I need some support. I am slightly happier and less kill-myselfy when I am not smoking cigarettes. (I am not giving up the ocassional joint because that would surely kill me.) I need to hear some external wisdom. When I buy cigarettes it is an indication that I am feeling weak and sad. I dont need cigarettes. They smell and I am ashamed of this weakness. Anyone have any valuable and relevant wisdom to keep me clean(ish)?
I just wanted to say I am not a religious person, but still, one way or another we all seek lower-case-g god. One of my ways is this… I can focus and say and ask for things within this forum that those with a traditional faith practice may say in prayer. And when I hear back from you in comments or emails, it makes you all the voice of god I seek. So, thank you, spirit guides. If any of you have a statue of yourselves you might like me to place above my front door, just send it along. 🙂
Every opportunity I had I wasted, every decision I made was the wrong one. Every time I ask myself how I wound up where I am, the answer is always the same: Step by step. It was my own choices that brought me here, and my next choices, whatever they are, will get me out of here. That’s the killer… what I do next is decisive. I either choose not to wait, and abandon hope, or choose to wait, and maintain it. Then I ask… why? Why suffer? Just so I can make money that goes out as quickly as it comes in? To pay for a house that I bought a decade ago and still is worth less than what I owe. I work to make others rich, so do I choose to keep doing that for the rest of my life? Why? Just so the people in my life don’t have a tragedy on their hands? Fuck that, tragedy strikes.
I cant seem to face the shame of my past. Stupid decisions and bad choices lock me up in the house. I have no job. I have no purpose and I dont care enough to change it. Ill lose my house soon. Thats when itll come down to it.
I just wanted to say I came closer the other day than ever before. I never attempted, only thought and spoke and wrote and read about dying every day for 30 years. But Thursday I made initial covert arrangements to obtain in a hurry what I would need. It has been a relief to know I can get it done when I want. It’s empowering.
Nobody gets it. I dont want help. I dont want to talk. I dont want drugs or therapy or company. I have tried all my life to want to live but I never have wanted it. I didnt ask for this life. I dont want to feel better or try again or look on the bright side or give it time. What i want is to turn it all off.