trapped in a life
that I don’t wish to live
not afraid of death
just can’t seem to find it
too tired to keep living
too tired to die
feeling so hollow
so empty inside
feels like I’m just barely alive
maybe one day
I’ll cave in and die
Nobody asked me
as I was given life
if I really even wanted it
Nobody cared
about my opinion
on the matter
that affects me the most
They just decided
against my best wishes
that it had to be done
I had to be born
Since nobody asked me
if I cared for a life
I won’t ask anybody
if they care for mine
I get this feeling
that I don’t feel the same way
I can’t smile or cry
or laugh or hurt
in quite the same way
and you say it
try to explain it
and I understand the words
can comprehend the thoughts
but I just don’t entirely
feel the same way
and it’s so lonely
I’m isolated
because I can’t possibly
feel the same way
and this feeling
of not quite feeling
I can’t describe it
it’s not so empty
but kind of empty
I feel defeated
at a loss for words
to make anyone at all
feel the same way
barely alive
drifting through time
world is overflowing with people
yet I feel so entirely alone
hear the wind howling
passing through my hair
wish it could blow me away
and make me disappear
Looking at my scars
needing to make more
pick up the knife
let the comforting blade
caress my eager wrists
but still no blood
the blades gone dull
or my skin’s too thick
so I scrape the knife
back and forth
till my skin is raw
but still no blood
ripping and slicing
digging and crying
carving so deep to find it
but still no blood
tension building
so close I can almost see it
imagine the blood
crawling down my arm
taking with it all the pain
so I pierce away at the flesh
but still no blood
nothings working
lungs collapse
my hearts dejected
tears of frustration
I just did it
lifted some of the burden
got rid of some of the pressure
you told me that
once I do it
I should breathe
a great big sigh of relief
and so I did it
but I don’t feel it
it was supposed to make it better
but somehow I just don’t feel it
instead I feel worse
like I messed up
messed up worse than before
messed up beyond fixing
and now its done
so now I’m filled
with the shame
and the guilt
and the pain
and still that pressure
lurking somewhere in my brain
and all these things
they […]
It hits me
like a wave
crushing my lungs
and my will to be
until I’m left gasping
and faltering
and fidgeting
or anything
just to breathe
Trying not to drown
not let it overcome
and overwhelm
or anything at all
Then I find it
because I know
that I truly need it
it’s my life jacket
when that wave engulfs me
And finally I can breathe
my sigh of relief
when I make myself bleed
Hey everybody, I just wanted to let someone know, anyone at all, who cares. I feel content today. I don’t what it is, maybe the meds finally decided to work, or the fresh air that filled my lungs this morning, i don’t really know. But today is a good day, maybe it will last maybe it won’t. Nothing about my life is particularly different today, it’s still the same old shit and I still feel that life is thoroughly pointless, but for some reason today I accept that for what it is and just don’t care. Today I am okay with being alive
I can’t breathe
my heart is too heavy
it’s weighing down my lungs
and I can’t breathe
I can’t feel
my skin is so numb
from all the scars that I made
so I can’t feel
I can’t cry
my eyes have grown tired
from the terrible sights
now I can’t cry
I can’t die
I lay here broken
and frozen in time
so I can’t die
but I will die
if it takes all my might
someday I will die
In the rain I don’t feel so alone
because when it rains
I feel like the whole world is crying with me
in the rain I feel so real
because when it rains
I can cry to my heart’s content
shed my tears out in the open
and I don’t have to pretend
that my tears aren’t there
my misery can be revealed
in the rain
So I quit my job today
I got tired of being yelled at
by the lazy bitches
who just stand around
and talk the entire time
Oh it’s okay
Did you find another one?
Let me just go and do that
Everything is fine
It’s not like I need a break
Or I’m to my breaking point
And i can’t hold on anymore
Everything is under control
and I don’t need any help
I can handle it all by myself
and I don’t need to talk
because there is nothing to talk about
I’m only dying
but thats okay
it will pass by morning time
I made it through the weekend. I could not have predicted that two weeks ago. I’m still here. Can’t that be enough?!
Once upon a time
a girl I called me
lived a life
that could hardly be called that
and i live this so called life
with the pressure building up inside
all the hurt and the want
all the needs and the guilt
threatening to burst out
the pressure keeps rising
almost too much to bare
and then one day
I will erupt and be dead
and that will be my
happily ever after
and she was oddly alright with it. She told me she wasn’t going to freak out…i didn’t expect her to. I just wanted her to help me make it stop. But instead she said that if I don’t plan on killing myself and if it makes me really feel better then for the time being I could use it. But the thing is I don’t know if I will kill myself. When I cut it’s like I’m possessed and I’m scared that I might really hurt myself in the process. I don’t know, I kinda feel betrayed by her for not helping me.
I’ve found it
I found the one thing
the thing that’s only for me
It’s the one thing that I do for myself
without worrying about everyone else
about what they want
or what they need
and how they feel
I don’t have to show it off
I don’t need their encouragement
or their criticism
or even their approval
It’s the one thing I can do
and I don’t need any instructions
the one thing I am good at
Because no one can make me bleed
in quite the same way that I can
remember when we used to argue
and fight all the time
remember when I would say you don’t love me
the same way that you love them
remember when I complained
about all the burdens place on my shoulders
remember when all of that changed
and I became what you wanted me to be
we stopped all the fighting and arguing
and lived together so peacefully
I used to think it was you that had changed
I just assumed you became more accepting
but I realized that I had just given up
i just gave in and did what pleased you
so now I am living this life
So here I am
on the brink of insanity
in this hole that I dug for myself
And everyone on the outside
they see me in here
maybe they want to help me out
but they don’t even know what they’re looking at
And as they mutter
the obligatory words of encouragement
I just dig deeper into my hole
So much deeper
that I cannot see where it began
and hopefully one day I’ll just disappear
You told me it will get better
but its not getting better
you tell me to just try harder
but that’s all I’ve been doing my whole life
trying and trying and trying
but I’ve messed up so bad now
and you want me to fix it all at once
you tell me to work through the pain
work through the hurt
work through the tears
and work through the unwanted thoughts
You tell me that I can trust you
and that I don’t have to pretend with you
the way I pretend with everybody else
But you put the same pressure on me
the […]
I got a part in this play called life
I never even auditioned
No one asked me if I wanted the role
but its mine to make of it what I will
I just smile when they tell me to
speak the words I quietly rehearsed in my mind
laugh at the jokes that are made
and pause at the appropriate time
And as I stand here on the stage
looking out at the blank faces in the audience
I repeatedly pray for the curtain to fall
So I can be done with this wretched play called life
I play the violin
the blade as my bow
my wrists hold the strings
I glide the bow back and forth
and make a melody that only I can hear
sometimes its slow and soft
a soothing lullaby
sometimes a shrill and piercing howl
a lament resembling my soul
and its echo persists like the last of my fading scars