There are so many misconceptions about what it feels like to be compulsive. The most common being that people who are compulsive are obsessively cleanly and a perfectionist, that’s not always the case. Like with me, I’m compulsive in a way where when I remember something unpleasant, or I’m just triggered I have an “episode.” Let me explain what these episodes are, they’re when I remember something and I go through… I don’t have words to describe it. Imagine the worst you’ve ever felt in your entire life, then compress that into maybe one or two seconds. That’s what happens when I have my episodes, the reason I call them that is because there’s more than just mental reaction to them, there’s also a physical. Often this represents itself as me repeating a word that goes along with whatever i was thing, or it can be my entire body clenching up for a second. Either way, it isn’t fun, and they happen a lot since my medication stopped working.
Now the Other Things I want to address in this post are clarification as to what the hell’s going on in my life right now, for those of you who are interested. Lately I started liking this new girl at my school, lets call her J. So I asked my cousin for her number, and I got it. We talked for a while, and I told her I liked her, she’s shy as all hell so after that things became more awkward than they already were. After a while of this I gave up and deleted her number, I’m not too torn up about this, but I feel it’s at least noteworthy. When this whole thing was done I wanted a relationship with somebody, but there was nobody that I was particularly attracted to, that was the worst. Just how frustrated I got with wanting something, but not even knowing what that something is. Then, about a week ago I showed my friend these stories I’d written about her, Another Short Story, and And Another One, which are both posted if you’d like to see them. She told me how they affected her, and while I was reading through them again, even adding little bits and pieces here and there I realized I never truly lost the feelings I had for her (Ha Ha, lost, Ha). So I start trying to talk to her and everything again, get the old machine moving again, and she’s busy as all hell these days so she couldn’t really reply. Me being me, I fuck up to the extremes. I sent her a short text each day and got no reply until this last Thursday, then I got sick of no replies or anything so I just go off. Still no reply. The next day I text her like crazy, like I went fucking insane texted her so much her phone crashed. She obviously got pissed at me, and I gave my reasons and felt like a shitty human being. Me, being the guy who tries to make up for things after he fucks up instead of just not fucking up sends her a text telling her that I’m deleting her number and the only way I could contact her is if she texted me. I followed through. So here I’ve been sitting next to the phone, nearly having heart attack when it vibrated a total of three times this weekend. Now I’m back in limbo, and I seriously hate my fucking life. Darker than I’ve been in almost a year.
6 comments
Anybody else having problems seeing the newest posts? Sorry if I’m self advertising or some shit by commenting on my own post. Whatever. Seriously though, something’s wrong with the site, when I go to the home page I can’t see the new posts
Ouch, lost. safe to say you went a bit overboard with her, i get it though, it’s kind of hard to put the phone down sometimes when you’re waiting for a reply, but man… I’m sorry. I don’t have any advice for you. I think you’re doing the right thing by waiting it out, but i’m a bit clueless here..
I completely get what you mean about the compulsive disorder, i don’t fit into that neat or clean label either.
Yeah, I went way too far and crossed the line.
I wince whenever I have a bad memory. Paxil has helped me stop doing that.
Paying too much attention to someone too quickly often makes people uncomfortable. Try to lay off the dramatic gestures, too. You have to learn the pace at which other people can process your enthusiasm. Trial and error is the only way I ever learned it.
Being able to be super focused in a task (like writing a story) is a powerful ability. It will serve you well in life as long as you can control it and not let it control you.
You’re right, I just need to keep trying and learn how to better conduct myself
I totally understand the obsessive thoughts. I only wish mine were cleaning the house. The only thing that worked was large quantities of depakote.
As far a text bombing your friends, I’ve been there and done things that I can only shake my head at today. I acted like a lunatic more than once and even now have to double check myself if I think I am getting obsessive about someone. I even make myself limited to one three word text a day when I think I am getting obsessive. I’m sure you understand how hard it is to only type three words per day to someone you are totally obsessed with.
I’d like to say it gets better, but really it just gets different. As I grow and develop I come up with new and interesting coping strategies. I could have typed that post myself.