what the hell is the point of life?
what the hell am i living for?
what the hell is my problem?
what the hell is the reason for all my issues?
what the hell is wrong with life??
Hi, I’m 12 years old and in the 7th grade. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have considered it. I just want it all to end sometimes, but sometimes I look around and think, “Why would I want to die? There’s so much to live for.” I started cutting about two months ago, but got addicted fast. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was in control and I wasn’t. Finally I thought, “This is stupid. I’m done with this.” I managed to not cut for all of 24 hours, then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and cut again. I […]
butterflies
are drawn up and down my arms.
butterflies
in black ink around my arms.
butterflies
in purple ink
resting on my wrists.
if i kill those butterflies i kill myself.
the butterfly project.
seven rules
that i must follow.
seven rules
that i will follow.
because i know that i have to stop
and i want to stop.
i’m just having some issues stopping
but i will
eventually.
i will stop until the butterflies fade
at least.
and then i can revert to cutting
just a little.
in the meantime:
no more cutting
no more pain
no more red.
maybe someday they’ll fade
not today
not when i keep recarving them
again
again
again.
the ones where i went deeper are darker
predictably.
the ones where i traced lightly are lighter
predictably.
i kept them contained
all of the scars grouped in one area
easy to hide.
easy to lie about.
but i’m so sick of hiding scars
and i’m so sick of lying
and no i don’t want people to know
but yes i think i’ll tell them.
not my parents–
i bet they’d freak.
not any relatives–
they, too, would freak.
not anybody who would tell my parents–
no. my parents would freak freak freak.
but maybe at school.
not because anybody there listens to me
not because anybody there […]
stop cutting
that’s what needs to happen
that’s what i need to do.
but the problem isn’t knowing that
i know it all right
i know perfectly fine that’s what i have to do
it’s just i’m not strong
never have been strong.
i’m not strong enough to stop
because i need the pain so much
i need the anchor to the earth
so much
that i can’t give it up now.
i don’t know if i would call this an
addiction
but maybe that’s what it is.
idk.
how should i know?
why should i know?
and sometimes i just want to be
gone
wiped out of existing forever because you know my existence is
pointless anyways.
i am so […]
i feel numb
all the time
now.
now that i cut
i feel like there’s
an ice-cube on my
mind.
like there’s an ice-
cub covering my
heart.
like i can’t feel any-
thing.
i can think, that’s for
certain.
like i said, this, this
cutting
has saved me from
ruin.
i can think. the cutting has
helped
me pull my life back
together.
mostly it was my school
life
meaning my grades and
whatever
that was falling apart when i
had
nothing to hold onto, nothing to
cling to.
and so now that the cutting has
numbed
my feelings and made it so i can’t
feel
i can concentrate on thinking
bringing
up those grades and being
less
stressed. which is a good thing.
but
it gives me stress, too, like
what
if […]
got caught.
so scared.
stupid doctors.
i went to one, just a check-up
with my parents
the other day
and when she did that fabric around your arm
that squeezes
well before she did it really
she had to tell me
“roll up your sleeve.”
in my head i was
“goddamngoddamngoddamn”
and trying to find a way out of doing what
she told me to do.
i couldn’t
so i just rolled up my sleeve.
this was not one of the ways
i imagined the finding out.
my mom gasped
as the nurse wrapped the
stupid
scratchy
cold
fabric around my upper arm
and said
“what happened to […]
no
i don’t drink it
i’m too young to be an alcoholic.
don’t you know that?
it’s just the rubbing kind
that stuff.
i love it.
after i cut
both to continue the pain
and to disinfect
(’cause, yeah, i’m the only cutter in the world who gives a crap about that)
but mostly for the pain
i pour it in the cuts.
i would say it’s like
getting high
but i never have
so i can’t say.
if getting high is anywhere near as amazing as this
i see why people are stupid enough to.
it’s like
fire in my veins
it’s […]
ruins is what cutting made other girls into
but that’s not what it does for me.
when i take the blade
run it across my arm
it doesn’t ruin me
not yet anyways.
i know that eventually it will
but not yet.
for now,
the silver blade
and the beautiful pain
and the red
they keep me from being ruins.
they are my anchor to the earth.
they stop me from being ruins
although in the long run it will ruin me
if i don’t stop
if I can’t stop.
for now
although i’m lost in the ruins
i am not a part […]
sometimes i feel
like a lost little girl
in the park.
looking for her mommy
only not really.
she is looking for somebody
who cares that she is
lost.
only nobody does
care.
so i am still lost
still that lost girl
looking for her mommy
in the park.
and all i do
when i can’t find her
i swing.
swing.
get on the swing
let it make me rock,
higher, higher.
and i have to use metaphors for this
because i’m not swinging
because i’m lost
i’m cutting
because i’m lost.
and i just need somebody to find me.
i just need […]
i see red
not enough red
never enough red
everyday i see red
everyday i don’t see red
i think i’m going crazy
i think i’m dying.
which is ridiculous because if anything kills me it will be the red.
and i’m not supposed to be that
i’m not supposed to be ridiculous
solid
down-to-earth
laughing
straight-a
goody-2-shoes
that’s who i am
who i’m supposed to be
that’s what they tell me
anyways.
and this is ridiculous
because i hate poetry
but i have to write this because i have to
which is not a good reason
and i know that
and i don’t care.