Thanatos.Nykthos

Do you know what it is like to fail yourself?

To plan, to perfect an exit, to weep and mourn your own loss, what little of the day left you would miss after completing, and the. to fail?

Do you know what it is like to feel that shatter-flutter of adrenaline and every chemical at once- Over and over and over again as you fail? AGAIN, and again-

And then, you fix things, you try to make it work- (why won’t it work? this doesn’t make any sense!)

and you yet again fail your one life’s desire?

and you try so many different things, so many different times, you SHOULD […]

Nov. 3- Lose a close friend, they become what I cannot. flaunt it blindly in my face, I rejoice for them, but they kill me inside and they cannot know.

Masculine culture is so toxic.
And I know there is just a lot of toxic culture these days, but seriously, it goes all the way to promoting unhealthy sex standards.
Afraid of becoming anything for fear of being hunted down like an animal- what kind of validation is this?
Men are crushed for the sake of becoming nothing? What idea has gone so far to create such a hellish jungle?
Never get out of […]

Jan 3rd. Wake up feeling worse than hungover, heavy, painful, unable to think as always. I wish anything made it better. Fail, eat, fail to feed myself effectively, hate. hate hate is too light a word.

I hate myself
I am so worthless. I am so sloth i am nothing without any company. I fail. I try. I fail. I complete nothing.
My life is one big bad dream. It’s full of wonder, but so too is it dripping with crushing despair.
Every opportunity I have to love myself is stolen like some cruel joke and I fuck everything up every time.
Only luck. Celebrate luck. […]

I can see who I need to grow closer to. Who uplifts me and gives me the most life. Who drives me to my best self. Who i forget myself in the company of.

I just feel terrible seeing as well those people who I must move past in order to pursue a deepening of those relationships. Those who still deserve love and my caring. I see that they will not be best for me, despite how they may need me.

My mind wanders to the question- Is that why I feel unrequited in such of the good company […]

After so many years, It never did stop. It never got ‘better’ and it never left in any manner. I ignored it. But That desire for Death, whatever it is, remains. It has been for far longer than even then, so many years ago.
But then such begs the question- What the fuck is crushing me like this? What the hell could this be? How is this happening? Can I do nothing except to hope for death? By measure of this world’s values, Such seems be the only answer. Hope. And do not touch. Love, and do not speak. Do not embrace. Do not […]