I’m alive again, so damned alive I’m crying. It’s so funny how I laughed when I felt my worst, and now I’m crying. When she’s talking to me again. She doesn’t hate me. She’s okay with talking to me. I can fix everything I ever did. I’m not alone anymore. This is incoherent, and maybe it should be. I’m high on life and happiness right now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank God for Sammi, without her I never could have done this. Thank You, Hazy. Thank You, Rocketman. Thank You, Trix. Thank You, SeeSmith. Thank you all for being […]
This isn’t about self pity, and this isn’t about what brings me down each day. Because if I could tell you what was wrong with me, I wouldn’t be on this site. I’m just naming some things I’ve done wrong that I seem to keep doing.
I’m too brutal. Little bit of a joke for you metal fans out there, but what I mean is that sometimes I’m a little too upfront and frank about how I feel. An example of this is when I liked this certain girl, and she’s really shy, too dumb to notice that though. So I went about my normal, honest, […]
She stands alone in a world that is not always fair. Her soft, blue eyes look out at the world with an innocence akin to that of a child. She is not a child, however, she just isn’t as jaded as myself. “Why can’t you accept me for me? I’m not her, and I never will be. Don’t you see that I’m trying my best to make you proud, and maybe I could succeed if only you would let me.” The constant comparisons, loss of individuality, having to live up to an impossible title. Maybe that is where the compassion comes from. From the place […]
Her eyes shine bright in the unnatural light of this night. A smile from her lights my skin alight. We fight and fight, but it ends up alright. Two souls, drifting through life like a kite in the wind. One smile, and I’d trade my sight for the might those blue eyes provide. Am I right to ride, this miracle of life? After I lied and lied while the old me died. I thought I could confide, but with every revelation there was naught but hesitation in her eyes. Those eyes, those lips, they provide what I nee to survive. A purpose behind this useless […]
Scream into the night
Scream for the right
Scream for those who cannot
Scream for those who fought
Scream for those without sight
Scream, for there is no light
Scream for those who hurt
Scream for those beneath the dirt
Scream for those who lied
Scream for those who cried
Scream for those whose tears run red
Scream for those that wish they were dead
Scream for the terror
Scream for the horror
Scream for the might
Scream, for you have lost the fight
Gorgeous, that’s all he knows her as. He knows she has a real name, and that there’s a real face behind that picture, but he likes to imagine that same face laughing, smiling, blushing. He feels something in his chest when he speaks to her, but he feels for the other as well. They are friends, him and her, and their playful banter often lasts hours. She calls him cruel for the compliments he gives, and he calls her Gorgeous. The makeup runs down her cheek in the picture, but when he pictures her, he sees those piercing blue eyes looking at him, or some […]
WARNING: LISTENING TO THIS MUSIC MAY CAUSE YOU TO BECOME A BADASS AND AN AWESOME PERSON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
This song is all the explanation I need. Hazy knows what I mean, thank you everybody who takes the time to listen and/or comment. Thank all of you for being there when I needed you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm_6bj4ja74&index=2&list=LLMlfnqajyt-NFN3RIRvFrBA
WARNING: THIS INVOLVES SCREAMO, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.
This song made me cry the other night, of course I have no right to cry. I have no right to be forgiven after what I did, but that ‘s besides the point. This is for all of you who do deserve a shot, and a second chance.
Please, somebody that’s more logical than me, somebody that can help. Tell me not to, tell me not to beg my cousin to give me her number so I can text her. It wouldn’t even be that long of a text, and I wouldn’t send more than one. Please, tell me not to. I want her to be happy, I can’t let me ruin that for her. I’m better than that.
God, she’s so beautiful though. She’s absolutely intoxicating. When I look at her, I find it damn near impossible to imagine I’ve kissed those lips. The one thing I can be sure of though is […]
It’s over.
I won’t deny it
I’m so sorry
I hurt you
I did so many things
Not all of them good
You have every right
You should
I never said sorry
I’m so afraid
I’m so sorry
I can’t leave
I wish you happiness
Everything I couldn’t give
All I ever tried
Every little part of me
They all died
I wish could understand
I wish I could be yours
And You could be mine
You’re beautiful
I’m ugly
On the inside
You are free
Please don’t cry
Please don’t say goodbye
But most of all
Don’t you lie
And say you want
To see me tomorrow
I made it in! Fuck yeah! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s this http://suicideproject.org/2015/10/unrelated-to-the-normal/ . HOBY motherfucking leadership camp, I’m on my way. Yes!
I’m Sorry
I just want to start this off, by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you in the past, and for all the terrible things I’ve done to you. I can understand if you hate me. It’d be a lie for me to say that I’d be okay with that, or able to accept it, but when I say I’d understand I mean it. I’m sorry for having feelings for you this summer, and complicating things between you and C, I’m sorry for kissing you, I’m sorry for being overly dependent on you, I’m sorry for trying to kiss you […]
Let me explain, lately I’ve been having an issue with my compulsive disorder coming back, along with my depression. Thing, is I’m confused as all hell because there’s been no major event to bring about such a radical change in my mental state. I mean, I’ve studied this disorder for a few years now and I’ve gotten a basic understanding on what “kind” I have. Mine was inherited but a major event that happened a few years ago caused a downward spiral to serious depression. Same with my compulsive disorder. I’ve studied well enough to know that another cause besides inheriting a predisposition towards depressive […]
There are so many misconceptions about what it feels like to be compulsive. The most common being that people who are compulsive are obsessively cleanly and a perfectionist, that’s not always the case. Like with me, I’m compulsive in a way where when I remember something unpleasant, or I’m just triggered I have an “episode.” Let me explain what these episodes are, they’re when I remember something and I go through… I don’t have words to describe it. Imagine the worst you’ve ever felt in your entire life, then compress that into maybe one or two seconds. That’s what happens when I have my episodes, […]
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/07-Six.m4a
I know that a lot of you probably don’t like screamo, or just can’t understand it, but I was playing some songs I haven’t listened to in a while, and this hit just a little bit too close to home. It reminds me of my ex, and weirdly enough, the girl I’m chasing right now. It isn’t healthy to feel this way, but sometimes it feels so good to just hurt. Anything is better than the numbness I feel each day, which steals all the happiness away, along with my pain. Thanks to anybody who takes the time to read. I know that people […]
Goodnight sweetie.
Are there any monsters?
Nope.
In the closet?
All clear.
Under my bed?
Empty.
In my head?
Of course.
They want me dead.
I know.
Am I bad?
Of course not.
Then why am I sad?
Because.
Because what?
I don’t have an answer hon.
Well I’m all done.
Done with what?
The battle is over, the monsters won.
What do you mean?
They’ve already killed who I was.
You like Iris by the GooGooDolls, A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope, who like because he’s just so genuine, you like You’re Beautiful by James Blunt because it’s just a classic, and for anybody to not have heard it is a tragedy. You love to sail, but don’t think it’s a sport, same thing with golf except you don’t play golf. You quite pop a while ack, but when you did drink it you liked Mountain Dew the best. You sand that Italian song for choir last year because when it’s translated it means so much to you. You used to watch Supernatural […]
I’m signing up for this leadership thing for school. I know, I know, doesn’t sound like the average fucked-up, depressed, anxious, and compulsive person, but maybe it’s a step in the right direction? Thing is, I’m competing with a ton of other people in my school for this, so we’re writing an essay to see who wins the sponsorship from a local charity. It’s a camp, and I’m just guessing it’s way outside the money my dad and I have, so this is my only chance. What I mean to do is ask if anybody can help me with maybe the direction I want to […]