ruins

ruins is what cutting made other girls into
but that’s not what it does for me.
when i take the blade
run it across my arm
it doesn’t ruin me
not yet anyways.
i know that eventually it will
but not yet.
for now,
the silver blade
and the beautiful pain
and the red
they keep me from being ruins.
they are my anchor to the earth.
they stop me from being ruins
although in the long run it will ruin me
if i don’t stop
if I can’t stop.
for now
although i’m lost in the ruins
i am not a part of them.
yet.
because the pain stops me from ruin.
because the red stops me from ruin.
and especially i am kept from ruin
by
the
alcohol.