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I shouldn’t feel like this

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

There’s too much anxiety in my country, right now. (I don’t wanna get into politics, but it’s not hard to guess which country it is, ha.)

And it’s not even like I’m particularly affected by these political changes. I live a comfortable middle-class life, I’m not an illegal immigrant, I’m not transgender and so on.

But this past week, nothing has been right.

It’s not a coincidence that there’s been a gnawing feeling at the back of my mind, the single thought that I want to die. Like a soundtrack that plays anytime I stop drowning myself in stupid phone games and fictional universes. Everytime I have to […]

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The girl who encouraged her bf to kill himself

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

Michelle Carter. She’s on trial for manslaughter now & everyone is calling her a cruel sociopath and a “c*nt who did it for attention” and such.

People don’t understand, they aren’t willing to understand, why someone would think death is a better option for their loved one than living in pain. It was a messed up thing to do & I think she should have consequences…but why does everyone assume she’s evil??

They just don’t understand.

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Let’s talk about a little thing called medication

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

Every day when you wake up it’s three pills, choked down with juice. (Always juice, because having pills with water tastes like suicide.)

The one that’s supposed to keep you from killing yourself.

The one that’s supposed to make you talk and smile and act like you don’t have crippling anxiety.

The one that’s supposed to take away your mood. How dare you have emotions. How fucking dare you.

It’s bullshit.

There’s no way to measure whether it “works” or not. If you ask my parents, it doesn’t, because I’m still not normal. Like, so what if she feels happier and doesn’t generally want to throw herself off a roof? She […]

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Stop asking “why”

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

Whenever someone is suicidal, or self harms,  the question people most commonly ask is “Why?”  The question they should really be asking is “Why not?”

Everyone else in the world–normal people, those who can function on a daily basis–has a reason why not (even if they don’t realize it.) They have friends, a career, art, music, something that makes their lives good enough to keep going. I don’t. I never have. The last time I attempted was almost three years ago. Since then I’ve been searching for a reason “Why not?” but I can’t find it.

I’ve been thinking about trying again. This Friday I have an […]

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do you know those days

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

where nothing feels real?

and you struggle to maintain a certain level  of normalcy when you’re talking to people?

when all you’re really thinking about is:

cutting. slicing your skin and seeing blood, red against the tan of your skin
jumping off the roof off the university health center, the one with the National Suicide Prevention Month poster in front of it, wouldn’t that be ironic?
sticking your head in an oven, a la Sylvia Plath…would it hurt? would you be able to withstand the pain? imagine the faces of whoever finds you. blood and brains splattered all over the kitchen, your burning corpse against the open oven door
cutting.
burning your […]

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I don’t even know what this post is

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

When “I’m depressed”

comes out of the mouth of a 7 year old,

a kid too young to know what it really means,

you say “Don’t be one of those people, they’re selfish.”

Knowing full well that I am one of “those people.”

 

Is it terribly adolescent of me

to think,

“Oh yeah? You know what’s selfish? You. You and your fucking religion, fucking forcing me to do things I don’t believe in, praying fucking five times a day, wearing a fucking headscarf every fucking day, pretending I like the sexist homophobic Arab-elitist bullshit that spews out of the mouths of the imams giving the Friday sermons. You and your little victim […]

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Triggers

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

Tiny things, really.

Things that shouldn’t affect you, but do.

 

A gulp of water

reminds you of

washing pills down your throat

one pill, two pills, three…five…seventeen…thirty-one.

That was nearly two years ago, and the sensations are as vivid as if it was only last week.

Funny how the human mind works sometimes.

 

 

 

 

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“Just a bad day” rant

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

It started out small. I would feel sad and tired and utterly hopeless for a few hours, maybe one night at the most. I would self harm or cry myself to sleep or rant in my diary until 2 AM. The next morning I would tell myself that yesterday was “just a bad day” and that everyone had them once in a while, so it was totally normal.

I went from having a “bad day” once in a while, to having a “bad day” once a month, to having several “bad days” a month…and before I knew it, I’d become the person I am now. I […]

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A question about cutting

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

I haven’t done it in 5 days and I feel really strange. I’m so stressed right now, and my anxiety levels are super high, and I’m depersonalizing left and right and I kind of really want to cut. But for some reason I can’t bring myself to pick up the safety pin. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I should feel good, free, normal. I don’t, though. All I feel is anger pent up inside me and I don’t know what to do with myself.

So my question is this: Is making tiny, harmless slashes across your skin to relieve stress REALLY worse than bottling up all […]

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Depression is a funny thing

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

It makes you want to just lie there and let the waves of sad hopelessness wash over you and soon your face is damp with hot tears dribbling down your neck and this makes you even more upset because you hate being such a wreck and you wish you could be happy and normal but you can’t because your stupid feelings are dragging you into a vortex of self-hate where thoughts of death tantalize you at every moment and you’re seriously thinking of grabbing the bottle of nail  polish remover on your desk that says HIGHLY TOXIC on it and just chugging it all down […]

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Reason to live

by queenofdarkness
written by queenofdarkness

I don’t understand how people can say suicide is selfish. In my case, it wouldn’t be. It’s not about “escaping” my problems. Nope…if I wanted to drown my sorrows I could easily turn to drinking or cutting myself or eating disorders or ….something, anything. I wouldn’t kill myself.

I’m an extremely logical person. The only reason I would end my life is because it’s not practical for me to be alive. Seriously, what’s the point of being alive? I have nothing to contribute to this world full of happiness and beauty and hope. My parents wasted fifteen years of time on me, spending money that could have […]

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