gods joke

Do what you want. Do what makes you happy.

Take these meds.

But these meds dont make me happy…

Logically I know but…

Is it really about what you want or what’s right?

It’s right to not cut. It’s right to not drink yourself into a stupor. It’s right to eat 3 meals a day. It’s right to not get high.

How can it be about what I want, about what makes me happy, when I have rules and guidelines to follow in life?

Dont get me wrong, I dont disagree with them. Its just following them, for me anyway, has taken away what I feel is myself. Not because I want […]

NO IM NOT FINE!!! im pissed, hurt, sad, broken, crushed………..

I don’t want to take my meds anymore. I hope the insanity kills me

She says she wants to end it all when she’s all alone in her room
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It’s not that hard to feel so small

Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
Maybe I’m better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough to shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I’m better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a […]

I overthink things horribly.

Take tomorrow, 9/11. I thought its going to be everywhere! Im better off avoiding social media tomorrow. Instant defense mode. well thats offensive!! im sure we can all hear someone saying, possibly you yourself is thinking that. But no, no its not. Let me explain. Those that forget the mistakes of the past are bound to repeat it. And i agree. But theres personal mistakes and then bigger mistakes like ww2, 9/11 (these are just examples ive heard in life. Seems more like a scare tactic in these cases to me) how can a person possibly remember all of that. But we cant […]

I shouldnt even be typing this with the fear that hes watching me…. I hope thats just paranoia….

I plan on having 1 more therapy appointment. As much as i hate to, im pushing forward with life and i really dont know why. Thing is, my friend is suppose to meet me there.

The problem?

Where the fuck do i begin.

I guess a good place to start is the first sentence. I dont want to know what my husbands going to say, it honestly scares me…..but thats why i have to do this, right? Because i shouldnt be living like this? I cant let him find out. I […]

It’s been weeks(?). I think about future possibilities and………

Honestly?

I just want to be laid to rest. I just want this all to stop. I just want to take my last breath.

Maybe i should go for a walk…..

Have some alone time with my rope….

Its not as easy as getting a hobby. Its not as easy as thinking about your loved ones. Its not as easy as just thinking positive. Its not always a matter of looking to god for help.

Sometimes, it seriously takes more work then its worth. And even then, it might still not be enough.

If it ever came to it and you decided that for yourself youre better off without me, id completely understand. Id endorse it. Do whats right for you.

But internally id die and externally i wouldnt make it. I need you in my life. I cant live without you. But id die for you. In this case, literally.

i just want to die rn

i want to bash my head off something until it bleeds

i want to cut as the blood drains from me

if i had the diy med from MAID i would be taking it rn. my husband would wake up and find me dead on the floor. my friends would message looking for me, but i wont respond. my bff will get home from work, but my messages wont be there to greet him. nothing more than a “goodbye im sorry i had to”

JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY!!!!!

love means nothing when you cant feel it and the pain is too great…….

I don’t want to keep doing it. Please let me stop…..
(the mountain – 3DG)

Youre never on the same page. One cant have an intelligent conversation when the other person cant even stay on track.

“Yeah but my point…..” Has absolutly NOTHING to do with what i said. Ill reexplain it several times and youll continue to insist. FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! Why cant you do that?

(I don’t want to make another post)
I have so much bothering me right now but no one to talk to. they’re all busy or something. If I asked my therapist she’d say call the MMH, but I’ll pass. Even if I had someone to talk to I shouldn’t talk to them. My problems […]

I believe that all is forgiven after death. That they do what they do for a reason. I feel they shouldnt be condemned for that.

I feel i need to process this into healing.

I cant believe im saying this but it makes sense. I need to work on my personal religious beliefs. I need to put more faith in “god”.

“Would you like fries with that”

Youre a fucking asshole that deserves to burn

I want to be dead right now. I should be dead right now.

I was going to jump….. Someone came along.

I was going to hang myself…… But each time got interrupted and had to undo the knot.

This was another one of those mornings. I should be dead right now. I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to keep doing this.

It feels like everyone is behind me pushing while my feet are dug in and I’m just trying to make it stop.

i understand its “what best” but why must i? its what you want not what i want. its my life. its my body. why do you get to decide what i do with it?

I’m looking for a way to spend my time that doesn’t involve others. Something online. I have offline options but I need something to do while I’m just sitting here.

This is a couple of the very few things that I do.

https://www.sadanduseless.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcjhYlL1WRBjKaJsMH_h7Lg

What do you guys do that doesn’t involve others?

hate is typically a word of anger. but this time…….i hate myself so much that im crying…….

Ive been on this medication for a little bit now. (I should see if i can find out how long and update this). I think somewheres between half a year and a year? Or maybe im just coming up on half a year? Has it really been that long?

Well to start with i should probably tell you how living without my medication is. Its torturous, plain and simple. Absolute fucking hell.

On my medication? I love it! Its so much easier to handle things and i have episodes a lot less.

But like all good things theres a catch…

I dont feel any better. I just feel like […]