It started out small. I would feel sad and tired and utterly hopeless for a few hours, maybe one night at the most. I would self harm or cry myself to sleep or rant in my diary until 2 AM. The next morning I would tell myself that yesterday was “just a bad day” and that everyone had them once in a while, so it was totally normal.
I went from having a “bad day” once in a while, to having a “bad day” once a month, to having several “bad days” a month…and before I knew it, I’d become the person I am now. I can’t remember the last time I had a good day. Â I never feel right. I spend lonely hours on tumblr or some random site doing nothing, just scrolling through and blocking out the stressful thoughts that run through my head. And when I try to focus and do some homework or one of my hobbies (writing, blogging) or text one of my friends, I can’t. I just can’t make my thoughts come together. I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type this out, but my grip on reality is slipping and all I want to do is sit here and stare at the wall and huddle inside the comfort of my own pathetic, socially anxious brain. I feel so empty, so numb. I don’t even feel sad or worthless. I just don’t have any emotions at the moment. It’s like I’m nothing. I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing. Or what I got on the computer for in the first place. Or what I’ve been doing on the computer for the past 13 hours. I think I watched some Youtube videos or read fanfiction, maybe. I don’t even know.
Anyway…for some people, it’s not “just a bad day.” Don’t tell me that. It’s not a bad day. It’s a bad life.