life has been really hard on me these past few days years. i kinda want to go to the library in town, check out a g i a n t stack of books, and just read somewhere quiet and out of the way. there are some books i want to read i haven’t read before, and a couple old favorites i want to read again. i’d have to walk there, and it’s kinda chilly outside, but i should be fine with a jacket. letting it warm up a few more degrees, and then i might. these probably are going to be my final […]
i’m so done with life. i have been for a very long time now. thing is i don’t have the guts to do myself in. i wish i did, then my suffering would have been over a very long time ago. i’ve had people, family who were supposed to love me, tell me that they hate me and hope i die. well good for them. i’ve ceased to matter to anyone and i don’t care anymore. i want to be out of here, not because they want me to be, but because i want to be. fuck all the rest. if only i had the […]
today i’m writing out the pros and cons of my chosen method. cons outweigh the pros by far, but i’m not sure that’s going to be enough to stop me.
a while ago, i read an article that says extreme prolonged loneliness is just as bad as obesity as far as lowering life expectancy. i think, good. i am both extremely lonely and obese. i hope it doubles my chance of dying early. sometimes i get little chest pains. i’m only 18. but when it happens, i think about how it would feel to have a heart attack. that’s how i’ll probably go, if i don’t do it first; my obesity + the stress of loneliness/depression/everything else will finally come crashing down onto me, like lightning, and i’ll be gone.
the only thing that’s been keeping me here so far is my family, and the chance that they would really go through a lot of pain and grief if i died. but lately i find that living for other people is not enough anymore. i’m barely hanging on as it is. each days gets more and more hopeless. more and more i just want to end it, and sometimes i doubt the people in my life would really mourn me all that much anyway.
today was a warm and beautiful day, and i wasted all of it inside. i want to die. they say these feelings are temporary. but they don’t know my feelings… i mean, sure, it goes away for a little while, but it always comes right back. like now. been crying off and on whenever i think of certain things, and so i try to distract myself to keep from thinking too much, but there’s nothing to distract me. it’s always at the front of my mind. i can see why some people would turn to drugs… i need to feel something, anything, other than this […]
my head hurts. i’m very depressed. i feel that fog descending on me again…
it’s 7:07 pm and i want out of this life. i want to be gone. i know it’s probably wrong of me to feel this way… i must be pretty selfish to even consider it. many people would tell me so… i mean, what about my family, right?? especially my mom… she would be wrecked if i did this to her… i am her ‘rock’, her only support. but, at the same time, i cannot help it. i feel this pull, this urge to go… i want so badly to go… […]
into the flood again…
same old trip it was back then…
i’m in a lot of emotional pain today. the loneliness is what hurts the most. at the risk of sounding ‘whiny’, i feel completely alone. i have no friends. i am not close with anyone in my family anymore. i live with my parents, but i’m even isolated from them, not like they want a closer relationship with me anyway – they’re perfectly glad to keep interactions at shallow surface-level.
all day, every day, i stay in my room with my cat. i have to be on the internet all the time to have even some semblance of connection with the outside world. i hate being […]
anyone else ever get that mental fog… where you feel so out of it almost, but not in a good way? and you kinda feel like nothing is real, that everything going on is not really happening? -and you’re not all there?… i feel that way right now, and it’s messing me up. i wonder if anyone here can tell me what i suffer from, so i can have a name for it. because it bothers me not to know…
i feel so lowly and depressed. and dammit, i told myself i wouldn’t cry today…
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