I’m officially at the number zero of people I can talk about suicide with without making people triggered, uncomfortable, or being told I should seek help or call a hotline. I guess talking about it just makes it worse and just makes me want to do it even more! Because nobody wants to be friends with a sad *****, you might as well eliminate the sad ***** altogether and kill her off. In addition, I’m officially at the point of no longer making myself vulnerable to the point where I begin to contemplate these thoughts. Did I finally solve the puzzle as to why my life is always such a mess, why I can never maintain friendships? Will this end my thoughts altogether? I just have to force myself not to dump all of my bullshit on them. That’s all. No more feeling vulnerable and helpless. Oh, no. This is the new me. I’m either happy or numb. I’m closing my entire self off for good from everyone who is not my mother, my therapist, my journal, or my laptop.
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I don’t have any friends or family so I don’t talk about it to anyone. It’s easier being so alone because then when I feel the time has come I can slip away so easily. People who might know of me will probably just be like oh I was weird anyway or that I deserved it or that I was a terrible person. But I don’t mind whatever they will say, it doesn’t matter to me how they feel about (me committing suicide) because I know they don’t care at all. Even if someone tries to stop me it’s all half-hearted maybe cause they have nothing better to do, And mostly just insulting to myself. I don’t know. I currently just have problems because I feel the time has come but for some reason I can’t get along with the actual committing part.. I’ve stuck around well past when I thought it was time. Now I think maybe there is something I need to finish before I commit…?