I needed somewhere to write for a couple minutes.
Just feelings. Unconnected ramblings that swim in my head every time I feel like I am not strong enough.
You’re welcome to read, or gloss over me. That’s fine.
What do i do when i think something is in the past
and that i am no longer affected by it
because its just a distant memory, right?
But then… and then something happens
and something inconsequential to everyone but myself
and it’s like
suddenly it matters again
suddenly it seems like just yesterday was when my heart broke
because suddenly it’s breaking all over again
there’s a reason why it is in your memory to begin with.
it means you still care.
all those things came back didnt it?
just by seeing her
good and bad?
do I still have feelings for her?
is that what this is about?
I don’t know
i didn’t think i did
but i saw her
and she looked so happy
and it was like
my heart broke all over again
and i can’t get up out of the corner of my room
i don’t want to move
i wanted to make her happy.
she is happy
even if she wanted me
Im not going to be the reason
that she stops being happy
because i want her to be happy
she deserves better
i am not strong enough
Because i cannot stop loving her.
Because we fought, a lot.
And if we’d been together forever, well then we’d probably have fought forever.
But maybe her forever was all that i needed.
And I am tired of wanting so much less than what i need.
I try so hard
every day to be a little bit better
but every day it just gets worse
and i spiral even further down the rabbit hole of depression
and every time it feels like rock bottom
but it’s not because i know that tomorrow i will find new lows
and it’s scary to know that i can feel worse than this
because i reached my wits end years ago7
I see no future
I can barely see a tomorrow
I know you can’t promise things won’t be broken. But you did promise you would never leave.