dear sp, i just wanted to come and give an update on my current situation. things have been really sucky and i cannot seem to get ahead. the days are not bad cause i have places i can go, and things i can do. i am able to get on sp from our workforce computer but not at the librarey. they block it for some reason. its been two weeks now sleeping in the car in a walmart parking lot, and it is taking a serious toll on me. tanked really bad yesterday, and was not any better this morning. had decided to return the […]
i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and […]
wow, folks, just had good news.landlord giving me til the 31st. yeah. a little more time to straighten things out. not much, but more than i had. i dont feel so bad squatting here now. i have permission. that and he feels bad about tossing me out in the snow. ( if he only knew, eh, tm,lol) one more small worry eased. so the magic and miracles continue.HOHOHO,HAHAHA and a couple of falala’s. keep trying my friends, the shit eventually breaks open, it hard, dark and tough, but with each others help we will get through this. i love all of you, and want your […]
thank you my friends at sp, for a most wonderful day. this is the best i have felt in a month, and i attribute it to you. you give me hope (damnit, whispers, lol). all of you have shown me many things, but most importantley, you have shown me i can love. again. for those of you who dont know my story, thats a big thing. it finalley started snowing here (lol, i know tm) i walked to the store for a coke and smokes,giggling and laughing. why? all i could think about was three moons. come my friend lets dance in the snow,make a […]
dear sp, MERRY WHATEVERYOUCELEBRATE to you. may this day provide the magic and peace that we deserve. how grateful i am to all of you for the help you provided. even the angry, in-your-face ones. sorry for laughing but that was ME not too long ago. i plan to stay with sp, however things turn out for me. you have become a really close friend, and i look forward to the time i spend here. truly an interesting cast of characters from around the world. i, too am alone on this day of celebration. and perfectly content with that. pull up an extra chair. i […]
the ex finally left again. that is a good thing, but that old feeling of loss and lonliness always return when she leaves. she was not the reason i tried to kill myself. i tried to kill myself because i do not know how to live in this world. i dont understand it. it dont understand me.evrything that was familiar and comfortable is gone. now, evrything is new and frightning. why is doing the right thing so hard?does the emptiness of loss ever go away? does the pain ever stop? each day i become more withdrawn and reclusive from society. hiding and hoping no one […]
hey folks, wow, what a crazy, emotional day.sun has gone down,the ex has left, and the anxiety has eased somewhat. we were able to get the big stuff out, and now can cocentrate on the little stuff. the important stuff is safe. how sweet the quiet. how sad the heart.it was good. my son and his girlfriend came and helped. the ex did not bother to tell me that they were coming. totally lost it when i saw him. he was great and really enjoyed having them here. embarrased of course.no self confidence or esteem. basically feeling pretty low. but also relieved. some of the […]
the time has arrived. moving stuff out. trying to push through the pain,the anxiety, the fear. she is so strong. so angry with me.deservedly so. she does not recognize how hard i tried. blind to my pain and loss. at least she has somewhere to go, and something to be. she will be safe and able to move foreward from the pathetic excuse of a husband she was with for so long. why is it wrong for me to want to die? what is so important about my existence? i think the normal people need us around to justify their happiness. ” if you dont […]
sorry folks, tried again.having run out of time, with nowhere to go, and no way to exist, the desperation got the better of me.i remember blacking out. came to on floor, looking at the ex-wife. so beautiful. thought she was an angel. then it all came back. just another failure.i really do need to find a peacful way out. i cant take this anymore. their has got to be some peaceful way out?
