Serotonin for the Misfits

Holy crap, I just went through the fastest mood swing I have ever heard of. I went from depressed, to manic, to depressed again. All while feeling suicidal. It has not even been a full twenty-four hours. First depressive phase was like all sad and fun stuff like that. Then it was like I had the best stimulant in the world. I could not stop smiling and planning out a really unlikely way of killing myself. Then the depression came back and I was like. That would never work. How delusional could I be. More than delusional though was the sense of being just better […]

Anyone else notice that there is a delay publish setting? How convenient is that. Very convenient, that is how much. I have a very bold plan that I am setting up. I mean it is bold and daring and probably doomed to fail but still very exciting. I just hope I have the nerve to do it. I use to care about whether or not I would be making a public display of my death or trying to limit how gruesome it is, but really there is no rules in death. Trying to create any for yours just hampers the […]

I wish I could say today was the day that I would commit suicide or at least someday soon. Not because I need others to see it but because it would finally mean that I…I…would not have to deal with the whole span of my life? That I could just focus on time determined by suicide date subtract now. I literally have no faith in my ability to commit suicide. I could probably have a gun and I would still mess it up. The best pills I have access to are caffeine pills -.-. I mean maybe I take 100 then sprint until I get […]

So, anyone have any great epiphanies while I wasn’t looking? No? Okay. I have not had a great epiphany either so I know that feels.

Anyway, I would just like to say how tired I am of sleeping, how tired I am of regretting decisions that involved you. Ha. I can not even say miss you because in no way shape or form did I even come close to knowing you. Anyway, I am just so fucking tired of regrets. I am so tired of thinking about you. So tired of living, so tired of lying, so tired of pretending and […]

Maybe if we limited ourselves to 140 characters, like twitter limits a tweet, when we think about our problems we would be better able to get a handle on exactly what is the most pertinent problem facing us. I for one will consider way to many factors when I try to flesh out my problems.

For example:
“I am too anxious to go to school because I missed school the other day and my teachers will berate me. However, it is not my fault I have insomnia.”

This was actually part of the reason why I first tried to commit suicide. I did not quite understand it […]

Anyone else paranoid on this site about the prospect of police showing up to bring you to the hospital. I swear whenever my parents arent sleeping and keep checking on me at night I think they are just keeping me safe until an ambulance can come and bring me to the hospital. Truly frightens me.

Anyone feel like they missed an opportunity to finally get out of depression and maybe make some kind of life out of your…life? I think I had that chance but I was too depressed and caught up in suicidal planning. Now I am alive and wishing I had considered the fact that I might live. I regret that I got frustrated and ignored people and pushed them out of my life. Most of all though I think its a way of depression to fuel itself. First, it makes me miss an opportunity, then it makes me obsessively regret that missed opportunity. So I get more […]

Things do not move fast enough in the morning times, or night times or any time someone is manic I guess. Not saying I am. Just more acting manic. Mind racing, feel unstoppable. How was I gunna relate this back to depression or suicide…I guess really the fact that this is the only time I am alone is quite dangerous if I were so inclined. In fact all my attempts except one have been in the dead of night. General factors that were present for all of them, a means to an end, alcohol and…time. I guess thats all anyone ever needs…

Through the past year I have learned a lot about depression and a little of mental illnesses in general and since I have nothing better to do for the next…4 hours I will type out what I think I have learned. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Side effects of depression, whether it be major depressive disorder, dythemia- but excluding manic or bipolar depression
-loss of concentration
-weight gain/loss(amazing how you can have the two extremes for one illness…)
-feeling of hopelessness or helplessness
-anhedonia
-apathy
-poor memory(possibly relating to loss of concentration or lack of sleep)
-sleeping too much or not enough(again with the […]

So one night. About 1500 words later and this is my 3rd, 4th post? It feels good I guess to just ramble on without having to worry about people I know judging my saneness. Social media is…frustrating sometimes. It looks like a good place to vent, but you are constrained to acting the persona you put on in front of friends. Which I guess is your decision, but you can not always be honest people. Especially if you are depressed. You often tread a fine line with what you say and what you let people know. In the past I have tried being honest with […]

Just wondering how many people out there are apathetic perfectionists? Oxymoron? Maybe. However, I think it describes what Im going through perfectly, or what I did go through. So in high school, mainly grade 12, I would get in the habit of doing a half assed job on projects, writing assignments and they like, but being disappointed when I didnt achieve a good mark. I got angry at every mistake I made. So this is where the perfectionist comes in. It would make me so full of despair and a sense of futility. Theres also the apathetic part of it though because I did nothing […]

If smoking takes a minute off your life every time you smoke does that apply to suicide? So if you try to kill yourself will you really die minutes before you succeed? If only.

Topic of the…minute…hospital stays. Lots of stories about being in the hospital. Mostly met people just like me. Even was recommended to a group that was for people for more than one suicide attempt. Part of a study on the effectiveness of CBT I believe. Ended up being with two people I knew from my hospital stays. One was my neighbour on the ward and another was another person a few rooms […]

So, since discussing methods is not allowed how bout discussing self destructive tendencies. I personally like to sleep deprive myself by abusing caffeine pills. I smoke tobacco and generally try anything to push my mood into a more depressed state. So first, sleep deprivation. Before I was on medication for my depression my sleep cycle was completely reversed. I would be awake during the night and sleep during the day. However, I was still in school so I often could not sleep during the day which meant no sleep at all for a day. Which I kinda enjoyed except for the fact that my marks […]