First post in a while.
I have tagged this with the words “I will survive” somewhat ironically. ‘Cause I won’t.
I am depressed every spare second of the day. I can only fake a smile, and now my friends have started seeing it’s fake. One even stated that my eyes got sadder when I smiled.
But, every single spare second I get, suicidal or self-loathing thoughts come into my mind. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate this reality and I spend so long wanting to leave.
And…sooner or later I will. People can tell me to keep my chin up, to surround myself with loved ones. But the theory isn’t enough. I can’t keep my chin up, and my loved ones don’t help.
I express pain through self-harming. But I steer clear of my wrists and other places where track marks are noticeable. The last thing I want is to hear the same old bullshit from people who see scars.
It’s not if i’ll kill myself. It is when. Life isn’t worth living and to be brutally honest, I am not living. I am in a hollow coffin already, it just happens to be made of flesh and be above ground.
Some day, Maybe soon or maybe a while away. I’ll find the strength to die.
4 comments
I understand completley. I feel like im already dead, slowly rotting from the inside out. “It gets better,” and “Do things that make you happy,” are the the ones that set me off the most. I don’t remember it ever being good so i don’t see it getting “better” and if i found anything that did make me happy you better believe i would do it until my eyes and fingers bleed. I’ve pretty much reached the same conclusion you have. Its not a matter of if but when i’ll kill myself.
Do things that are fun to you
I am not surprised i’m not alone. It was easy enough for me too feel this way, i imagine there are many others.
However, it doesn’t stop me hoping that you do find something that makes you happy. Even if it is a futile hope, and a hollow sentiment.
Hey Man don’t know your current status but as read this I can relate totally in fact I get maybe 5 min of peace . The rest of the day is filled with terrible thoughts of self mutilation. People have no idea how hard it is to face everyday when your light has burned out. I just wish you the best. I won’t say I wish you life because that is your decision no one else’s. But I will say I wish you peace