is any time someone put their hand out socially. I couldn’t talk to ppl until I was 28 and when in school I was as quiet as a mouse particularly secondary school. That could have been paranoia about stuttering. I stuttered until the age of 15, stuttering is a **** of a condition and any stutterer would have my deepest empathy. As a stutterer I thought the world revolved around my stuttering, it was only when I came to the greatest realisation in life -‘nobody cares’ that my speech became fluent. I found it hard to make friends in school but eventually made friends then […]
A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality. Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am. An aviation expert made a very good point that […]
“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” wrote Shakespeare. Equally uneasy lies the head of he who has not paid a motorway toll. It had been on my mind for some time all thanks to a fucking horror story that did the rounds in May, the story went a guy received a 50 grand fine over an unpaid toll that had been accumulating for some time. My understanding was the toll has to be paid by 8pm the following evening and if not the toll doubles every day thereafter. The government acting in concert with the private company that runs the toll would be […]
As mentally ill. Similar to the way an alcoholic won’t or can’t admit he is an alcoholic and if pulled up about about it reacts with hostility ” what the fuck are you talking about, Im not an alcoholic, I can stop any time I want”. That type of attitude. Suicidal depression and the delusions that accompany it are a form of mental illness, particularlty the delusions. The fucking delusions I was under when I was younger. I was in therapy when I was 22 and one day the following conversation took place ” Perhaps your seeing someone?” Said the female therapist. ” No, I […]
My fucking thinking as of late has become unsound. There are stages to suicidal ideation and when you hit the critical stage you can feel it. You know you’re going to lose the battle, you’re gonna do something, you can’t think straight. In the aftermath of a suicide an inquest is held and the conclusion of these inquests is always the same namely the suicide took his or her life when their judgment had become impaired. You don’t know what you will do until you get desperate enough. I tried discussing my frame of mind with friends and got no relief. In reality nobody has […]
A good joint, good food, and a good movie staves off suicidal thoughts for me, albeit temporarily. I returned home with a beef curry with onion, fried rice and chips. I had the plate, water, movie, ready to go. I had 2 joints already rolled and awaiting attention. I had already showered and shaved. I put the chips on the plate first, fried rice on top of chips, beef on top of that and curry sauce last. I sat down and started ‘Carlitos way’. Suicide was off my mind but not gone from my mind. Once Suicidal thoughts get a foothold its a permanent condition […]
Was by leaving the soccer team aged 13. This error would have far- reaching consequences on my social development. I put myself back ten years in one fell swoop. I had listened to educational propagandists waxing lyrical about the merits of education and I bought that lie, withdrew from the soccer team to study and put myself firmly on the suicidal path.
One day not long after I left the team I bumped into Noddy and little Scooby, both players on the team, who were talking to these two girls with some degree of confidence. ” I see you left the football team” they said. ” […]
Was by living in a world of imagination. I remember well what a teacher wrote on a term report card when I was in third class – ” Being a dreamy boy” was the line in question. The translation of this line would be ” he lives in the imaginary world and not the real one”. A problem, any problem has to be caught early, if not caught early just like cancer it gets out of control and you die. This fucking propensity I had for imagination led to the inevitable namely hardcore suicidality. I recall an interview with Fellini about the time he took […]
I was getting a breakfast roll. There was a girl txting on her phone, eyes down. I just started talking, one can’t stand on ceremony in this world, ” A breakfast roll with bacon,sausage, egg, butter and ketchup ” I said. She looked up from her phone ” what?” She said whilst blowing out bubblegum with a resounding pop. ” you heard” I said. “A breakfast roll with bacon,sausauge, egg and butter” she said bitchily. “and ketchup, the attitude on you,I’d say you give ur boyfriend a terrible time, don’t you, tell me the truth” I said. ” Actually I don’t have a boyfriend” she […]
Is the reality of the situation I find myself in. Self-inflicted of course, all week I have been sparking up joints at 11.55 am so it stands to reason I would develop a tolerance. Another joint following for the Euro 2024 Soccer championship at 2,5 and 8pm. Too much of a good thing always acquaints one with the law of diminishing returns.
