I really wish I could end my life tonight. But doing that would be overreacting and too dramatic lol!!!!!!!!!
Alone on Valentine’s Day again, as it has been my whole life. I wish I knew how to love myself, but it’s so hard. Most of the reason I feel suicidal is because I feel unloved. I know it’s just a feeling, an illusion. I have people all around me. But I can only focus on the ones who abandon and ignore me. It’s so much easier to feel pain than gratitude. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy.
I think I’ve reached my breaking point when it comes to forming relationships with people. My head feels so heavy, like thick black concrete forming a toxic sludge. No matter how much people tell me they care about me I can’t help but not feel that care. I can’t help but feel that they like someone else better, that I’ll alway be second best. I can’t help but think I will just die alone. I knew that if I were to just die today only my family would cry. And of course, I love my family. I am grateful for them. But there is something seriously wrong if they are they only ones recognizing your worth. I just want to disappear so I don’t have to plague anyone with my existence ever again.
I’m officially at the number zero of people I can talk about suicide with without making people triggered, uncomfortable, or being told I should seek help or call a hotline. I guess talking about it just makes it worse and just makes me want to do it even more! Because nobody wants to be friends with a sad *****, you might as well eliminate the sad ***** altogether and kill her off. In addition, I’m officially at the point of no longer making myself vulnerable to the point where I begin to contemplate these thoughts. Did I finally solve the puzzle as to why my life is always such a mess, why I can never maintain friendships? Will this end my thoughts altogether? I just have to force myself not to dump all of my bullshit on them. That’s all. No more feeling vulnerable and helpless. Oh, no. This is the new me. I’m either happy or numb. I’m closing my entire self off for good from everyone who is not my mother, my therapist, my journal, or my laptop.