Preventing Progress

I’ve taken steps towards bettering my future (albeit reluctant dragging steps) and I thought that the idea of finally being financially secure enough to move out on my own would be enough motivation to keep going. I was wrong, of coarse.

What I’m doing now, is just playing catch-up. I skimped out on my last year of high school, so I’m missing a credit to get into the one college program that I’ve shown interest in. That last bit alone is really big for me. I’ve spent years dodging around things not really feeling that any of the courses would hold my interest long enough for me to complete them with decent marks. I had no passion or drive to do any of them. Until I thought about this one. Then of coarse, I can’t take it right away because I’m missing a credit. Anyways, my problem now is getting myself to do the work for the credit. The place I signed up at is all the way across town, and has very limited hours. So going to the teacher is almost impossible with my full-time job. But getting help is easy enough, YouTube has literally everything on it. The work itself isn’t that hard. There are ten ‘prep’ lessons and then five for the actual credit. If I had done some work for an hour every day since I started, it would be done by now. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to do it. I’d call it laziness, if it weren’t for the fact that I still fill my time with “productive” things (I use italics because the only productive thing I should be doing is earning this credit) like doing the odd craft, cleaning up my room etc.

I’ve now wasted over two months, just barely starting the second prep lesson. At this point, I feel like even if I tried, I wouldn’t finish everything on time. A part of me feels like it’s pointless. That I’d probably fail the college program anyways so this in itself is just a waste of time. But another part of me knows that this is the only way I’m ever going to get anywhere in life. I know I NEED to do this and a good part of me WANTS to. But for some reason, I always have an excuse. Feeling like shit being the most frequent headliner. I don’t know why, maybe some kind of trauma from my past or something I’m forgetting, but whenever I think about working on any of the lessons, I get depressed, and I get anxiety attacks. Full on hysterical (but silent) crying with that one little asshole voice in my head going “You’re useless” “You can’t do anything” “Of coarse you’re not going to get anything done” and I hit a brick wall. Once I hit that wall, I go running to one of my many distractions, and all hope of getting anything done throws itself out the window. I wish my mind was like a computer, and I could just find that one file that fucks everything up and delete it.

My time really is running out though, and I’ve gotten nowhere. I’m fighting with myself and losing. But this really might be my last chance at getting out of this house. I don’t know what to do at this point.