Losing my mind, fading

I am really fading now.  I know I’m not ever going to be ok.  Hanging on as long as possible because animals depending on me.  Every night I am having very graphic nightmares:  decapitations, rapes, stabbings with scissors, all kinds of tortures going on in mightmares.  Daytime isnt’ any better as it is always the living nightmare, worse even than the dreams.  I am so ready to go and find the peace of death.   I was taught growing up that this world was the work of a loving god!  You have got to be kidding me!   You know what I think we’re all being fucked with.  I know my own life and brain are being fucked with every day and every night by something that feels real and evil.  I think if we were able to pull back the curtains on this world and see what lies behind it all, we’d find some incarnate evil things that are running this place.  I don’t think we are even living.  Might be just existing in some purgatory thing.  I just get so confused.  I know I need to do something urgently before things get worse.  But many animals depending on me to be there and don’t have the heart to leave them.   I do not know what it feels like to be happy or peaceful.  Every day I wrap myself up in my blanket which has cute little sheep on it and says “the lord is my shepherd I shall not want he leads me beside still waters he restores my soul though I walk the valley of death I fear not evil……”  What the fuck.  If the lord is out there and he is my shepherd he is leading me through the pits of hell traumatizing and devastating me, there sure as fuck aren’t any “still waters”.   I need this to be over.  Better yet, never started.