Lately I find myself more and more consumed about what life should be compared to the brutal reality. The reality for me is disfigurement, fear, dread, no future, no love, no joy peace or happiness. All I had wanted from life was to be innocent. To learn, to create, to sit outside and paint, to watch animals play, to love someone, to go to school, to develop talents, this should be life.
But for some of us horror, dread, and humiliation are all that life has to offer. And the diabolical cruelty that, for some of us, there is no means of escape beyond the horrific and violent. Ever tried tossing yourself off a building onto concrete hoping your spine breaks? How easy is that?
Christianity was a joke it promised so much. It delivered nothing. Fuck you, god.
Heaven is a joke. As though I could believe in a good life after all this hell. As though any “reward” would ever be worth being put through all of this humiliation.
I think of myself wandering through a forest enjoying the trees, no animals dying, no cold rain, just the experience of life. And know that I cannot ever have such an experience.
When life offers no pleasure, and only pain. When life offers no freedom, and only chains. When death hides from you in all the million ways you seek it. When all you ever hoped for is given freely to everyone around you, but no matter how hard you work, you will never have it.
I had longed for freedom. But god took all of that away. Now there is only, what could have been.
No, life, you were never worth it.
7 comments
You write it so well, and I understand. I’ve lived through 69 years of this Hell called ‘life on planet Earth.’ But, at least, after working for it all my life, I now have my own humble home in the woods with my pets, and trees, and sun, and rain, and summer night sounds and an occasional winter snow and spring and fall and peace.
Was it worth it? I don’t know. But it’s very good now, and mostly I stay away from humans. They are one very fucked up species.
yeah,thanks for explaining it for me:)you sound like my personal secretary.you should get a raise,you know:-)
I don’t think life is like that for everyone but there are lots of people who either from the outset or at later on find that there is no prospect of living to a standard a reasonable person would expect. This is more than jealousy when comparing their lives to a supermodel or someone who drives a Ferrari because if they do that, there probably isn’t much wrong with their life. Once you’re in a situation where the main reason people have for living are out of reach, over time expectations are reduced because the degrading experience effects the way you view yourself and the world and it’s this experience that prevents people from at the very least enjoying some simple aspects of life that shouldn’t really have to cost anything.
Yes, I mean should it have to be somebody’s lifelong dream that they could go swimming in a swimming pool? This is nothing to most people. For someone like me it means a life of wishing for something that cannot happen. Should I be forced into wishing that simple wish for thirty years when others around me simply drive off in a car, dive in, feel the water around them? The definition of hell is to be alive perpetually in a state of denial of the basic needs and in a state of suffering. It’s supposed to be after death for wicked people who deserve it. So I ask, why are so many of us born into such a state? And why do our parents sit back and watch as we are connected to machines, as we are confined to beds, as we lose the life that is supposed to be present in the eyes and become blank machines? My mom even says my voice sounds like a robot many times, and that it is scary. Of course my voice sounds like a robot. For my humanity was stripped away and I was forced into becoming a machine. For gods sake, society, don’t do this to people.
@ Rach Stephen Hawking would be a good person to ask because he has fought for the life you describe. Maybe he can se something we can’t. I’m not sure whether you don’t go swimming because of physical impairment or other people or both but if it’s the later, I’d kick their ass. But I understand why you feel that way.
As long as you aren’t the only persons in the world experiencing it, you’re not alone. There are unpleasant experiences in life and some of them are fatal. Why it happens, I don’t know but it’s there and we have to deal with it.
I cannot go due to the extent of my disabilities and the use of technology that keeps me alive. Also I cannot go out in public without being stared at the whole time and ridiculed (my face is extremely abnormal).
Swimming is overrated and so are people.