepass. punishing and punishing and punishing. or i may change my attitude towards other side and it will become doing  good  and doing good and doing good. but what does it matter? how are they any different? choosing one over other – what is being achieved by it, other than me becoming happy instead of sad? and how is that happiness any different than sadness? i don’t see any point in choosing, i don’t see why i should choose one over the other. i […]

I hate being human. its the moment to moment thing that disgusts me most. i can live my life like an idea, with an idea, i can live like the way i want to, but… that would be a lie. i know it too well. at that very moment i know who i am – a human. i know all my hollowness. its just a chaos, there is no order, no system, no continuity.

its disgusting, so much disgusting. i spit. i spit many times. i walk to and fro. i hit my head against wall. it doesn’t go away. it cannot go away. how can […]

I cannot decide. why the hell i am unable to decide? is it so hard of a decision? all the knowledge and experience accumulated hitherto and it cannot make me take the most basic decision? do i care about others, do i care about myself… if yes, then it should be the easiest decision one can make.

i’ve been contemplating only and only this thing since last two days and nights. i am in the uninfluenced state. it should be just so very easy. what a strange thing choice is! we think we can make a choice, but the truth is we cannot. maybe the character of Notes from Underground […]

May the good win over evil and light overcome darkness.

Light everywhere. bulbs, candles, diyas, fire-crackers, rockets. was taking stroll through various lanes and could see the happiness on everyone’s face. infact more on poorer ones that richer. how do they do it? how do they manage to be happy even in such poverty? there is something in them that we are lacking. i won’t conclude non-reflecting every time. they have this thing called hope. and they have society to fill the inner hollowness. this is one thing i like about society – it prevents them from descending into darkness. it keeps them at bay. although […]

i know she is hurt and that’s why she freak out. and i know how social status is almost part of her soul and that’s why she can never accept my differentness from them. but she never look past your own hurt. but she is not to blamed… i know how strong their indoctrination is. i am to be blamed, for i’m the the one who is awake here and yet not stopping this hatred.  i am to be blamed for being weak.

but no, this weakness is result of their upbringing and environment. so what’s left is: i am to be blamed for being awake. but i […]

she is turning into a control freak. maybe its just that earlier she couldn’t find many reasons to say anything (its funny how even unreasonable people need some form of reason to express their emotions). but now she has plenty. was she waiting for it?

but wasn’t she just the same back then too? then too she used to make me feel completely worthless by taking my social awkwardness as reason. she never really appreciated my good academic performance, as if that was taken for granted, and always kept looking for my faults to make me feel shitty. how i used to weep in night and […]

I see what’s coming. I know what will happen. And i know i will do everything to avoid it and still it will happen. That’s the impact of her words (my mom’s). Or does she see through my soul?

i feel like i post everything down. what does it matter, who cares, why care. i feel the urge to expose out what i’m holding back… what i’m holding back since the beginning. what is it? what has made my life heavy. writing is such a slow process, it cannot catch up with thoughts. all the emotions were gone in the very first line and now i’m just deadly repeating out of memory. i feel the need to speak. maybe like that girl who made a video on youtube. but i don’t think that will do either, i have tried such things earlier…i become completely […]

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

— John Green, Paper Towns

how do you get notified of comments on your posts or on posts you commented? i see there is this rss, but i’m not really into rss thing. can’t i get emails?

I’m tired, and finally sick also, of trying to get there in one shot of idealism. i need to find a way that’s compatible with both theoretical ideal world of mind and dirty, dark reality. and since i cannot bring the former down, i’ll have to somehow push the later up. but again not in any unrealistic way. i guess i’m getting it while i’m writing it. i need to use the very energy of real things and need to somehow direct them towards theoretical goal. the energy need to remain the same, with same properties and characteristics, so that no duality can arise again, […]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVZ_lLUIIyU

“A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He’s an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, “I must be insane.” What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes. These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs. Man wants chaos. In fact, he has to have it. Depression, strife, riots, murder – all this dread. We’re irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It’s in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on […]

I don’t understand how a man who has woken up, whose switch has got ON, who has reflected, call it whatever, can ever go upwards. where can he ever find a base to start build things up? once he got into this spiral of reflecting he will keep going deeper & deeper, down & down but won’t ever hit a bottom. so how can such a man ever go up on the ladder of success, or on any ladder that goes upwards for that matter? and yet there are so many intelligent people who only keep going up. surely they must have reflected. do they lie […]

Many lands saw Zarathustra, and many peoples. No greater power did Zarathustra find on earth than good and bad.

I found a gem last night, a key…a key of all keys – a masterkey. idk why but i always find new things whenever i have a fight with my parents. my mom got real angry last night over my sitting in front of laptop all day. she first cried and then took away laptop and hid it somewhere. so i was finally left alone with nothing to do but reflect. started thinking over things she said. one of the things was: what will you do in future. i […]

why do you smile and make me cry? why, why do you try when there is so much pain in you. why? why? i swear if i found that creator…i don’t know….what have these innocent people done??? ok i’m a liar, a sinner i deserve it, i understand that,..i could make a choice…but what have these innocent, honest people done? what? tell me, you owe me an answer very badly!!