No one knows and no one can see. I cant cry anymore only gag and rock myself until I stop moaning the pain away. Its silly how we can fall so rapidly and just realize this once we have the pills and alcohol at the ready. How did it come to this? “I just want you to get better so you can stop hurting everyone else.” he said. Why did he say it? They sent me somewhere where I was supposed to get better. I said it made me better. In reality they blew my head off. Its terrible thing, lying. What can I do […]
Im sick of fooling myself, giving into others so easily and selling my heart to those who will only spit on it a second later, i feel this incredible hurt but who can i tell? No one wants to even hear from me… all i have is myself and thats a Tragic thing… i have no one to turn to but the mirror in my bathroom.. no one but my own reflection, no one told us it would hurt this bad…
Last time I posted here I went home and swallowed 69 50mg trazedones. Unfortunately I failed again.. How many times will I fail before I get it right.. its killing me to continuously post here about my failures. I spent a week in the gutters they call behavioral institutes and i feel like im getting worse, I feel robotic.. like a mechanical animal.. i hate swallowing diamonds they’re killing my head.. but then thats where the true reality lies isnt it.. in my head.. yesterday i found a beautiful rose, her thorns work beautifully against my skin, thats all i can do.. keep picking “roses” and […]
Im not sure what to write, should there be something to write, or is it that I’m looking for something worthy to be written. I forget that im depressed when i talk to people or when i write, maybe its habit that i hide what i feel and smack a smile onto my face. I havent done anything all summer and i feel alone, my only friends are dull razors and this freak anxiety. I cant sleep. I’m starting to feel numb again. Maybe it’s better that i feel numb, if i decide to feel anything else ill just panic. Well… im done trying to […]
Even so.. a soft kiss from him is like that of a child’s innocence.. why does it feel so forbidden?.. such a thing like a first kiss is like a mark that shows ones rebirth yet ones own self destruction. I am a whore, a greedy one at that. I have stolen such innocence, many in fact. In my eyes the virtue of men has no value, no meaning. No one gave pity or sorry to mine, my own stolen virtue. The only thing that seems to ever matter is that kiss, the first kiss. A kiss that was taken because of my sheer stupidity […]
I saw my therapist today yipfuckingyee… she doesnt understand anything, its so hot and i feel as if everyone is screaming at me, even the little sounds sound like freak explosions, i dont feel suicidal just more attached to pain and mutilation, why do i still plot my inevitable suicide anyways? Ive just become obsessed with the idea of suicide as of late. Nothing can change my mind, besides getting expelled from school, having shit grades, and seeing/ trusting no one, everything seems gross. Masturbation is possibly the only relief i get from this gross thought process. I wish someone would kill me now because […]
It’s been a long while since ive written here… even now I’m unsure of what to write, unsure if anything really needs to be written. I don’t feel like I’m getting better, if anything I feel like im disappearing. My therapist understands nothing, no one does… I feel so alone.. like a monster is clawing at my throat… i just want a way out and away from everyone…. everyone…. everything….
Not sure what to write tonight…
Not sure what to draw tonight
which poses I should do while naked..
I’m a one man pornography crew
my viewers are older men and those who are willing to watch
My body is all I have..
This useless sack of flesh, bone, and blood..
Watch me dance..
Watch me play with my body..
Secretly id love for you to watch me cry..
Watch me bleed
Watch me laugh and scream..
