sunbird

As I am nearing the end,I’m finally in the mood to write my story,top to bottom,down.I’m sure it will be long,and i don’t really expect anyone to read it,but I’m grateful for the place to express every last feeling without being told “Stop talking like that,” or being ordered to take meds/go to therapy/etc.

I am in my early thirties,and would rather not see another birthday. My life is very empty,probably because of ways that I have screwed up,probably because I am just a bad person and I dont deserve any better.

  I started this life as an accident,an unwanted child.My mother actually sought to abort […]

I have set a goal date for my exit-I dont want to share it at this time-but its the anniversary of something meaningful only to me. I would like to try to hang on for that date,but as life looks bleaker,may not be able to.

The other day i was thinking about my decision,and all of the sudden, I felt this sense of calm-almost euphoria-come over me. Its like someone was saying,”It’s OK. You dont have to be here anymore.”

(No,I wasn’t hearing REAL voices-not schitzophrenic:)

But has anyone else felt this way?? I try to envision the future,alive,but each day brings more and more pain,rejection,and ridicule.It makes […]

I tried to vent to my boss/friend,she just chewed me out too. Apparently everything I do is wrong and I’m such an awful human being. I’m so close to the end, I just have to get to the end of my mothers visit. But I’m at the point where every single moment is physically painful,ten times more when on around another person who obviously hates me. How do I survive until I die?

Different topic,but I’m typing on a Droid,so…. what does everyone think is on the other side? And if it is hell,then do you think its really any […]

I cant get into everything now,but had ugly confrontation with my mother and boyfriend “confronting” me on how awful I am-basically he’s trying to weasel away from me and they both say I dont deserve love,marriage,or children..mother even said I dont deserve my dog b/c she isn’t fixed or groomed…dont have endless pots of $$$,esp. after she(mother) comes to visit and Im spending $$$ driving her all over the area and buying food,etc. Yet it baffles them why I am suicidal………..

Anyway,I know I keep meaning to post my whole story,more for me than anyone,but cant tonight…now hav to work a ten hr day in 8 […]

Yes,another post.

I’m just curious what kinds of stories are out there. I’ve come across some bad ones,but anyone interested in telling your worst therapist stories?

I’ll start ….

My current therapist is so lame,she just nods her head and provides no feedback. She is late 25% of the time,spends at least 75% of our sessions trying to get me to read self help books or sign release forms so that she can “gather information” from other people in my life,as opposed to talking to ME.

But the best part….she cashes my co-pay checks within the HOUR that I leave. It took her 4 weeks to “research” a support […]

I cant get into my entire story now…besides,lets be honest,how many people really care that much about other’s problems? (except the fake do-gooders who want to save your soul…LOL…no disrespect,but lets call a spade a spade).

For tonight,I wanted to pose a question…how many people are in the limbo land of knowing that death is the only option,having a plan/idea, but mustering up courage to set a time and do it?

For those who are just about to make their moves,what was the final push that let you know that your dwindling time was just about gone?

And for those still in that murky area like me (for […]

So,I could blather on here about my depression (2+ yrs) my empty,pathethic,useless life,and listen to people patronizing me and feeding me lines like “take a walk and be at one with nature” or “reach out and talk to someone” etc etc etc. Im not here to get into that bull. People are reading this because they are depressed and absorbed in theor own stories, or other people want to feel pious and try to “save a life. So lets just skip over that crap and let me say what I want to say.

Here is my rationale about suicide,in general. Some may agree,some not,but its based […]