Author

thepainter

It’s been 4 years.

by thepainter 2/28/2015

written by thepainter

Still struggling. All this time.

I managed to get my life together. I thought I would be happier with a job. With animals. With a boyfriend. It just goes to show you ignoring depression doesn’t work. Now I have more responsibilities.and still want the same. Death. I have been thinking about it more and more. A familiar face. My boyfriend’s apology. And I’m sucked in. UNleash these thoughts and then it is endless for hours and hours, just thinking and researching and wondering. I talk myself out of it at the end of the day. I lose hours and hours to it then. A sick fascination with […]

2/28/2015 1 comment

Back here. Again.

by thepainter 4/4/2012

written by thepainter

I posted here two years ago or more. I’m not really sure. I was thinking of ending my life that day and I know the general reasons why, but I don’t know what brought those thoughts so hard that day–just like today. Sitting in my chair, working, then suddenly, like a flash mob of pain and ache and emptiness. Fatelessness.

Everyone adores me for my personality now. I can’t believe how social I can be sometimes, and then nothing, nothing at all, but the desire for nothing, and peace, and a bed made of endless dreams. I know why people do heroin.

I’ve made a plan. I […]

4/4/2012 1 comment

my life is one big dark room.

by thepainter 7/30/2009

written by thepainter

all i can think about lately is ending my life. these thoughts went away for awhile. i used to have them all the time when i was little, probably about 7 or 8. i don’t know why i’ve never been able to have happiness. the clues are that my mom worked all the time and i never knew my dad. i didn’t have friends or family growing up. i was very much a loner. i was raped when i was in high school and again, a few years ago. it’s my own fault both times–drinking and being around people who don’t care about you at […]

7/30/2009 6 comments