I just… hate this world. I’ve been trying to see the bright side of life or whatever, but its harder and harder every day. I just got off the phone with my dad and he actually made me cry because of the stress he made me feel. I don’t cry, almost ever.
Tomorrow (or, you know, later today) is my first day of my 2nd semester as an architectural technology student at my community college. I’m excited. I think this might give me a sense of worth, because right now, I’ve kind of hit a wall in terms of liking myself. Well, here’s to getting good grades and having something productive to do. Their night classes too. But today and tomorrow are the days that I need to be there. Thursday’s classes are all online.
I don’t want to get all cliche and ask what’s the meaning of life, but I just did, so that’s that.
The average human lives around 70 years. In my close family that average is around 97.
I
DO
NOT
WANT
TO
LIVE
THAT
LONG.
What the F is the point of all of this. When we’re dead, we’re dead. If the meaning is to reproduce and populate the planet with the next generation, I’m not part of that. No one would EVER EVER EVER be attracted to me in any way. It’s called natural selection. The strongest and the prettiest, generally, are the ones that pass their genes on. If I had a kid, […]
at everything. At life. At my job. At relationships. At success. At life. At life. At life.
I see a glimmer of hope today. Today. I don’t know yet about tomorrow. But I don’t like hope because it’s different. I don’t like different. I’ve lived for X amount of years with no hope for the future. And now I have a sliver, a glimmer. It’s kind of like torture to have it and look back at all the days, months, and years I didn’t have it. Does this make any sense?
I was supposed to die today. I wanted to die today because there was a lot of symmetry connected to June 4th for me. But, that’s not going to happen. I want to live another day. I want to see if I’m strong enough to live another day.
Fuck it. It’s equally as torturous as depression. Fuck. I got a job from a staffing company out of the blue today saying I can start tomorrow. Its a packing job from 7:30-4:30. I am SO nerv0us. I just want to bang my head against the wall until the insecure whispers stop.
Everything depends on money. I’m broke. I have $52.32 in my account. My meeting with my friend and his sons has been pushed to next Monday, and I have to make it this week, and however long after that when I start my job, and however long after that when I get paid. If money or the concept of money didn’t exist, I would have close to 75% of my anxiety erased. I worry about money all the time. I’m still a tiny little kid inside worrying about what we were going to do for food. It was my older sister, my mom, and I […]
What have I got myself into. I’m supposed to “babysit” a 13 year old and 11 year old boy this summer. 8 hours, 3 days a week. 24 hours/week. I’m supposed to “keep them busy” and do some chores. What the hell am I supposed to do to keep 2 teenage boys occupied? I’m meeting them tomorrow, and their dad (my friend), at Culvers! Only part I’m excited about is Culvers. MMM… Anyway, what did you boys like to do when you were 11 and 13?
I hate when people say “killing yourself is selfish” like it’s a bad thing. Who are you to tell me what to do with my body and my life? Yes, I agree killing yourself is “selfish”, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Every suicide, in my opinion, is a self mercy killing. If you’ve had cancer for X amount of years and it causes you daily pain, your loved ones would accept that you don’t want to live in that pain anymore. They would come to support you in your decision to end your life MUCH sooner than when it’s a suicide, caused […]
I’m going to die in the next 7 months by my own hand. I don’t know when that will be. Right at this very moment, I want to die. But, I’m not ready. Does that make any sense? I have to become totally calm and collected about it when I do it. Right now, I just feel pain. It can’t be like that. I have to think it through and MAKE SURE I want to do it that certain day at that certain hour. My plan, at least the one in my mind right now (it can always change), is to live the next 24 […]
It’s seems almost every second now of every day is filled with the feeling of paranoia. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m up to, because I’m determined to finish it. I feel like my dad created a fake account on here and is gathering evidence that he can use against me or to commit me to a hospital. WHY do I feel this way?
just… tired. Tired of abusive family. Tired of people that pretend to understand when they clearly don’t. Tired of societal expectations. Tired of having some hope left. Tired of constant pain and torment. Tired of constant suicidal thoughts. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of waiting for a break. Tired of waiting for someone to notice me and want to spend time with me. Tired of being the invisible one. Tired of being the one everyone looks down on, because I’m never “good enough”. Tired of being the one everyone tramples and gets left behind trying to pick myself up, and then get trampled again when […]
Maybe. I want to go the same day as my Grandpa because he was my favorite person in the world and this year it’ll be 9 years on June 4th. I thought it would be cool because we’d have a day to be remembered together! I know this sounds crazy. I also want it to be that day because June 4th was my parents wedding anniversary. Then June 4th (this is going to sound sooooo harsh) will be a day my dad remembers for not only failing as a husband, but as a father as well.
I go up north to visit my dad and stepmom for 4 days. God knows if I can make it that long. Dads a drunk and shes abusive. Why am I going? God knows the answer to that, too. Maybe its because it would be way worse if I tried to avoid seeing them. They would go into that “you hate us” shit. Also, she’s ALWAYS right. She never says or does ONE THING WRONG. Nothing. I’m the liar. I’m the mean one.
I have a psychiatry appointment in about 50 minutes. I hate psychiatrist’s. They get hundreds of dollars for saying, “yeah, I’m going to put your prescription up 50 mg”. I don’t get it. Plus, if you try to talk or whatever, which I don’t do to her, they just “ok, how does that make you feel?” *****, can’t you come up with SOMETHING else? Like “One thing you can do to make this better…” ANYTHING.
As of half an hour ago, I finished my first semester back at college (community college). Last semester, I was suicidal the whole time, just like I am now, but I didn’t care if my parents knew that I was depressed. I just wanted to die. This time, my strategy was and is to not give them enough evidence to think that I’m suicidal so I will have a head-start when I choose to go. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to risk them knowing about how bad I am, therefor they would try to help me. This way, they […]
When did your problems in life begin? Was there a broken home? For me, problems started when I was 7. Parents divorced. EVIL girlfriend of my dad. Terrible physical living conditions. Verbal abuse from her. At the same time, bullying at school. Dad slowly but surely became an alcoholic. In 10th grade, one of my life’s joys was taken from me. I was rendered unable to play the rest of the season (nor ever again) because of a knee injury. I only experienced one FULL season as a high school soccer teammate. That was hard. Partly because of depression (partly caused by the soccer situation), […]
Tired of waiting to live. Tired of waiting to die. Tired of waiting for me to be so fed up with life that I just give up completely. Tired of trying to make my dad happy and proud of me when I know he never will. Tired of having suicidal thoughts everyday. Tired of people saying “Get over it”, “We’ve all been through it, you can beat this”, my dad saying “you just have to beat your demons and they’ll be gone forever” when they have NO idea what is going on inside me. I HATE that my dad makes me terrified every second of […]
I’m not here to force my religion down your throat. This poem is simply what I’m feeling. I thought that most of you can at least relate to the first two stanzas.
Endless pain
No peace
Simply wishing for
Life to cease
Despair and
Darkness
Wishing for
Stillness
Peace is not
Earthly
It is other
Worldly
I wish to travel
To that place
Where I will finally
Feel grace
My final destination
Is determined
Jesus is my Lord
And I am his servant
My time here is
Coming to an end
And soon to heaven
I will ascend
Newer Posts