I relapsed with self harm and over medicating a week or so ago. Before this, I had been chatting with a guy who I met at my gym. We’ve been talking for quite a while and we get along pretty well. We used to have feelings for eachother but he went into the marines and we decided that it would be best to just remain friends. He’s been out for a year or so and we’ve been talking again. Those feelings I had for him are still there, albeit a bit faded, but I since I relapsed recently, I don’t really want to start a […]
My best friend, K, tried to kill herself again tonight. Two of my best friends are dead, and another one is almost dead. I think that’s the only reason I’m still here. Her. I honestly think that she’s the last person I love on this earth. I mean, can I really say I love my fosters? I don’t think I can. Most of my family is on the other side of the world, an ocean away. Therapy makes me hate myself and all the others in my group even more It makes me into a different person, someone I want to strangle.
Well, at least K […]
I’m forgetting him. I don’t remember what he sounded like without listening to a video. I have a faint memory of it, but it’s fleeting. I honestly think I’m going to forget him completely. I can’t do that. I mss him and I can’t stand the fact that I’m never going to see him again. I’ll never see that cute little crinkle in his nose or his weirdly thick eyelashes. His fucking blonde hair and his stupid fucking face. I wish I could feel something. I can’t tell if I’m mad at him or if I’m sad or if im just fuckedd up. He left […]
Fuck. Shitshitshit,
i relapsed again.
i can’t hear “YOU have to make things better” or “don’t expect everything to be handed to you on a silver plate” because fuck you. I know that.
I think I’m gonna try again tonight. Who knows? Maybe it’ll work?
I’m so tired. I just miss my best friends. This entire thing is bullshit. I’m just so tired, and I can’t keep doing this. I can’t ‘hang on’ because it ‘gets better’. I’ve been waiting so long for it to get better. I can’t wait anymore, I’m just too tired.
I wish that when people made promises, that they’d keep them. I didn’t know it was truly that hard. I’m not niave, but I still trust people I really shouldn’t. You know that one person in your life who, no matter how mayny times they break a promise, you’ll still believe them?
Maybe you don’t, but I have a few.
Just keep your goddamned promises.
I want the truth. I know that I’m really unhealthy. My stomach is acting up and so are my lungs. I’m not in the hospital, but I’ve been to the doctor’s office a few times. My adoptive mum says I’m slowly getting better.
I’m not though. I know it. I can tell when she’s lying. She’ll look anywhere but your face, twiddle her thumbs, and over explain. Check, Check, Check.
The truth is, I know I’m probably going to die. Wow, it’s weird saying that, but I am. If I don’t shape up and get over this stuff, I’ll won’t recover. It’s not easy. I haven’t really […]
My mom and dad were teenagers, and a simple, “Wait, let me get a condom,” could have stopped me from being born. That would’ve saved the DSS a whole lot of trouble.
Cancer is a *****. It ruins every fucking thing there is in life. When you hear that someone you care about has cancer, you loose it. I fucking broke a coffee table and punched a window. A FUCKING WINDOW. And then, after your friends family spends basically all their money on treatment, cancer keeps living. Why? Why the fuck does this happen?
I’ve fucking lost it, I’m so goddamn incapable of doing anything right now. I don’t know whether I should just kill myself or just run away again. I can’t stand the looks I get and all the motherfucking people. I’m just done. I can’t […]
Earlier this week, I was confronted by my boyfriend. He;s one of the only people that’s truly nice to me. Yeah, he doesn’t know my whole story, but he knows I’ve been through a lot.
So anyways, we were hanging out, and he put his arm around my waist. As usual, I shied away a little bit, before forcing  myself to stay there. I just don’t deal well with human contact. Even though I know he’d never hurt me, I just don’t deal well with it.
So, I guess he noticed how I moved a little so he decided to ask me about it. He asked why […]
Tonight, I just sat on my porch, drinking. I’m not hammered or drunk. I drank a beer or two. I stayed out there for an hour with my friend, and we just talked. We discussed my moving situation. I’m in my home town right now, visiting and figuring out whether I want to stay in St. Louis or move back here. She helped me decide that I’d stay in St. Louis until winter holiday, and then I’ll move back out here. I’m glad I finally made my decision.
