no
i don’t drink it
i’m too young to be an alcoholic.
don’t you know that?
it’s just the rubbing kind
that stuff.
i love it.
after i cut
both to continue the pain
and to disinfect
(’cause, yeah, i’m the only cutter in the world who gives a crap about that)
but mostly for the pain
i pour it in the cuts.
i would say it’s like
getting high
but i never have
so i can’t say.
if getting high is anywhere near as amazing as this
i see why people are stupid enough to.
it’s like
fire in my veins
it’s like
feeling so alive
it’s like
feeling untouchable
it’s like
knowing myself
it’s like
the pain of everything
mental and emotional
going out of the cut
like i’m trading that pain for
fire.
it’s beautiful
pain is beautiful
and i know i’ve said that but it’s true
pain lets me know myself.
not love myself
nobody cares enough to love me
or anything close to that
not all of me.
maybe they like the side of me
they see
not the darkness
not the crying
not the screaming
in
my
head.
just the side i show
the side where I
try
to
act
perfect.
even though i know there’s no such thing.
just ’cause i cut doesn’t mean i’m stupid.
but
back to the beauty
back to the pain
back to the alcohol.
i am not an adult
so i live with my parents.
they haven’t noticed
that there’s little
to no
alcohol
left because i pour it
pour it in the cuts
sometimes watering it down
usually not.
i don’t know
if i want them to find out
if i want to see how much they
(or anyone)
care.
i don’t think so.
i doubt i’ll get the answer i want.
and until they do
i will continue
in my head
imagining them catching me
imagining what will be my alibi.
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4 comments
GOD loves you. I wish I could tell you something more positive but, we do live in a cold, cruel, self serving world. The good news is, its all temporary. Endure, don’t give up on your self, your one of the chosen.
How can an idea love anyone?
We need to stop filling kids with lies, which end up sending them down the wrong path, and blinding their eyes to the reality humans have created for ourselves and others.
Let them see the world without the filters. Let them see that the world is actually quite harsh and unforgiving, and let them see that the only way to fix it, is to let the real problems be seen, so they can be understood, so they can be solved.
Filling minds with lies only prevents solutions.
There’s (probably) no God. So he doesn’t love anyone.
On the other hand, there’s nowhere to go. Live, feel, think, write. Cut if you need. Taste the moment, the peace, the air, the sound, the light.
Good luck, I think you’ll grow up to be some interesting person.
i don’t mean to argue against beliefs or anything like that, but if god loves me, why has he made my life so freaking hard? i’m so scared, both of living and of dying. why hasn’t he made me fearless, made it all easy?