I’m just done. I really don’t know how to cope with anything anymore. My mom has been in a bad mood for the past week, because she is very stressed about christmas shopping. And of course whenever she’s angry, who does she take her anger out on? Her family. So her and my older brother were fighting about were the clicker was, and my mom got really angry. She was calling him a bastard, lazy ass etc. And my brother just said “Can you stop being a dick to me”, which he should never had said. She starts saying how terrible we all are then she attacks me and says how I’m such a *****. I was very angry, so i just said “I’m sick of this shit”. Then she starts bawling. And whenever she cries everyone comforts her and hugs her. When I cry I get called a drama queen and a ***** and everyone looks down on me. She is bawling about how she is so stressed and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. But that’s how i feel when she taunts me and calls me names. Now she said she is bringing back all my christmas presents and that I’m nothing but a loudmouth *****. So now my phone is gone forever so now I can’t talk to anybody about this. I knew this would happen, it happens every single holiday. I can’t fucking stand being treated like this anymore. And I know once my dad gets home he’s going to attack me as well. They don’t even care anymore. They have still neglected my medical needs for months now. I still need a physical, a gastroenterologist, an MRI, an MRA, and a therapist. They don’t have enough money for a physical but they have enough money to buy a shitload of alcohol. I just need someone to listen to me, because no one else will. And I hate it when people tell me to get help not attention. I don’t want attention I want somebody to help me, because my parents refuse to help me, I don’t have a phone to talk to anyone, and my parents refuse to get me a therapist. They tell me I’m just wasting their money. I’m all alone. I have nobody. I’m still being bullied. I really do feel like dying, and the worst part is, nobody cares.
I can’t deal with being fucking bullied anymore. I’m still being called an idiot, a *****, a sociopath, and an attention seeker in person and online. I’ve gotten more threats, such as being pushed down stairs AGAIN and getting the shit kicked out of me. Meanwhile I don’t talk or interact with these people whatsoever. Seriously I cannot get away from this bullshit no matter what I do. The worst part is I can’t do shit about it because nobody fucking cares anymore. This is why I should just keep all of my emotions bottled up because whenever I share them I end up being criticized and belittled. But according to others I only “act” like this for attention and to make me feel “special”. What the fuck? I would NEVER in a million years, DELIBERATELY be this way. Why on EARTH would I want YOUR attention when I want you to leave me the fuck alone! And me being “special”? Me having a mental disability doesn’t mean I’m special, it means I HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY. I already know I’m a shit person, I don’t need more people to tell me that.
What I thought was going to be a great Thanksgiving turned into a nightmare. My mom once again had one of her huge outbursts and just had to make everyone upset. It started out as a fight between her and my dad, they were screaming and my mom threatened divorce, and then she was fighting with my grandma. She was getting into her face calling her names and screaming. I would not allow her to treat my grandmother like that. I had to tell her to stop. Then she was following me around the house screaming for me to give her my phone. She kept pushing her body into mine to try and keep me from moving, so i ran up the stairs towards my room and she followed me. Then she grabbed me and pushed me in my room. I just kept yelling leave me alone. And she said ”If you say leave me alone one more time I’m gonna knock you out.” So I kept running away and she kept following me. Eventually my dad came to me and asked for my phone without screaming, so I gave it to him. But my mom continued to follow me and taunt me calling me a *****. Then she was making up stories that I when she came in my room i said ”Get out of my room” meanwhile she FOLLOWED me in there and PUSHED me inside. I told her that was a huge lie. Then she said ”No that’s why you have no friends because you’re a liar.” because I had a fight with my old friends a few weeks back. So I went back downstairs and she was still following me. She bashed her body into mine and I hit into the wall. Then my older brother got involved and told her how disgusted he was with her behavior. My mom came and tried to hurt me again and my brother stood in front of her. Then she was mad at him also and was still taunting me. This whole time my little brother was screaming at her to stop, so she was yelling at him too. So both my brothers and myself went into our living room, and cried. I had not seen my older brother cry since we went to a funeral years ago. Then my mom came back and started talking to my older brother. He kept saying it’s not fair, because it’s not. He just came back from college the day before, and he kept saying that he was so happy to come home and now he didn’t even want to be around her. Because when my brother came home a few weeks back, my mom had an outburst. So she said in an angry tone ”Sorry.” And now she’s pretending like nothing happened. I am so mad at her I don’t even want to see her. She continually said “Oh everyone has bad days, mom’s are allowed to have them too.” And she told me that I should be thankful that she doesn’t hit me. I can’t deal with all of this anymore. Whether I am at home or at school, I am taunted, bullied, and I feel absolutely worthless. Right now I don’t feel the reason for working, or talking, or trying, I’m just done.
