rach

If anyone wants to talk about things forbidden here you can email me privately at aracole568@yahoo.com

Suicide as a safety mechanism, self-defense.  Do you ever think about committing suicide for fear that at some point in the future you will be tortured without escape?  If we’d take for instance the occurrance of the Nazi experiments where people were captured, locked away and cut open (often without anesthesia)….let’s use that for example.  So you are worried that something like this may happen to you in the future, or may happen to a loved one in the future.  And that worry is not “crazy” or “weird” because anything under the sun can happen here in this world.  If it’s happened once, it can […]

Lately I find myself more and more consumed about what life should be compared to the brutal reality.  The reality for me is disfigurement, fear, dread, no future, no love, no joy peace or happiness.  All I had wanted from life was to be innocent.  To learn, to create, to sit outside and paint, to watch animals play, to love someone, to go to school, to develop talents, this should be life.

But for some of us horror, dread, and humiliation are all that life has to offer.  And the diabolical cruelty that, for some of us, there is no means of escape beyond the horrific and […]

One of these days this planet is going to catch fire and burn up.  Good riddance earth and good riddance humanity.  God I’m sorry for all the animals you murdered.

I feel that even if I could be offered an easy death like ******** (and that’s never going to happen to the likes of me), something inside of me cannot accept an easy death.  Of course I want to die easy.  Lay down and die in peace what a happy thought.  But I cannot for two reasons.  One, I am a huge mistake.  A genetic mishap and although I cannot help it I feel enormous guilt about the whole thing.  I am sorry I exist.  I am sorry I was never good enough.  The other is that I know animals are tortured in the most […]

Is this whole world being run by demons?  Does it feel like larger (and malevolent) forces are dictating your life and this world?  Making things 100X harder than they should be?  Causing pain, humiliation, despair, anguish and grief for good hearted people and for animal?  It seem like everything that can go wrong does go wrong, and then some?  It seem like pieces of your mind is missing?  Seem like people want to hurt you?  Seem like you can say something that’s true and obvious 1000 times but no one will believes you or pay attention to you?   Seems like people are blind to what should […]

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been. ”

What do you guys think about that?

Imagine that tonight as you slept a wicked spirit came by and put a curse on you.  When you wake in the morning, you will have down syndrome.  In fact, you will spend the rest of your life, the next forty years, with down syndrome.  Would you kill yourself?

That’s how I feel every day.  I was cursed in the womb, not down syndrome but something pretty close (I use the condition down syndrome here because its something people are familiar with).  My options are to live with “down syndrome” or to kill myself.  And believe me, I’d rather be dead.

I know it’s not politically correct […]

I am really fading now.  I know I’m not ever going to be ok.  Hanging on as long as possible because animals depending on me.  Every night I am having very graphic nightmares:  decapitations, rapes, stabbings with scissors, all kinds of tortures going on in mightmares.  Daytime isnt’ any better as it is always the living nightmare, worse even than the dreams.  I am so ready to go and find the peace of death.   I was taught growing up that this world was the work of a loving god!  You have got to be kidding me!   You know what I think we’re all being fucked […]

Do you guys got one person on this world that truly loves you?  Unconditionally?  Somebody you could share secrets with or just sit and be quiet with?  Somebody that would come looking for you if you were lost?  Or have you never had that?

They say the human race has been going through the process of evolution all this time.  Changing and changing and changing.  Into what?  I mean really what’s the point of all this?  And clearly evolution isn’t working out so good, you’ve got so many born these days with horrible genetic problems like I was.  Seems like de-volution is going on with so many birth defects these days, seems like life must have been better in ancient Greece or something, seems like people were healthier back then at least.

If we’re in this collective human evolution project thing, it means we’re just pawns anyway.  Just being sacrificed […]

I have had a new dream.  In this dream I was in the operating room.  I was under some anesthesia or something and was very weak but I managed to crawl off the operating table and out of the room.  There were two guys outside of the room, I said to them as I crawled “Can’t you see I’m dying?”  then I tried to keep going.  However I don’t think I made it much further as I was too tired.

I think it means I am supposed to try hard to escape and not let them operate on me anymore.

Yesterday walking my dog something caught my eye […]

When someone says that life is an illusion what do they mean?

How can life be an illusion since pain is SO REAL?

Is bullying just natural, just nature’s way of weeding out what’s not normal?  I’ve told you guys I’ve been bullied bad all my life because of my genetic abnormality.  In other words, I’m ugly as sin, I’m weak as water, I got so much bullying even at church so I had to stop going.

Out in nature with animals if a creature is born so severely far off from what its supposed to be, it’s likely to be rejected.  The mother might refuse to feed it, she might even kill it.  It is very sad, but that’s how animals are hardwired.  I just wonder if me […]

I am a person that gets a lot of nightmares, a lot of really extremely f*cked up nightmares, but I am troubled over a recent dream.  Well, first I should explain that in my dreams I am always in a perfect form (not at all disabled).  Strong and healthy.  In this bloody dream I had been sent with a few other poor souls to a sort of haunted mansion type place.  It was full of gruesome different types of demons in different rooms which we were forced to find and kill a certain number.  If we succeeded in killing them all we’d be allowed to go.  Well […]

Ariel Castro, kidnapper and rapist, died by suicide by hanging in his prison cell.  Why should he die so quick and easy.  Every day we see the worst and cruelest of people living comfortably and dying easy.  A Jew slowly freezes to death in the concentration camp but Adolph Hilter swallows a pill and disappears.  A scientist vivisects a helpless animal screaming in pain and terror, that animal dies in agony, the scientist dies in old age in his sleep.  God it drives me mad, it is like the whole universe exists in favour of the evil ones.

Do you suspect, as I do, that human extinction could be the meaning of life?  That perhaps our creator/s, such as they are, are allowing all this pain and torture and misery just waiting for humanity to figure it out and do the right thing (stop making new people, stop continuing the cycle of horror for each new generation?).  What if this is the test of our selflessness?  To see if we will selfishly choose to perpetuate the human race thereby subjecting billions of lives to immesurable sufferings or if we will selflessly decide that humanity on the whole has shown itself unworthy of continuation […]

Right, well I’ve got a weird tree in my backyard.  It has a strange single branch on it that’s very thick and just above my eye level.  For some reason when I’m out back playing with puppy I always don’t see that giant branch and knock myself in the head (hard).  This has happened many times over.  I got irrationally pissed with that tree and thought I ought to cut that branch off but I never did, because I’m so fond of trees.

I had been troubling myself over wanting to hang myself (an endevour I keep trying and failing at) but not having a reasonable place […]