Note: as i have written earlier, i sometimes use SP as diary. this is basically just a personal note i want to give to myself, a kind of remainder of a conclusion so that i don’t get lost again or atleast have at the back of my mind that i’ve made some conclusions which are more important than normal random thoughts. all in all i want to get rid of these thoughts without fear of forgetting their essence.
good days are going (i.e. currently happening). but i’m tired of them. in fact i get tired of good days sooner than that of bad days. its looking like i’m not living at all, just vegetating. no motivation for goal, no urge to get it. i can get away with material things, they are/were never really my problems, although i spent a long time thinking that they were. first two year of my college i was thinking that my less marks and my inability to improve them are causes of my suffering. but this facade too was removed when i finally improved them and realized that that hasn’t changed a fucking thing, except that i was no longer feeling that filthy guilt feeling. it only opened my eyes, just like they were opened a few days ago. and it isn’t only the second time, it must have happened atleast a couple of times more, if to include only relatively major realizations. and these realizations don’t allow me to fucking go anywhere; they again and again, again and again brings me back to square one. i just am not moving at all. what a facade all this suffering, this effort to get out, getting out only to realize that nothing big has happened…only that desire to get out has vaporized. what a fucking facade, what a cruel joke! to hell with good days. and now to hell with bad days too! m not gonna trust any of them now. let me suffer if i’m suffering. let me vegetate if i’m vegetating. i have only one goal and i’m going to get it. i don’t need the help of any suffering. i don’t need the help of any desire. because i know my highest hope is not just a desire. its greater than that. they say its there always, ever present, and you don’t actually need to go anywhere, you don’t need to walk any particular path to get it. but still i somehow manage to delude myself again and again that it requires cleansing of mind. but enough is enough. go to hell all you facades. show me all your power. spell at me all your delusions. let me see how elusive you are. let me see how subtle you are. i have in me seed of truth. its gonna burn you the moment i see your face. let me remain at square one. yes, hear that whoever wants to hear: square one is my home now. come, O you tempters, take me as far away as you can from my home; i am a spring – my will to truth will bring me back again.. again and again. and it won’t come empty handed – you will burn and extinct in the process.
I.. don’t know what’s my duty now, what should “I”, the immediate doer, do now, or if there is any duty left at all. should i go along with the tempters or should i resist? should i help in burning as many tempters as possible or should i try to remain seated at my square one? or should i do nothing and go with the flow however it goes? its quite a paradoxical, almost funny, situation. it only shows that i am but a passion, which needs to run, doesn’t matter in what direction. i am tempting, almost like an addict, to get to know what to do, to get to know my duty, waiting to get the GO signal. i AM addicted to running. well then, so be it. i have this suspicion that i’m going to be the last one whom my will to truth will burn. well then, so be it. i’ll suffer till then. so be it. so be it.