She left at about nine, and I sat out by myself for another few hours. I just thought […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. I was getting better, but it all just got ruined. I’m not sure that I want to move back home now. There won’t really be anyone waiting for me there. I’m just so confused. I don’t want to cry anymore and I don’t want to feel so inferior. I know, someone can only make you feel inferior if you let them. That’s easier said than done though. I just wish I could end it all, but every. single. fucking. attempt. Has failed.
I just can’t stand this anymore. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t very […]
WHAT THE FUCK ONE DIRECTION FANGIRLS? WHAT THE FUCK?
Cut for Zerrie? Really? Have you gone mad? He is getting married to someone he loves. He is HAPPY.
And it insults me that you DARE call yourselves cutters. You have NOTHING to cry over. Sorry to burst your bubble, but YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE WITH HIM BEFORE.
I’m insulted to be quite honest. I cut because I actually have problems. YOU don’t. It pisses me off.
Justin Bieber smoked pot, you cut.
Zayn Malik wins the girl, you cut.
Mitch Lucker DIES, I stay sane, and you still call me an emo dyke who’s pathetic.
Fuck you. Just FUCK YOU ALL.
Don’t […]
Don’t knock at my door,
There’s no one home,
Don’t come to my window,
I’m not there all alone,
Don’t look through the house,
I’m not there anymore,
I’m not the same,
Not like before,
Don’t go to the creek,
I don’t get to go near,
Don’t shout up the hill,
Because I’m not going to hear,
Don’t look in the bookshop,
I’ve quit reading books,
The endings were too horrible,
For me to even look,
For the last time quit searching,
You’ll never find me,
I’m holed up in the hospital,
The only place I can be.
Sorry, it;s kind of long
You’re up in the nest,
And though you’re sick,
You’re the first bird,
I’d ever pick,
You’re the only one that believes,
That I can change,
Become what I can’t see,
You’re the ugly duckling,
But so am I,
And in the future,
Together we’ll fly,
You’re still very sick,
but I will make it all better,
And we’ll stay forever,
Two birds of a feather,
For you I will,
For you I would,
For you I’ll heal you in anyway that I could.
My small little bird,
Why don’t you fly?
You sit here all day to wallow and cry,
Just let it all go,
I’ll take the heat,
I will be here,
I won’t miss a beat,
And if you leave me right now,
You […]
Is it a society full of fuck ups,
Or a society full of hate,
A society full of villains,
Or a society with no faith,
I don’t know what they want me to do,
They see me as a delinquent,
But that’s what my record tells you,
I’ve grown since then,
You can just look at my health,
And easily see,
that I’m not my old self,
I may be still broken,
But I’ve gotten some will,
To stand up and say,
That what I’ve done takes skill,
Damn right I’m strange,
But who isn’t in this place,
They say I can change,
But it’s too late to save face,
I don’t care much either what you think of me,
If you really think my […]
I just wanted to ask a question. This isn’t to pick a fight, I just want to know.
What is so bad about being gay. I hear a lot that it’s unnatural and against some people’s religion, but why else?
Can you answer me that? I would genuinely like to know why you think that.
I know everyone is different. I get that. I get that some people find some things offensive, while others don’t.
But for god’s sake, don’t go around calling people dykes.
I was at a group therapy thing, and this guy comes up to me and goes “Hey, you’re that dyke right?”
What. The. Fuck.
And he’s done it to like two other people in our group!
Some people don’t find that offensive, but I do. It’s just fucking stupid to say that without knowing the person. To many people I know, that’s derogatory.
Oh, and to clarify, I’m bisexual.
Fuck you.
The reason I find it so bad, is that all my life, […]
I just wanna rant about nothing for a bit.
I think the worst part of me is my anger. I don’t like feeling sad, and I’m just not comfortable with it. I still feel depressed, but I never express my sadness unless I’m behind closed doors. Even then I don’t like crying. I feel like it damages my masculinity….even though I’m a girl… but that’s not the point.
Instead of showing sadness, I show one of the only emotions I am comfortable with; anger. I’ll punch walls, throw books (which usually only happens when it has a bad ending), and and kick things. I’ve even broken a […]
On the lighter note of my life, I think I may have found some sort of purpose, or at least something to get my mind off my problems. It fills my time up.
Writing.
I’ve been writing for a while now, and I think I’m pretty good at it. I’ve posted some stories on Wattpad, and while they’re not very popular, they’re getting there. I try to write kind of up beat stories, but most just end up sad. It’s great therapy in my opinion. Instead of focusing on how much my life sucks, or how much I need a drug, I’m writing.
So far, after a slip […]
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