I’m the thief of virtue
I’m the whore of the century
I’m just lost and broken
Lust is all i have
To balance me through the motions
I used to say i was a car that’s unfixable
But now I’m just the letter L
My name is […]
Financially everything has sky rocketed below the ground.. I’m not really sure why I continue to post here.. I don’t even know anyone but.. but what?.. people sometimes ask “Why isn’t life easier?” If life were easier i’m almost positive everyone would want to kill themselves…. Nothing meaningful or inspiring keeps me going on. I just the wanting to be blind and mindless like snobby bitches at school.. The ones who are popular and go to parties, the girls who wear the nice clothes and look pretty… i want to be them so that way I wont be me. I want to be like those […]
Secretly it hurts… it hurts so bad i feel like ill break down… should I be with someone I crush on or had been with and trust… depression or lies… who what… make it all stop, Jason make it all stop i need you… Take me away and with that my memory, oh please it hurts im the marionette of a whore… secretly it hurts and id rather scream than smile.. mommy saw my scars.. bubby is so sad because Im not sure if i want him… the sub yelled at me all day.. give up because you cant be a string player… no no […]
Here I am one year later. Why do I even try to kill myself.. Â Well, recently I haven’t really tried.. I’m bored of waiting to have an opportunity. I’m bored of wanting to die.. Most days are better then others and death seems too…. sigh.. death seems too what? too…. the same. Like everything on this place. Most of you guys want to die.. but what happens next? As long as you’re gone right.. What if there was no heaven or no hell. You’re just stuck in your coffin awake for eternity.. Would you regret.. Would you lose your mind? A month ago I had […]
How long has it been since I’ve heard your name out loud.. How long has it been since I’ve thought of you..? I’ve buried you down deep in my heart so one day when I can finally come to terms with my own suicide I can think of you… How many times have I carved your Initials in my flesh? How many days have past since you lost yourself? I only wish that you were here to guide me through everything… I’m like a child… still doing childish things… wanting to make adult choices… Jason… I miss you so much… Why did you have to […]
It’s easier to hide your pain behind a screen.
It’s easier to type something but then delete it.. no one has to see
your face.. no one has to know you wanted to say something..
Let’s keep it that way..Â
No one has to know about your hate
No one has to know just yet..
just wait.. wait and wait until the right time..
Then snap.
Then kill them.
Singing… we all have to sing.. or cry.. it doesn’t matter because no one hears us.. well they do… no one bothers to even care.. people are so vain right?… I I I… ME ME ME… vain little bastards right… well… so are we.. we post about how shitty we feel…. and act like the norms don’t understand.. because they’re too occupied with other shit but.. sigh.. There’s no point of understanding.. I’M not even sure if this is even sounding right, I’M not even looking back on my words.. well.. because fuck it.. sigh.. WE’RE all feeling like shit.. and all WE want is […]
cant squeeze a tear out..
cant even moan my cries..
there’s nothing to do but blame myself
and..there’s nothing really to say… but can I die?
I’m gonna probably do it again
ill maybe do it deep tonight..
its been what since February?
this isn’t really a poem but..
life is full of rejects who just whine and cry…
I guess I’m done with choosing sides
I just want to be loved by a lover
but instead of love, he shows pain instead..
and blames himself for this ruined relationship..
who’s to blame? obviously we blame ourselves…
falling and falling…
wanting comfort..
but cant seek it in each other…
I find the ending of my pain in pleasure
and I just want to rush […]
my throat hurts.. I’m in journalism thinking things over.. Wondering if i should cut, I almost did last night and I wanted it deep… I wanted it so I couldn’t walk only limp…It’s hard to cry.. my best friend is in Hawaii for ten days leaving me stuck alone. I guess I’ve managed to rope myself in a weird sex slave agreement thing but I don’t know.. just doing things to take my  mind of the buzzing in my head and throbbing in my throat.. too sad to type or think rationally, I just want to break down in front of this screen but I’m […]
Im the worst.. confusing…self centered.. dramatic ***** I know… Im a cheating whore… and a living mistake… the biggest waste of breath on earth.. kill me now please so I wont continue to fuck things up…
My love for another just pushed our friendship off a cliff… and now im back to being alone again… sigh….
It’s been tiring these past few weeks.. I can’t think anymore.. I just slouch and barely talk.. slouch and barely try anymore.. I just want to let out all of this crying but no matter how hard I try I can’t even seem to squeeze out a tear.. I always taste throw up in the back of my throat.. I can feel my veins on my temples from being stressed.. It’s too tiring.. to be human.. I hate being Human… Everyone saw my scars today while I changed and I was confronted by all of my classmates.. confronted and lectured… I’m too tired to do […]
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