*WARNING LONGEST STORY + RANT EVER ABOUT FIGHT WITH FAKE FRIENDS*
So once again I am taken advantage of and treated like shit for it. I try to be a good person and this is what I get. So I was friends with four girls, their initials are S,M,ME, and E, because i don’t want to use their real names. I was friends with them for almost a year and I noticed that even at lunch, M stopped talking to me. And a few days later, E told me M said “I need to talk to you about Tara, I am so done with her she needs to go.” So I texted her exactly “Are you mad at me?” and M just said “What?”. So i just continued “If there’s a problem we need to talk about it.” Then she says “There’s nothing to talk about?” and I told her “Yes there is, you can’t just ignore a problem like this you need to talk to me.” Then she calls me and is screaming how I’m such a worthless ***** and she hopes I kill myself. She told me none of my friends actually liked me to begin with and to never sit with them. Apparently, she said she hates me because I’m a liar, yet she doesn’t even say what I lied about. So then ME texted me what happened and I told her what M had said and I was feeling very alone. But then ME stopped answering me and then S started texting me I told her I didn’t want to talk right now. And she was mad that I didn’t tell her right away but I didn’t want more people to get involved. So then she writes me a book about how I am the worst person she knows, how I never helped her with anything, and that their “group” accepted me with open arms and I took it for granted. First, she NEVER helped me either. Second, when she had a problem at home she told everyone BUT ME and LIED to me about it and then she gets mad at me for not helping her. Third, their so called “group” did not accept me with “open arms”. I sat there for three weeks and they all ignored me and didn’t even acknowledge i was there. So i called her and she just asked “are you sorry?” and I said yes i am sorry. Then she continues “for what?” and I said “i actually don’t know you’re all mad at me and you don’t even say why.” Then she said “for lying” and I just continued because I wanted this over with. “okay I’m sorry for lying” and she is STILL going on “about?” and then i was silent so she continues saying how I’m pathetic and that I have no friends etc. So I hung up and just went to bed. the next day I was sitting at lunch alone when two of my friends, L and LA came to talk to me. They told me that my ex-friends said not to trust me and that i’m nothing but a stupid *****. I was so frustrated. Then M and S started posting things about me on Instagram. and the next day two people I know came to me and told me that M said she was going to get somebody to push me down the two flights of stairs. I was just so annoyed, because I did not talk to them, i didn’t post anything on social media, and I didn’t make any threats. So a week goes by and they are still talking about me, and i sit next to S in homeroom. So we were getting out the door and S knocks right into my left side and almost knocked over the podium. So all I said was “excuse you”. And she just goes on saying ”Are you serious?” and I said yes. Then she starts yelling ”It’s not all about you” Then i said to her, ”Then why are you posting shit on Instagram about me?” And she said ”They aren’t about you!” Then I said ”Oh sure, then what are they about?” And she said with a question ”Myself?” And I just looked at her. She just yelled fuck you. And I told her she was full of shit. So then they were even more angry. So M and S went to MY guidance counselor together JUST to talk about me, and ever since then, my counselor has not spoken to me. And during lunch S and M called L over like she was a dog, talked to her, and left. They told L to tell me that I need to stop harassing them, meanwhile i didn’t knock into anyone or threaten anyone. At this point, S and M absolutely hated me, S and M also hated E, and ME just ignored me. So at lunch, S used her finger to tell E to come sit with them, and after that day, E blocked me on instagram, and never spoke to me again. So two days later, I got called to the dean’s office. They wanted to talk to me. So I told them what had happened, and we focused most on the whole pushing down the stairs situation. And they told me they would take care of it, 2 weeks later, nothing has changed. I still have to deal with this everyday. Now they are mean to my other friends as well. At this point they seem like psychos, like they NEED to stop me from having any friends. I’ve been trying to ignore this for over a month and it keeps getting worse. And I’m sorry this is SO LONG. I appreciate if you read this, this was mainly to just get it off my back. Because things like music, drawing, and writing makes me feel better. If anybody has any ideas as to what I should do, please share.
You know when somebody says “You shouldn’t be around people who make you unhappy.” There’s only one person that makes me unhappy, and that’s my mom. The worst part is I am forced to be around her. She is emotionally abusive and she claims that she has never said anything bad to me. She says I’m a *****, a drama queen, that I’m crazy, and she hopes I run away. She is the reason i cry so much. I’ve suffered from depression since I was 8, and my mom has always belittled me about it. My older brother at the age of 7 had a ruptured AVM in his brain. He had to have brain surgery and he almost died, it was one of the worst moments of my life. So whenever there is a problem with my mental health she compares it to what happened to my brother. She asked me one time “Why do you get so angry and upset?” And i told her it was because i have anger issues. Then it turns into “Who diagnosed YOU with anger issues?”. And that is nothing compared to some of the other things she has said to me. I’ve attempted suicide twice, and it wasn’t until the second time, when i was 14, she found out. The first time I was ten and i tried wrapping my dogs leash around my neck and tying it on the pole in my closet. So one day we got into a fight and I was crying in my closet, so my mom sent my little brother in to watch me, and these were her exact words: “Jack, you stay in here with Tara so she can’t say (in a high pitched voice) ‘Oh I tried to hang myself with Muffin’s leash!”.” I couldn’t believe she said that, I was shocked. I went to a partial care program called High Focus Center for my second attempt, and we had group therapy and everyone gets a chance to process. I told the therapist and the other teens some of the things my mom has said and done to me, and they were shocked. They told me I should’ve called dyfs, and my therapist told my mom they had said that. She was so mad at me. She then told my therapist that I was making up stories and that this was all in my head. I felt like i was nothing. I hate how she is always in denial. She denies i have mental issues, she even denies she has a drinking problem. She also denies how she is abusive to my dad, she’s thrown things at him, screamed at him that he’s a fat fuck and that she wishes they could get a divorce. Whenever my parents get in a fight, I always make sure I have an eye on them because I’m scared somebody will get hurt. She treats both of my brothers better than me, and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve attempted to talk to her but it turns into the whole “I’m the parent not you!” “I tell you what to do you don’t tell me!” And yes, I’m not the perfect daughter, I’m not nice all the time. But my mom overreacts and taunts me for days, telling me I’m a ***** and that she wishes she could move out and leave me and my dad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried family meetings with a therapist as well, but I refuse to go to one again after she screamed at me in front of my therapist calling me a liar. At this point I don’t even want her to be a better mom, I just want her away from me. What should I do?