sigh

A yellow bracelet
so now you’re “aware”
suicide is always an option

No intelligent creator would make a world, filled with people, so damn lonely.

Every choice you make makes you unique
“You are the universe experiencing itself”
-Carl Sagan
We are a random assortment of protons electrons and neutrons or quarks if you want to go deeper
Of all the different combinations possible a vast and infinite universe is built
In that universe a galaxy completely unique to every other galaxy
In that a solar system, quite different from others a planet
where the particles combine
to make chemicals that send signals to biological organs
made of cells made from the particles
all within these natural machines called humans
that convert food into love and movies and music and […]

Wake up
brush my teeth
don’t forget to floss
mouthwash
rinse and repeat

shower and get dressed
eat a wholesome breakfast
read the morning paper

show up to work
right on time
clock in
work hard (or at least pretend)
clock out

go home for the day
exercise regularly
answer the phone
listen intently
feign interest
make “friends”
have dinner parties
be a normal
functioning member of society
go to bed at a decent time
don’t forget to reset that alarm
tomorrow is another day
another chance to prove you are worthwhile
a normal functioning member of society

The little thought
it grows
a cancer of sorts

Left overwhelmed
the thought still growing
turning into action
leaving me helpless

The choice is mine
but maybe not
it’s the thought
the cancer growing

No room for hope
for a purpose
for love

Left with nothing
just the thought
and the pills

An attempt
then another
and then a couple more
but I’m still here
So I take this silver blade
run it quick down my arm
because maybe, if only
fifth time’s the charm

I thought this would be appreciated here

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a relatively smart person. I’m likeable and decent looking. I’m very good at quite a lot of things. With a little hard work, I could have a “perfect” “successful” life. I have no logical reason to be so suicidal. I know that life can be hard, but I have good support. I have trust issues, but I’ve never been hurt too bad. I’ve had my heart broken, but I got over it. I have anxiety issues but the therapy and meds have it under control. I have a good life. But I just want to die. I […]

Oh this restlessness
And the anxious wait
the nervous anticipation
for something
something big
or anything at all
anything but this emptiness
this soul crushing nothingness
I could just implode
from the hollowness
this soul crushing nothingness

Oh beautiful eternal sleep
Far beyond my reach
An end to all the suffering
Oh beautiful eternal sleep

Oh beautiful eternal sleep
a slowly fading dream
A lesson learned, love undeserved
Yet I still desire
that beautiful eternal sleep

I just need someone who cares. I’m not looking for love, a relationship or even a friendship. I just wish that someone, anyone at all, gave one fucking damn

A drugged out zombie
with the chemicals
coursing through my veins

chemical smiles
and chemical laughs
the fears and pain
all chemical too

It may all be fake
but at least its not real

My coldness scares me sometimes. I’m uncaring and sometimes I don’t care about my lack of empathy. Other humans are like unfeeling robots to me. They are strange, alien, and unfamiliar to me. I cannot comprehend the fact that they can feel. They can love and hurt and be heartbroken. I understand that on a logical level, but I have a hard time believing it or caring. Something is wrong with my brain. I am heartless and completely apathetic.

every little thing is a weapon
my way to salvation
every sharp object; a blade
to cut deep into my veins
every cord easily tied to a noose
so I can dangle freely
as I squeeze out my last breath
every roof or bridge; the perfect height
for my final climb
every pill; a potent poison
when taken in the right dosage
everywhere I look
I see a thousand ways to die
everyday I’m alive
I daydream a thousand little suicides

It’s not supposed to be like this
I don’t know much
but I know for sure
it’s not supposed to be like this
Life may be grand
or maybe not
but one things for sure
it’s not supposed to be like this
The will to live; the fight to survive
God forgot to give me mine
or I had it once
and it just silently left
because it’s definitely not supposed to be like this

I have this song stuck in my head. It reminds me of me sometimes. Sometimes I feel like killing myself just because I’m bored, completely unaffected, apathetic. I feel like one day I’ll just be bored to death; literally.

Anthony walked to his death
Because he thought he’d never feel this way again
If he goes back to the house then things would go from bad to worse
What could he do?
He wants to remember things exactly as he left them on that funny day
And if there is something else beyond, he isn’t scared because
It’s bound to be less boring than today
It’s […]

the tv is on
its always on
but the couches
they’re empty
constantly empty
and I lay in bed
watch the sun rise
and set
I’m still in bed
and the couches
they’re still empty
I walk through the house
my home as its called
walk through my life
the daily motions
stare out the windows
down the streets
they’re all empty
like a ghost in a haunted building
my presence is mere chills down a spine
or a creak of the wooden floors
the lights they turn on at night
and off in the morning
but the couches are still empty
and the tv […]

someone please
crack open my skull
look inside my miserable brain
dig around in there deep
and find all the sadness
all the pain and suffering
and take it all away
rip it out of there
and replace it
fill my little brain back up
with joy and hope
and a will to live
give me the drive to be
and close my skull back
sew me up good as new
but now better than ever
someone please
save this dying soul