Author

stellaeric

What even

by stellaeric 5/21/2016

written by stellaeric

So about six weeks ago, I took an overdose. Clearly, it didn’t kill me, lol. Since then I’ve been overwhelmed with people trying to help. Counselling, reviews, going through my post.

I had an assessment yesterday. I guess breaking someone down into tiny little pieces is a good way of hammering it home that they’re not really in a good place. Ha. No, I’m sure that man was only trying to do his job, the only way he knows how, and I guess it’s whoever taught him that’s to blame.

He wanted to know if I would like to see the self-harm team. No. I think I […]

5/21/2016 2 comments

Battle wounds

by stellaeric 10/31/2013

written by stellaeric

I saw a couple of posts about scars and just want to give a huge shoutout to the people here who cut or maybe used to and are feeling insecure about what it left behind.

I want to start by explaining that I think of life as war on a microscopic scale. It’s rude and dirty and you do what you have to – and you know what? Some of those things are going to leave marks.

The point being: I don’t understand how anyone could see scars, self-inflicted or otherwise, as ugly.

They are not ugly. They tell your story. Maybe they’re there because you did something […]

10/31/2013 4 comments

Not enough.

by stellaeric 9/25/2013

written by stellaeric

So, haven’t been here in a while. Partly because I felt I should try and maintain some sort of emotional distance; SP reminds me a lot of a mental landscape I know very well, but like to pretend doesn’t exist.

It might have been working. I never know until things fall down around my head.

It’s not even (not ever) anything big. Just grade averages and rankings and the stress of not knowing, because I need that scholarship but that’s not even the reason. It’s just because I care, I give everything in this course a hundred and twenty per cent and come up worse than people […]

9/25/2013 1 comment

I don’t understand. Just what about this upsets people?

by stellaeric 8/21/2013

written by stellaeric

Been experiencing a fair amount of angst wrt this recently. It’s been seven years since I started, two since I “stopped”, and to be honest I still slip up now and then. I’ve been experiencing the urges. I’m back at my parents’ house for the summer, and though I’ve been mostly recovered for two years there’s still a dearth of sharp objects in the house. I used to compulsively hoard spare blades whenever I felt the urge to cut (in lieu of actually doing it). I literally bought in bulk, stashed paper cutters in every nook and cranny I could think of because they kept […]

8/21/2013 3 comments

Bartleby.

by stellaeric 6/21/2013

written by stellaeric

I opt out. As far as it is possible to opt out without ceasing to exist.

I prefer not to believe in truth, in knowledge, ethics. These things stand as provisional constructs in my mind; scaffolds on which I build the arguments I profess and the rest of my life. Belief in these things has utility; very well, I will profess a belief and use it. Having decided to do this at all, I will use everything at my disposal to achieve an outcome some might consider happy.

I would prefer not to believe that people care about me. It makes the inevitable departure easier. […]

6/21/2013 0 comment

What I Wish I’d Known Five Years Ago – Finn Butler

by stellaeric 6/9/2013

written by stellaeric

What I Wish I’d Known Five Years Ago – Finn Butler

â€œ

I know the heart is a heavy thing
and if today you managed to lift it
a few inches off the ground,
I am proud.

You need to understand that there are no turning points.
Your life is not a movie and your fears will not disappear
as soon as someone loves you back. There are only moments
when the glimmer of light you are chasing seems closer
than the darkness that is always chasing you but in these moments
every single thing has been worth it.

And I know sometimes you only want it […]

6/9/2013 0 comment

by stellaeric 5/8/2013

written by stellaeric

Today, I explained my non-intervention policy to one of the people I tentatively (for lack of a better term) call a friend. (Being more concerned with what they perceive as my interests than the interests themselves, I don’t think they can be termed “allies” precisely. So I use the word “friend” rather loosely, although I suppose it would be more accurate to say “one of those people I hang about constantly whom I happen to know”.) I interfere (interact, I suppose) with people as little as possible and would appreciate if they showed the same consideration to me.

She confronted me with the question: What if […]

5/8/2013 2 comments