sweetmorhea

I have worked so hard to break away from all the bad, I’ve picked myself up from almost homelessness, and now rent a beautiful home, and have several amazing career jobs – all at 20 years old. I have what I wanted.

And yet, I still feel so blah. so lost in a way.. Like everything I am doing is for nothing.

How do i get my heart to agree with my brain.

I’m reminded everyday that I don’t matter anyway…

I’ve wanted to die for awhile but i’ve always been afraid of suicide. The thought of what i’d leave behind… I always worried about other people… what they would think, if they would blame themselves, and if I would in turn ruin their lives. I thought of it as selfish, but that didn’t stop the undying want i had to give up, to surrender.

But today, in the hour and a half i spent crying over all my problems and all my feelings, i decided im not afraid. I’m exhausted, worn out, tired… call it what you will but i’m just done… my sorrow has […]

Sitting down to get help for the first time was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do.

Before that day, no one had a clue that the only thing i wanted to do when i went to bed at night was not wake up in the morning.

And even with all of that, you know what really hurt me the most. Is when my new counselor diagnosed me with Dysthymia and Double Depression. She showed me a so much information on it but the only thing i walked out of there thinking about was this one sentence. “Dysthymia in adolescents can ultimately define their personality” I lost […]

I find it incredibly hard to “heal myself” when everyday has a new problem to add.

Can I please just wake up one day and not be rushed with bad news and problems? is that really to much to ask? I just want one day where things just work out and people leave me alone.

I wish i had never said anything in the first place. i made it 18 years feeling like crap, like i was unimportant, useless, etc. but i made it.

I have parents that constantly tell me i’m insensitive, that i need to share my feeling, that its not healthy to bottle things up.

but the minute i told them i wasnt happy, that i felt neglected, worthless, etc.

it became, oh your so dramatic, you dont know what your talking about, suicide? dont be stupid.

everytime i work up the courage to talk about it, they just prove me right… that what i have to say and how i […]

I’m 19. I normally bottle everything up and hide it but like i said, i just don’t know what to do anymore.

when i was about 5 or so my mom got in trouble with the government because her and my fathers medical machines were threatening drug companies. My dad agreed to serve her term teaching the air force because she had cancer… she died when i was seven and my dad didn’t even get to be there, neither did i. my grandma pulled the plug and wouldn’t let me say goodbye. Later my grandma sued my dad for custody of me, but when the judge ruled against her she quickly […]