Is never fucking wrong. So I got a bit of a start when It read 1hr30 mins for a journey and not the usual 42mins. I also elected to ignore the fact it said part of the motorway was closed and proceeded with the journey anyway. I would pay for that later on. First 30 mins I sped along fine, if there was a logjam I must have avoided it I thought to myself. All of a sudden I drove into traffic at a standstill. A sign glared ‘ Emergency vehicles only on left lane’. I checked google maps it read 2hrs 45 mins. I […]
Was by not ending my life at 15. Sure there were some good times here and there but not enough warrant the daily struggle the suicidal character endures. Even the highest peak of pleasure known to man, that is – sex with a 10 still could not get suicide of my mind. I remember that encounter viv1idly. Years ago I was living briefly in South America. One night I got talking to an amigo “,Amigo marijuana no” i said whilst dropping voice low. “Si amigo” said the amigo he continued with “I know a place where the gir bls are like models sexmassage you shoyld […]
Was by watching/ reading specialized shit, shit far removed from the mainstream, you depart from the mainstream in this world and you go under. I remember building up a collection of non mainstream movies, oh how I wish that collection was in front of me right now, I sold said collection in furtherance of the purchase of drugs, but if that collection was in front of me I would take a sledgehammer to it. I got back into watching mainstream shit such as premier league soccer and noticed an improvement in myself. Food for tbought, perhaps once in a blue moon you can indulge in […]
I popped in to the chipper. There was myself, a drunk, two other customers, a little Italian gentleman who I deduced was the proprietor and a virginal young girl about 18 who was frying the chips. I had to admire the virginal young girls beauty. The drunk was loud and was quite caustic towards the little gentleman in a manner such as ” you have the best chicken hidden, don’t you? You’re giving me the garbage”. The little gentleman was a bit intimidated by the drunk and retreated to the back quarters of the chipper leaving the virginal young girl to handle the drunk alone. […]
Was what I treated myself to at noon. A roman candle of euphoria exploded in the brain pushing the pleasure to the whole body. I had a few hours to sober up from this joint, six to be precise, before I would be driving to pick up some more, not something I would advocate, but when sensational shit is available one has to stock up while the going is good. Of course the only problem with a nice joint is it can provoke a desire for a second nice joint. I decided that five hours to sober up would be sufficient, once again not something […]
I was acting on the supposition ppl are stupid, or in this particular case the brunette pharmacist. There was a tonality to her voice which implied her mind was made up and could not be changed, at least that was my deduction from the other end of the phone. Terror made me bold ” but maybe there was a technical glitch, the Ambien is definitely due today” I said. ” No, there has been no to use your phrase technical glitch, the Ambien is not due for another three weeks” she said with that same tonality I didn’t like. This was it ” so there’s […]
Go out of their way to maintain an image. I remember my father telling me a bizarre story about when he worked as a bus driver in the late 80’s. Every morning a well dressed and supposedly well to do man would push his way on to the bus saying ” I have a very important meeting this morning, hurry up”. To which my father responded with “Im not getting paid enough to hurry, sit down”. This man would get off the bus at the cental bank on Dame street and get the elevator to the top floor, five minutes later he would be ejected […]
There’s always a very short window of opportunity in every facet of life which closes very rapidly, and once closed, is closed forever. When it comes to recovery, shall we say recovery from suicidal thoughts, that wndow of opportunity has closed permanently should you find yourself still suicidal after 21. I recall as younger man being able to feel the window of opportunity close in respect of trying to score weed with the lads. If you like weed you don’t just like it, you fucking love it passionately, like the passionate love between Heathcliff and Cathy in Emily Bronte’s celebrated novel.
I recall vividly standing under […]
I was at the train station. There was a junky going around putting the bite on ppl to use their phone. I couldn’t listen to this shit first thing on a Monday morning. The junky approached me ” Can I use your phone to ring my poor dying mother?” Said the junky. Who the fuck would buy a story like that, or even be able to listen to this shit in the first place. ” Nah…. man” I said. ” I’ll ask soneone else” said the junky in a deflated manner. ” You do that” I said. I would rather be judged by twelve than […]
I was getting a haircut. ” so, what’s it going to be?” said the barber. ” its going to be a three at the sides and back, nice and short on the top, spiked,tossed, more tossed than spiked, gel, to about this length” I said whilst grabbing a strand of hair to show the length I wanted. There was what I deduced was a socially awkward middleaged man in the next chair beside me. There are subtle differences between a man and a boy. One difference being the ability to socialize comfortably. If one does not become highly socialized one will end up like this […]
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