I can’t make it anymore. I always come back to the same point. When I’m alone, I see that my life is pointless and worthless. and I want to die again. Why? I try to live. I try to find the reason to live. I try so hard. But those thoughts…They don’t leave me…Why do I always come back to the same point?
Everybody in this house just doesn’t want to exist. I heard my grandma saying this and how am I supposed to help her when I don’t even know how to find the reason to live? I’d like to help her but sometimes her mind is just not in as good condition as it used to be. My mother blames my grandma for the fact that my mom’s condtion is worse. That’s because about one or two years ago, when my sister and I were at school, grandma could help mom walk. In this way, she was still exercising. But when grandma went to the hospital, we needed to find other ways.That’s way mom is weaker, not able to move and gets tired easily. I think grandma was just too tired. It was more comfortable to let my sister and I do all the work. I try not to blame her. But it makes me so angry, when she complains about everything. That we do sth wrong, that we don’t speak loud enough, that we speak too loud, that we don’t stay at home when she wants. I’m just so tired. So angry. Let me die.
It’s so hard to write about this. U’ll be the first people who will know the truth about me even though you even don’t know my real name.
So…When my mom was pregnant, it turned up she had MS. This cannot be cured. There is no treatment. No chance. It can only gets worse. And it gets. I was the child she was going to born. My mom had the second, healthy baby but I’d like not to be ever born. If I hadn’t be born, she would be healthy now. She could be leading a happy life with my father and sister.In the first years she could walk. I remember small me, helping her. Moving her feets so she could get to the kitchen. Then I went to school. I didn’t tell anyone about the illness of my mother. She told me not to do that. I think she has always been ashamed of her disease even though it’s my fault, not her. Right now…She is in really bad condition. She hasn’t got enough strenght to move. Luckily, my sister is strong enough to help her. I’m too weak, not good enough. I do my best, but that’s never enough. This disease is destroying us all. No one in this home is happy. Everyone is angry, disappointed with their lives. I love my mom and I’m praying to God. I ask him to take my life and give my mom her health back, but he doesn’t listen. DOES HE NOT HEAR ME? I deserve for death! My mom should have never been ill. She had so many dreams…Travelling, continuing her career. Right now she is at home all the time. She’s afraid of new people, ashamed of herself. If it hadn’t been me, it could be so different.
I am the reason why she is crying.
You know what? That’s just one of the reasons why I want to leave. That’s even funny, isn’t it?
I’m here, can’t sleep, my stomach aches, I can’t force myself to learn. That’s why I’m writing. I just need to organise what’s on my mind. In the last years, so many things happened. I couldn’t even think about it. I stopped writing a diary. But it’s high time to make a confession, isn’t it? Time of decisions came. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for that. If I’m ready to think twice about the things that make me cry even now. But if I want to leave, I don’t want to leave a mess. Does it make any sense?
I’m planning to write about what happened to me in a few parts. Just can’t tell about it all at once.
Thank you all for welcoming me. It really made me smile. c:
PS.Isn’t that a bit selfish? I re-read this post and it’s all about me, my problems, my life. I never liked to talk about the bad things in my life. Always pretended that I’m okay. I guess I’ve come to this point when I’m trying to get myself out of this hole, if that’s still possible.
I still can’t believe what I am doing. Looking for help in the Internet? In the past I’d probably just laugh at such a stupid idea. Instead, I’m here telling you how hopeless my life has become and how hard I’d just like to have a forever rest from everything. I wish I could not live. Who asked me if I wanted to live? I was just born. That’s not fair. Well, anyway, I just want to say hi to everyone. I’ve read many of your posts as I’ve been considering this step for a long time and finally I’m here. I’m impressed by your strength, the ability to go on. I know how hard it is sometimes.
PS. Is this site really completely free (that means I do not have to pay for anything: posting sth or I don’t even know what), safe and anonymous? Sorry for bothering you, that’s probably a stupid question.