saph

There’s not a single day that has gone by in the last six years where I didn’t think about killing myself. How I would do it. Where I’d go. What would I do to prevent anyone from getting to me. It’s scary, because I’ve been thinking about it for so long now, I’ve gotten good at it. I know what would kill me, it’s so easy. I don’t want to share it because of how readily available it is. But I’ve run the scenario through my head over, and over, and over. I can’t get it out.

I don’t talk about these feelings with […]

I’ve taken steps towards bettering my future (albeit reluctant dragging steps) and I thought that the idea of finally being financially secure enough to move out on my own would be enough motivation to keep going. I was wrong, of coarse.

What I’m doing now, is just playing catch-up. I skimped out on my last year of high school, so I’m missing a credit to get into the one college program that I’ve shown interest in. That last bit alone is really big for me. I’ve spent years dodging around things not really feeling that any of the courses would hold my interest long enough […]

Here I was, thinking that I was doing some good for myself by taking some steps towards what one might call a future. But thanks to how fucked up I am, there’s nothing to step towards. There’s no path. There’s no plan. I was under the illusion that there was, but how could there be anything when it’s all so broken?

I had actually picked out a college program for myself. It was a complicated one called “Electronics Engineering Technician Computers.” Quite a mouthful I know. I’m not sure what made me think that it’s what I wanted. I saw the courses listed, and it looked […]

1. Are they degrading you?

Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. At least, not for very long. When I did poorly, there was nothing worse then that. It became my everything to try and do better, if only to stop the cracking whip that was her voice. When I did succeed, there was brief praise, then an expectation. If you raised the bar, you better not fall below it again, or you’ll find it cracking you on the head. it didn’t really matter though, because “you’re not really good at anything are you?” When I tried to speak up, I was beaten down. […]