I used to be very active here in summer and autumn of 2017, when I was 14, terribly depressed, suicidal and self harmed every day. All I remember of that summer is light, which makes no sense looking back, considering I was awake all night every night and would go to sleep just as the sun would come up. I would write about wanting to die, but not wanting to hurt my friends, my family, about wishing I could just disappear. About feeling completely alone and unloveable.
All of my old posts from that time are still public. Reading back through them now is an […]
when i went to type the title of this post, the first word that came to mind was “unloveable”. because i’m young and edgy, or maybe because the smiths are playing in the background. who knows.
the generated link told me, that this would be the third post with that name. i guess that shows just how indifferent i am.
the little bit of rationality left in my brain knows that there still are people who care about me, who love me, if i might dare to say that. there’s my family. my best friend. but still, i can’t get rid of the thought that […]
i haven’t been on this site in a long while. i suppose this is just one of the many ways i could say i’m getting worse.
i’ve been thinking about the concept of bravery a lot lately, especially in mental health related way.
because if you’d ask many people, they’d tell you that you’re brave if you stay alive despite being suicidal, if you recover from your addiction and so on.
then why do i feel so weak for not being able to kill myself, living one day at the time for the dumbest reasons?
why do i feel lame for not self harming as much […]
for a long time, i just wanted to get better. i felt too much and wanted to feel less. or nothing at all. i thought that the best thing i can do is to get better, more social, clean.
now i feel nothing at all, because my brain is full of chemicals from the pills that are supposed to help me, i talk to friends a lot again, but i don’t feel okay, or better. it’s like watered version of the things i used to dream about. i still feel awful, alone, and painfully empty. I don’t cut myself that often too.
but now that […]
for a bit, i felt like i was getting different. not exactly better, just different. it felt like i might be able to feel and think rationally again. it was kind of like i might be getting some control, finally.
but now, instead of that, i notice that i am getting more and more into the mess i was in july, august maybe, into the mess i am, i guess.
i’m back into going on this site at two am, unable to sleep because my thoughts feel so heavy (even though the pill i took two hours ago should make me sleep like a […]
Depression and anxiety have been kicking in for quite some time, definitely for long enough to make me believe there’s nothing that could help me. I feel like every bit of happiness has been sucked out of my life and replaced with void and darkness.
I remember I used to feel alive, I used to have some hope, I used to laugh without any problems, because something was funny because I was just feeling good at the moment.
And now it’s all gone. I wake up from nightmares every night, I can’t think straight, I always feel so bad. I think about ending my life […]
I have this friend, who self harms and has suicidal thoughts. We don’t talk much anymore, but she still means a lot to me. I feel like it partially were our messed up minds that torned us apart and caused that now I’m afraid to send her a simple text.
She once said that I can’t help her and that I have to deal with the fact she will leave once. I remember crying for hours after she said that. It was like all my nightmares coming true.
And I want to help her so desperately, but I don’t know how.
I always want […]
My psychiatrist gave me new medication recently and these are the first antidepressants I took that seem to be working. I felt awful before I started taking these and now I don’t feel at all. I am very anxious person and I feel so much and now there’s nothing. Like my brain was not working properly. Or maybe this is how it feels when a brain is working properly. I have no idea what people without mental illness feel now.
And I would think that suicidal thoughts will stop or at least get weaker as I stop feeling like I felt, when all the pain […]
I hear my friends say that suicide is such a selfish thing to do.
I see all these stupid quotes saying things like “suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just transfers it to others”.
And I’m tired of that. Why is it seen like that? Why will the person who commits suicide will be labeled as the one who was selfish and hurt others rather than the one who was suffering and lost his hope?
I am tired of hearing that the thing I want to do is selfish. I want to ask for help but don’t want to be labeled as selfish, so I just keep my […]