breathe,i must remember to breathe. in, out, in, out…,paralyzing fear. like the first time i was shot at. my brain is numb, and has a difficult time making decisions. must do. anything. so scared. so damn emotional. making me crazier. cant stop crying. no more tears and i cant stop crying. seeking help, but what can be done? it dont go away. the only ones who understand are in the same boat with me and sinking fast. so disconnected from evrything. i want to die. yet, i want to live. i want to experience joy, happines and all the good emotions that i have denied […]
i write this to you as the only means of getting in touch with you. i would like you to know that i saw your posts, and that your words, caring and concern for a depressed, lonley, old man, touched me deeply. yes, it was my plan, and i was determined to carry it out. as is usually the case, the universe stepped in with a bunch of annoying distractions that prevented the follow through. i did end up in the cold for about two hours. i went to our towns christmas parade with my ex-wife. it was difficult because of my social anxiety,but pushed […]
it is quiet. it is still.a moment of peace. i relish these moments as i wait for the world to awaken.alone, with my thoughts, and the treasures of yesterdays broken dreams. the fear has not overwhelmed me yet, and the pressures and demands of dailey existance have not started.how i wish the sun would stop its dayley climb ans allow me to enjoy this for more than a fleeting moment. oh well. a moment of beauty and peace in this dark place is better than none at all. ill take what i can get
dear sp, just a warning. their is a troll on the loose. this one is really nasty. she was using the tag HAYTRED, but is now using GOD. do not bite her hooks. do not read her words, do not take her advice. she has nothing to offer. like all of us, i desire to find that peace, that one thing that will let us enjoy living. myth, maybe. her desire is death, destruction and misery. dont know about all of you, but ive had more than enough of that shit. so avoid her. good luck, peace to ya and keep trying.
dear sp, i want to thank you, all of you, for saving my life. this episode has been a rough one, with closer calls than i care to think of. yea, life is still shit, and still not sure what all to do to fix it. however, i found a group of like minded people, with the same problems. how refreshing. all of your words touch the fabric of my being. i carry your pain and anguish as my own, as they are the same as mine. what amazing people i have found here. such talent. such wit.(kumbuyya moment folks, woo hoo) will we survive? […]
a man died and went to hell. after wandering around for a while, he ran across the devil. the man said ” ya know, devil, ive been here for awhile, and its really boring. do you have anything to do down here?” the devil looked at the man and said “why, of course we do. do you like to drink?” the man said “yes, yes i do like to drink”. the devil replied ” on mondays, we drink as much as we want,from dawn to dark, whatever flavor you want,beer, wine, whiskey.” the devil continued,” do you like to do drugs?” the man said ” […]
why is death the only answer? what happen if i succeed only to find that it hurts on the other side? where does this anguish come from and why cant i beat it? why cant i be a normal person? why do so many of us suffer from this? why cant life be simple and easy? why do people prevent me from having work, a place to live and food to eat? why cant i abide by the rules? so many questions, too few answers
it was a set up. i knew it was a set up and went anyway. i was hungry. people do wierd things when they are hungry. i only went for the food. food wasnt good, and the price was worse. i do not need or want their relegion. and i am a way better cook. how dare they tell me that what i think and feel is wrong. what i believe is a lie,their is only one way. what bullshit. i was hungry. only wanted to eat. no one to blame but me.i knew better. should have stuck with macdonalds
morning folks, here we go again. the overwhelming urge to end it has passed, finally. and im back to sort of functioning again.still have all the problems though. no job, facing eviction, no food. why kill myself quickly and comfortably when all i have to do is wait and slowly die of malnutrition and hypothermia? oh well, guess meathod dont matter if the results are the same. i have learned some things this past week that i didnt know before. #1- this website- wow, wish i had found this long ago. reading the posts is like reading my story. #2-feelings- surprise, surprise. who knew. i […]
well, folks, made it one more day.went to appointments with whitecoats. they actually let me leave. i was pretty amazed. dont know what kind, if any, help they will be,but hey, a little effort is better than none right? i dont trust these people,and old bad memories are evrywhere. i would prefer a more holistic approach, as that path has proved the most successful FOR ME, the physical effects of this past crisis still abound. weak, tired, feel like i have been hit in chest with sledgehammer,cant breathe, thoughts slow and sluggish, but that nagging desire to end it has finally subsided. once again. for […]
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